Masked Happiness
by dragondreamingsprout
Summary: Sakura always wears a mask except in the dead of night, when she can give in, one more time... until a new friend and an old enemy bring trouble with them. Warnings: contains very mild language and self-harm, may trigger
1. Brief, Empty Happiness

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 1: Brief, Empty Happiness

_Drip, drip, drip…_

The carpet started turning crimson as it soaked up the blood that slowly but constantly fell the short distance from fingertip to floor, the soft dull thuds deafening in the silence.

_Drip, drip, drip…_

The fingertip twitched as another cut was made and another stream started to flow, sliding down the pale skin lazily.

_Drip, drop, drip, drop, drip, drop…_

The sound dazed her, scared her, relaxed her… made the guilt rise. Suddenly an extra loud snore broke the constant, muffled rhythm it had replaced, then silence. Everything was still as she tensed, wondering whether the next sound would be another comforting snore or… she heard movement and mentally whispered _'dammit'_, before shoving the razor under her pillow and rolling over in her bed, steadying her breathing as she pretended to sleep. A minute later her mother walked past her room on her nightly quest. Another minute passed before the flushing of the toilet broke the silence and her mother walked past her room again, having completed her mission and heading back to bed. Literally moments later her snoring had picked up where it had left off but by now Sakura had fallen asleep letting her hand fall over the side of the bed again unnoticed, to deep in her dreams to care.

_Drip, drip, drip…_

* * *

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEE…

Sakura moaned loudly before hitting her alarm clock several times and eventually realised she needed to get up for school anyway so she might as well take the extra two seconds to press the button and turn it off properly.

'Ugh, school' she muttered _'time for the happy face' _as she suddenly wore a smile. Although it looked incredibly forced, she knew it would get easier as the day went on, it always did.

She sat up and leaned over to check the time before pain shot up her arm. It wasn't particularly bad but it made her wince as she looked down to see the damage. She knew she had done worse before, but she had fallen asleep while it was still bleeding so it hurt more when she moved it as the dried blood cracked. She mentally hit herself in the head for being so careless before crawling out of bed and into the shower. The warm water washed the blood away as she checked her cuts. They weren't too deep and only hurt a bit… all in all it was shaping up to be not a bad morning.

* * *

'Morning Sakura, sleep well?' her mothers cheery voice rang out. _'Man I hate mornings…how can she be such a morning person???'_, instead she just said with a smile,

'Hey mum, yeah I'm good, did you sleep well?' as if she didn't know. Constant snoring all night meant that Sakura always knew when she'd slept well…she had.

'Yes thanks, had some dreams through the night… quite weird ones actually… work must be getting to me…'

As she continued to cheerily explain the ins and outs of her dreams, Sakura got herself some breakfast and ate, the whole time half listening to her mum taking about her subconsciousness' storytelling abilities, and half thinking of school… she didn't mind school, it was just kind of…

Annoying. Boring. Brain numbing. Ass numbing. Maybe just numbing.

Eventually the conversation wound down and her mum left for work as Sakura grabbed her bag and left for school.

* * *

The walk through Konoha was quite peaceful even with all of the people crowding the streets. The sun was shining which definitely made a huge difference to Sakura. She didn't like it when it was too hot or anything and she loved rain but there was just something about her that brightened when the sun was out, shining its yellow rays of happiness onto everything.

She continued walking and eventually her feet led her to the high school, just as the bell rang. _'That was lucky' _she thought to herself half-heartedly. She walked into her classroom, taking her seat and fishing through her bag for the books she'd need. Her desk was next to the window (where her focus usually was in lessons), and on her other side was Sasuke who sat between herself and Naruto. Ever since they had been put into teams, everyone in their class had done all lessons involving team-work, partnerships or even set up the seating arrangements in those teams. This was mostly done so that all members of the team knew the same amount of information (as well as the extra 'bonding' it meant the teams would get with each other, but the teachers neglected to tell them that in case they weren't happy in their teams and it did more damage than good).

As usual the class slowly poured in over the next fifteen minutes knowing they could take their time because today they had Kakashi. Most students were just sitting around chatting, Naruto, the loudest of them all could be heard over the others although he was (apparently) a part of the same conversation. Sasuke sat at his desk, reading to pass the time and Sakura just stared out the window. She wasn't bored, just thinking about nothing in particular as she absent-mindedly raked her fingernails over her exposed her forearm in her lap.

She had pulled up the her long sleeves earlier to make sure her arms weren't bleeding and hid them under her desk. Her pain, whether she caused it, was her own and even the two people she was closest to didn't need to know about it. As she dragged her nails over the scars, old and new, she felt a little pain and the corners of her mouth twitched up into a small smile.

'You look happy'

The voice shocked her back to reality but it was the person who had said it that shocked her. Sasuke raised an eyebrow at her and as she looked down she realised that all he could see was that both of her arms were under the desk and one was moving…slowly. She blushed furiously, immediately bringing her arms up (after pulling her sleeves down with practiced ease) and rested them both on the desk. Sasuke smirked but neither got the chance to say anything more as Kakashi waltzed in and waved saying,

'Hi everyone, sorry I'm late, but was stopped by a purple rabbit and…'

'LIAR!'

* * *

After her lessons were over, Sakura said goodbye to her friends and walked home. On the way she started thinking about homework, (mostly target practice and possible mission briefs) but every time she started mentally doing her work in her head, her mind would drift back to her arm and that glorious time she knew would come when it got dark and her mothers' snoring rang through the house when she would feel it again… that brief empty happiness that nothing could beat. 


	2. Midnight and Empty Promises

_I'm so sorry it took me this long to update (changed the story at the last minute hehe - its better explained now ) and that its such a short chapter - the next ones longer i promise - also im sorry to those who dont like flashback-heavy stories - i only did it to explain a few things and make the story deeper down the track (hopefully it will work )_

_PS - italics_ _flashback _

_big thank yous to Gothic Saku-c__han, Tema-chan, cutegerbilofdeath and of course dailyangel for reviewing and encouraging me to write more of my first fanfic - thankyou!_

_hope you like it _

* * *

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 2: Midnight and Empty Promises

Sakura laid in bed, wide awake and deep in thought. It was always easier to think at this time of night… easily ignored snores rang through the house and it was dark it didn't matter whether her eyes were open or shut. It was also the first time in a long time she didn't have a throbbing arm to help her sleep and clear her mind. The reason was simple enough, she had run out of room on her arm, making the skin harder to cut so she'd decided to leave it for a night, promising her restless mind it would just be one night. She was so used to her routine of pajamas, razor, bed thought that she was finding it hard to sleep. So she lay there, thinking…

_Sakura walked home sadly, her backpack dragging on the ground, eyes downcast and droopy. School had been awful, her and her 'best friend', Ino had had yet another meaningless fight over something so pointless they had both forgotten what it was, she had a mountain of homework that she was currently lugging home, Sasuke had been colder than usual towards her (if that's possible), and during training she'd had the now blindingly obvious realisation that she was a complete and utter weakling. _

_She trudged through the door calling 'I'm home' before remembering her mother was still at work. 'Great' she thought sarcastically before throwing her bag into her room letting out most of her pent-up frustration in that single act before shutting the door really quickly, 'if I cant see it, it didn't cause as much damage as I think it did', she thought as she heard the crashes of the several somethings that fell victim to her momentum propelled backpack. _

_Opening the door tentatively, she walked into her bedroom and surveyed the damage. It wasn't too bad, just some overturned photo frames and 'damn it' she thought when she saw her small make-up bag empty and the majority of her make-up, most still intact but some annoyingly broken, covering the carpet. She sighed as she knelt to put it all back. 'eye shadow, blush, eyeliner,' she thought as she picked up each item and placed it back in the bag, mentally ticking them off of her list as she made sure she had everything. 'More eye shadow, body spray, talcum powde… _ouch_!'_

_As she was reaching for the talcum powder, her finger caught the edge of the razor sitting beside it. Sakura sat motionless and looked at the small cut where tiny, glistening beads of blood were appearing. She was fascinated by the sight of her own blood and although it hurt a little, that small amount of pain seemed to envelope her, making her forget the world in its entirety and focus purely on the sensation pouring over her from her fingertip. _

_She slowly, carefully tried pulling the cut open a little, bringing a few more beads of blood and a tiny jolt of pain, barely noticeable but there. She sat for a moment staring at it before reaching and grabbing the razor again, this time by the handle. She had heard of people doing this before and couldn't quite understand why anyone would do it… until now. Not that she could have explained it even now though, it wasn't something that could be put into words properly, it was too simple and too complex. So she sat in the middle of her bedroom floor, surrounded by a mess of broken make-up, photos and general clutter, as she slowly, timidly dragged the razor over her forearm and watched, mesmerized, as the skin separated from itself and more blood appeared._

_Of course there was the initial jolt of pain that shot through her and made her gasp, but a moment later it had turned to a dull throbbing and she didn't particularly mind it… not at all…_

'That definitely was an interesting day' Sakura thought remembering as she slowly began to doze, falling through layers of semi-consciousness.

'_finally getting to sleep' _she thought dazedly, '_I really should stop I guess though, and its not like its going to be that hard to stop cutting, clearly because im not now am I? Ok then' _She thought, trying to keep her brain from fogging over into sleep as she rolled over in bed. _'Never again… never…ever…'_ and her breathing slowed and steadied as she finally gave into the tug in her mind, telling her not to think any longer.

* * *

again, sorry for the shortness - pleeeeease review and let me know what you think - thanx for reading 


	3. Weakness

_ok, i updated faster this time because it may be awhile before i can again (but i will as soon as i can ) _

_big thankyous to cutegerbilofdeath, you.broke.a.promise, and doubly to Gothic Saku-chan, Tema-chan and dailyangel for such kind words and im sorry if anyone doesn't like the cutting theme, its kinda the point... ideas are welcome tho - thanks for reading and i hope you like it _

* * *

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 3: Weakness

_Ring, ring, ring! Ring, ring, ring!_

The bell rang out, interrupting whatever it was Kakashi was going to say next as everyone in the class instantly got to their feet.

'You're only supposed to leave when I tell you…' Kakashi tried to call out above the sudden din of scraping chairs and books being shoved into backpacks as people rushed to leave the class as quickly as possible to avoid any extra homework.

'Agh screw it' he mumbled, pulling out his little orange book, a smile already on his face.

It was lunch time but Sakura decided she wasn't really hungry so instead she walked to the Team 7 training grounds knowing that the others would catch up after lunch. Most of the time they were left to train on their own, although it was fairly obvious that the reason behind this was because Kakashi couldn't be bothered after morning lessons. She absent-mindedly walked around the training grounds, just trying to clear her head of some very irrepressible and completely unhelpful thoughts. Just as she was thinking about how attractive her kunai was beginning to look, she heard Sasuke and Naruto's arguing getting closer and immediately shoved those thoughts out of her mind as she went to meet them with a slightly but unnoticeably forced smile.

'Dobe.'

'Baka.'

'Hn.'

'Baka.'

'Nice comeback.' Naruto thought for a minute before Sasuke lost patience and walked off, leaving Naruto to ponder that.

'Baka.' He murmured before running to catch up.

'Hi guys, good lunch?' Sakura asked, forced smile still on while she desperately tried to stop thinking about her kunai.

'Yeah, great thanks.' Naruto said after a moment's hesitation before explaining the finer details of the ramen now situated in his stomach. Sasuke had noticed it too, the slight tremor in her voice. He glanced at her face, only now noticing the cracks in her façade of happiness that she was trying so hard to hide. They were tiny but they were there and Sasuke wondered why she needed to try so hard to look happy when she usually just was.

He only thought about it for a moment though, before Naruto threw a kunai at him. He dodged it but still…

'What the hell dobe?!'

'I got bored, and besides, we are supposed to be training remember?' said Naruto, throwing another kunai at Sasuke, which he dodged as they faced each other head on and both took fighting stances.

Sakura watched the two face off like usual, and decided to get in some target practice. When Kakashi wasn't there (which was the majority of the time), training usually consisted of fights between Naruto and Sasuke, chakra control (which always meant a competition between Naruto and Sasuke), target practice (another contest between Naruto and Sasuke) and sometimes a small, imaginary, practice mission to 'reinforce teamwork' as Kakashi would say.

In every part of training, Sakura generally did her own thing and left Naruto and Sasuke to it. At first she had tried to keep up, tried to prove herself. But as time went on it became fairly obvious to her that they were both in a different league altogether to her. It had bothered too, but after a while she found she didn't care as much as she thought (after all they were both 'prodigies'). She still didn't like being weak though which was why she separated herself from the others, preferring to train alone and unseen so that they wouldn't see her many weaknesses which seemed so obvious to her.

She walked slowly toward the tree she liked to use for target practice, noticing how the sun, which had been out all morning, had disappeared behind a big, black rather ominous looking cloud, casting shadow over everything and making her feel the slightest bit more depressed. It didn't take her long to reach the tree and as soon as she had, she moodily threw a kunai at it, the blade burying itself deep into the trunk.

'_Dammit'_ she thought, her mood dropping another notch as she went to retrieve it. She grabbed her weapon by the handle and pulled a few times but it refused to move. Getting really infuriated, she pulled as hard as she could until it came free, the resulting force throwing her backwards to the ground as the kunai once again flew out of her hand. '_How's that for weakness' _she thought bitterly as she lay in the dirt, thoroughly miserable. She sat up and reached across to grab her kunai. Still sitting, she lifted her sleeve, her guilty secret playing on her mind more than ever as she looked at the latticework of old and new scars running up her forearm. She had made that promise to herself days ago. The promise to stop. But then last night…

'You cheated! I know you did!' Naruto's voice broke the smothering silence, shocking Sakura back to reality and making her realise that she was covered in dirt and had unknowingly pressed the kunai to her arm. She quickly tried to regain composure and shoved the weapon back into her pouch and stood, just as Sasuke and Naruto stepped into the clearing. Both stopped when they saw a very disheveled Sakura standing in front of them.

'Sakura? What happened? Are you ok?' Naruto asked his voice instantly full of worry as he began to scan the sky as if expecting an enemy to fall on them. Sakura's mask was back up in a flash as she smiled and started brushing herself off.

'Nah, I'm fine, just tripped over hehe.'

Naruto and Sasuke looked at her strangely for the second time that day as they both tried to think of reason for her strange mood. After a moments silence, Sakura stopped trying to get the dirt off of her and looked up to find them both watching her, Naruto's face full of concern and Sasuke's, well, completely blank still but with one eyebrow raised in curiosity. She looked from one to the other, _'great, now they think I'm insane'_.

She laughed nervously, anything to break the awkward silence that had formed between them. It seemed to wake Naruto up at least, as he smiled and grabbed his kunai, throwing one without hesitation past Sasuke's face (missing it barely) and into a tree to his left. That snapped Sasuke out of his thoughts as he murderously glared at Naruto and drew his own kunai. Sakura smiled in relief and rolled her eyes slightly, _'phew, back to normal'_.

'Bye Sakura, see you tomorrow.' Naruto yelled, walked away backwards with his big goofy grin in place before he turned and walked home. Sasuke lifted a hand briefly too before turning on his heel and leaving. Sakura stood smiling and waving as well until they were out of sight. She sat down on a nearby log with a small sigh, her smile falling from her face instantly as she held her head in both hands. Sighing again she rolled up her sleeve and stared at her arm. It was like she never got sick of seeing the proof of her pain as her fingers slowly ran up and down her arm, feeling every little bump of each of the many scars, all holding there own private bad memory of something or other.

She distractedly dug her fingernails into one of the cuts she'd added to her collection the night before and watched as the now re-open cut produced little beads of blood that overlapped the dried blood from yesterday. _'Dammit! I've done it again!'_ She angrily tried to brush the blood away but only succeeded in smearing it up her arm. _'Why must I be so weak? I have to stop doing this… I will stop doing this! I'm never doing this again' _she promised herself as she pulled her sleeve back down, ignoring the blood still on her arm.

She stayed where she was though and her clouded eyes reflected the inner battle she was fighting against herself. Eventually she lowered her head, her soft pink hair falling around her face, her eyes downcast, as she pulled up her sleeve once more and took out her kunai in defeat. _'No more after this' _she told herself, desperately wanting to believe that, as she drew line after line across her arm and blood created a red sheen over her skin before dripping and falling into the dirt below.

* * *

yay, finally did a longer chapter ... ok so its not that much longer but oh well , please please _please _review (its the only way i'll learn lol - ideas, suggestions, go for it ) 

thanx for reading


	4. Discoveries

_Im so sorry - its been so long since i last updated! - i kept typing bits and pieces but it took forever to actually finish it and i had to split up a chapter too (so the next ones already written and wont take as long for me to update _

_oh, and im using most (if not all) ideas_ _suggested to me so dont think ive ignored them if they arent in thsi chapter... theyre on their way ) - again big big thanks to yukibozu, torakama, Merridaine, starlit.kiss7, dailyangel, you.broke.a.promise, Gothic Saku-chan and cutegerbilofdeath - so many reviewers! thanks so, so much - it means a lot and motivates me to keep writing  
_

**

* * *

**

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 4: Discoveries

'Sakura… Sakura! Pay attention!' Kakashi's voice rang through her head

'Huh, what? Oh, sorry sensei' Sakura said blushing as everyone in the class sniggered. Kakashi sighed, exasperated and muttered to himself so that all that could be heard was disjointed sentences,

'Don't know why I bother…could be reading right now…'

After a few minutes Kakashi had continued his lecture on bloodline traits and the different clans and Sakura was once again staring out the window cradling her head in her hand, lost in thought. It had been three days since she had promised herself not to cut anymore… and then had straight afterwards.

That day had gotten worse though. She only left the training grounds once the bleeding had stopped and her sleeves were safely covering her secret again. She went straight home after that because she knew that she was late for tea and her mother would be waiting. Sure enough her mum was dishing up tea when she walked in, her hunger pushing all other thoughts from her mind. Her mother started telling Sakura about her day as she handed her the salad bowl and without thinking Sakura, always organised, rolled up her sleeves and began serving her and her mum the salad.

'So I said to her…Sakura!' her mother exclaimed.

'You said that to her?'

'No, your arm! What happened?!'

Sakura inwardly cringed at her thoughtlessness wanting nothing more than to evaporate, just vanish. _'crap, what do I do now' _her eyes darting unconsciously, as if looking for an escape route and knowing that her mother knew exactly what she'd been doing, having been caught out before. It was not one of her fondest memories and definitely wasn't an experience she had wanted to repeat, but it looked as though she had no choice now.

'Why would you do such awful things to yourself?! Do you hate yourself that much?!' she screeched and her faint disgust at the marks on her arm that Sakura was hurriedly re-covering did not go unnoticed. _'Here we go'_

'I don't hate myself mum'

'Is it something I've done? Do you hate _me _that much?!'

Sakura could've laughed at the insanity.

'No mum, it's not about you at all' Seeing her mothers teary eyes and hurt reaction to this made her sigh. Standing up she walked around the table and forgotten food and hugged her mum as she explained how stupid it was and how she had stopped (luckily her mother had only seen her arm from a distance so she didn't see that some were fresh), and how she would never ever do it again. She could tell that her mother was still upset about it but knew what would happen. They ate their tea and kept talking, albeit hesitantly to begin with, but avoided that subject completely and by the next morning it was like it had never happened at all. You see that's one of the conditions of having a cheery, happy mother… ignorance is bliss and anything that threatens that happiness is rightly ignored.

* * *

'Sakura?' 

'Huh?' Sakura said distantly for the second time that day as she looked up and found Naruto poking her in the shoulder, trying to get her attention.

'Um, class is over.'

Sakura looked around and realised that Kakashi was behind his desk, nose stuck in his little orange heaven, Sasuke was putting his books away into his backpack and apart from the four of them, everyone else had left.

'Oh, I guess I didn't hear the bell' Sakura muttered thinking _'yeah, memories of your mother dismissing you and your 'problems' completely will make you a bit spacey'._ She looked up and saw Naruto looking at her worriedly and quickly smiled.

'I'm fine,' she assured him 'just hungry, let's go grab lunch'.

* * *

The three of them decided to walk to Ichiraku ramen bar for lunch before they began that days training. The walk was fairly quite as usual, but it wasn't the normal, comfortable silence that generally surrounded the three friends, it was slightly, almost unnoticeably tense. Sasuke seemed to be deeper in thought than usual, with his hands in his pockets and his eyes slightly downcast and fixed on the path ahead. It was as though he wasn't even there. 

Naruto on the other hand was making himself painfully obvious as he tried but failed miserably at hiding his concern for Sakura. She tried to smile as much as possible so that he would stop worrying but she found her mask harder to maintain than usual and every so often her smile would slip before she could stop it, only making Naruto worry more. When they got to Ichiraku they ordered some ramen from Teuchi, who grinned broadly at his favourite customer (Naruto) before he joined Ayame in the kitchen.

Sasuke ate his in silence, Naruto… not so much. Unnoticed by the other two, Sakura just poked at her lunch. She felt a little hungry but she didn't want to eat. It had been happening more and more lately, either complete loss of appetite would stop her from eating or she just had no desire to. It was beginning to get annoying but at the same time she liked the way she was getting a little thinner lately and how eating less seemed to be a fairly easy thing to hide…unlike other, more obvious addictions.

Sakura sat for a while longer, moving her lunch around so that it looked like she had actually eaten some before excusing herself to go to the bathroom. Once she got back Naruto and Sasuke were done with their meals.

'Shall we?' asked Sakura, indicating that they should leave to go to training. Naruto looked at her bowl, still completely full although she might have had a bit; he had been too focused on his own lunch to notice. Sasuke also noticed her uneaten lunch and raised an eyebrow quizzically as Naruto said uncertainly,

'Are you sure your done?' Sakura smiled,

'Yeah, I had a massive breakfast, but we should really get going'. Both Sasuke and Naruto shrugged it off as the idea of training brought their focus to each other and the constant competition that each swore they wouldn't lose.

* * *

As usual Sasuke and Naruto faced off, oblivious to everything else as Sakura walked away, thoughts drifting lazily as she watched the trees swaying in the wind. She roamed until eventually her feet led her to the clearing where she spent most of her time. She lay down in the middle of it, in no mood to train, the soft, green grass pressing softly into her back as she watched the clouds drift ever so slowly across the sky. 

She didn't know how long she'd been lying there or if she had even fallen asleep or not, but a rustle in the bushes somewhere behind her made her jump and instantly all of her senses were awake and alert. She stayed exactly where she was, listening intently for any further noises that might indicate who or what was nearby.

Her ears picked up on yelling, so faint that she thought she could have imagined it for a minute before she heard it again.

'Naruto?' she whispered, recognizing his voice instantly, panic rising as she heard it in his voice too.

She jumped to her feet and had only taken one step before having to throw herself back down to avoid the kunai flying at her head. She stood up quickly, whirling around to find the person responsible. The person was a bit taller than her with blood-red hair. That was all she saw before something large rose up in front of her. _'I must be losing it' _she thought, quickly trying to dodge what seemed to be a wall of sand.

She wasn't fast enough and gasped in pain as the sand wrapped tightly around her arms to stop her from moving. Her eyes watered in pain as the cuts up her arm were gripped in the merciless hold of the sand, and for a moment the grip remained the same before loosening slightly so that she couldn't move still but the excruciating pain in her arm dulled to a throbbing ache. She looked up at her captor, trying to pretend she wasn't gasping for air as his emotionless eyes bored into her, secretly puzzled by what had just happened.

They both reacted (him much less noticeably) when they heard the distant yelling of Naruto again. Hearing this, the panic rising once more, Sakura struggled against her quite strange bonds, trying to get to Naruto and Sasuke to help in some way, hoping desperately that they were ok. Her 'enemy' turned away from the sounds and looked at her again.

Sakura mentally kicked herself (not really in a situation which allowed her to do it for real) as she felt more pain in her arm, knowing exactly what had happened. He knew too, his expression showing nothing as his secret curiosity doubled. She felt blood running down her arm, mingling with sand and knew that her struggling had caused quite a few of her cuts to grate on the sand and re-open.

Quite badly too she realised as her head felt a little lighter and she felt her energy draining bit by bit. Suddenly the sand loosened its hold on her, letting her go altogether. She fell to her knees, lacking the energy to stand for the moment and lifted her head to find that her mysterious foe had disappeared. Dazed and confused, Sakura stood shakily before picking up on the sound of fighting and running off in that direction.

* * *

ooooh, my first real cliffy - sorry to do that but it was the best spot to cut the massive chapter in half (and i didnt want to type the whole thing now but i was so late i thought i should at least update something - pleeeeease review and stuff - only way to know if im doing stuff right or wrong and what to do and not to (not to mention the more reviews i get the more i feel like continuing to write and the faster ill update (aw, that came out sounding mean lol) - i'll update very soon - promise!!! 


	5. Secrets Discovered

_Hey all - ok, i wasnt quite as fast at updating... ok nowhere near lol but i did eventually and its a nice biggish chapter so wooo _

_also please ignore any mistakes (grammatical and spelling) - i dont think i left any but its very late and im heaps tired but i really wanted to do this tonight cos i find i do more homework when ive just updated so what was my point? (hehe told u i was tired )_

_so many people! the list gets longer and i couldnt be happier :_

_yukibozu, torakama, Merridaine, starlit.kiss7, you.broke.a.promise, Gothic Saku-chan, cutegerbilofdeath, amy14, PiratexNinja, archerelf, angstar54, Aiyo rei, Kotone111 and most of all dailyangel :) - thankyou so so much, it means so much that u read my story and review (and are still reading it too:) - it really makes my day especially when times are bad, u motivate me to write more and it means a lot, so thankyou :) - ok, on with the story... _

* * *

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 5: Secrets Discovered

When Sakura got back to where she had left Naruto and Sasuke sparring earlier, she was shocked to find Naruto on the ground and clear evidence of a battle, both on him and the trees surrounding them which had taken a worse battering than he had. Rushing over to him Sakura saw that he had quite a large bruise on the side of his forehead which, she reasoned, probably explained the dazed, spacey look on his face. She quickly looked over him and finding no life-threatening damage she sat him up, looked into his eyes to get his attention and said clearly,

'Naruto, where is Sasuke?' He looked at her strangely, clearly seeing more than one of her, he spoke to the empty space slightly to the left of her.

'He went after them.' He said in a completely expressionless voice as his eyes darted everywhere.

'Of course he did,' Sakura muttered, frustrated.

Knowing she needed to stay with Naruto and wouldn't be able to catch up to Sasuke anyway, she took off her backpack and pushed Naruto back until he was lying down and using her pack as a (much less comfortable) cushion. She then sat on the ground next to him and, seeing as how he had already fallen asleep, albeit restlessly, began to examine the damage to her arm. A fair bit of the blood covered her skin and she noticed the grains of sand still stuck annoyingly in the cuts causing more irritation. She tried uselessly to use the sleeve from the other arm to mop up some of the blood but it just made a red, sticky mess so she gave up, deciding that juts rolling her sleeves down and covering it completely would work just as well. Not long afterwards Sasuke returned looking slightly worse for wear and more than a little annoyed.

'They got away' he said shortly. He glanced at Naruto and Sakura, noticing this, asked,

'What happened?!' Sasuke continued to stare at Naruto's bruise as he explained.

'Two strangers came out of nowhere and attacked. One got Naruto in the head with some strange jutsu, I didn't see much of it,' he said, ignoring the persistent but impossible mental image of Naruto being hit with a fan. The idea was laughable. He continued,

'After a while they ran and I chased them but… I lost them' he growled. After a minute he looked at Sakura who was watching Naruto. Taking in her bedraggled appearance and patches of blood, sand and dirt on her clothing, concern crossed his face before he covered it with an emotionless expression and asked,

'What happened to you?'

Not sure of how much to tell him, she simply said,

'I was attacked out of nowhere too, same story as yours really. Strange jutsu, mysterious stranger and he ran too.' Sasuke was about to question her further, knowing she was hiding something but at that moment Naruto began to wake up.

* * *

Sakura walked behind Sasuke as he half-carried Naruto back to the school to be checked by the nurse there. Once in her office, the nurse led Naruto to a bed as she quickly checked him over for any other injuries and sponged the wound on his head whilst rubbing in lotions to help with the pain and lessen healing time. The nurse looked up at Sasuke and Sakura and asked,

'Do either of you need me to check you out?'

Sasuke shook his head and when the nurse looked at Sakura she did too, earning confused looks from both at the blood all over her. Again Naruto's indistinct murmuring took the attention away from Sakura (for which she was _very_ grateful) as the nurse went back to finding lotions for his forehead. Sasuke however continued to look out of the corner of his eye at Sakura as he puzzled over what could be wrong with her.

After a few minutes the nurse said,

'He'll take awhile to heal, but I think he's alright to go home, although one of you will need to help him.' She added as she looked up. Sasuke, mind still annoyingly stuck on Sakura stepped forward saying,

'I'll do it, it's on my way anyway.'

'I might just head home too then' said Sakura, thankful to be able to get home and have a much needed shower. The nurse looked hesitant as she reluctantly let the blood-stained kunoichi leave.

* * *

Sakura walked out of the room, shutting the door behind her, and made her way down the hall slowly, mind set on the mysterious enemy she had encountered earlier in the forest. Just as she had walked past a room with a closed door, she heard the door open and her name before turning around in surprise.

'Sakura?' said Kakashi uncertainly.

'Oh, hi sensei, what are you doing here so late?'

'Uh… just catching up on paperwork.' He replied as a certain little orange book was tucked discreetly into a back pocket. Kakashi took in her disheveled, bloodied appearance fully for the first time and the corner of his eye creased unnoticeably as he thought, _'What on earth? What happened?!' _Instead he said reassuringly,

'Sakura, would you mind if we stepped in here?' He said stepping out of the doorway and indicating the room he had just been in, 'and had a chat? Heh, seems like ages since we caught up' he finished cheerfully. Sakura slightly wary and expecting more homework slowly stepped into the room with Kakashi following. They both sat down either side of his desk as he looked at her again and she sat wondering what was going to happen and what he thought of 'catching up' as.

'I've noticed that, just lately…you seem, I don't know, different. Is everything ok?' He said after a moment's hesitation, not quite sure how to approach the subject. _'Great' _she thought, _now they're all worried about me'_ as she noticed the concern in Kakashi's eyes and mentally rolled her own at her carelessness. _'I can't let people know about this, it's simply not an option'_ she decided, mask instantly in place as it had been so many times before.

'Heh, nah I'm fine, just tired cos of all the homework heh' she said smiling, _'Well I might as well take this opportunity to get out of homework if I can hehe'_

Kakashi wasn't buying it though. Even without his sharingan he could see straight through her mask and knew something was wrong. Looking at her for another minute and noticing how anxious she seemed to be getting each second, he finally sighed and said with a slight tone of defeat,

'Fine, you can go, I just wanted to make sure you were ok, I know how you feel when it comes to Sasuke and Naruto.' Sakura raised her eyebrows questioningly as he sighed again, 'Sakura, I'm your trainer and I'm not blind,' _'far from it'_ 'I'm well aware of all three of your training methods and of the way you see yourself.' Sakura had to try hard to keep from laughing at this, but it was out of bitterness, _'you have no idea' _she thought as she assumed her politely curious mask, looking as though she didn't know what he was talking about. For the third time in so many minutes Kakashi sighed at her reaction as she inwardly sniggered _'he's going to pass out if he keeps exhaling that fast'_.

Swiftly losing patience with this conversation and wanting to get home, she said sweetly and with all the innocence she could muster,

'So if that's all can I go now?'

Kakashi's eyes continued to bore into her and she was beginning to get really irritated.

'I also know a little of your home-life' he said as though he hadn't noticed her growing irritation but still watching her reaction carefully. Her face remained relatively impassive when he said this, _'he wouldn't know much surely'_, until he spoke again that is.

'Have you heard anything from your father?'

Instantly before she could stop it her face fell.

'I really do need to get going' she said shortly as she stood, instantly caging in all emotions, good and bad like an internal self-defense mechanism. Realising he's pushed her too far and not wanting to scare her off, Kakashi quickly got to his feet, side-stepping the desk and grabbed her arm just as she was trying to make a hasty retreat. As his strong fingers closed around her arm in an attempt to keep her from leaving she winced, the small amount of pressure sending enormous amounts of pain through the already sensitive skin where so many of her cuts had been re-opened only a few hours earlier. Feeling her instantly tense under his hand and seeing the pain on her face, Kakashi let go startled, wondering how he had hurt her.

* * *

Both Sakura and Kakashi stood silently, neither one sure of what to do or say.

'A-are you ok?' Kakashi eventually asked, still concerned and bewildered. Sakura went to say she was fine as usual but she doubted very much that he would believe that. She stood there for a moment still unsure, before Kakashi regained his composure (although still looking incredibly concerned) and guided her back to her seat, Sakura putting up no resistance. Kakashi then brought his chair around the desk and sat down directly in front of her. He then waited patiently as she thought of what to say, him giving her as much time as she needed.

'I…' Sakura began but stopped, still at a complete loss as to what to say. _'How do I explain this to him when I can't even explain it to myself?'_

'I um…' Sakura tried again, before again trailing off. For Sakura this was like one of the many internal struggles she had with herself daily. _'How much do I say… what do I say… should I say anything…can I trust him at all…'_ as she felt an enormous cloud of doubt fill her mind, her eyes flicked up to the still silent Kakashi, noticing him watching her intently as though noting her every movement, she felt an instant of panic at being so carefully scrutinized before looking into his eyes and seeing the kindness there. _'Maybe…I can trust him…I'm safe here with Kakashi…its ok… I can let someone in… it's ok, it's ok…'_ she thought over and over, reassuring herself. Finally decided, Sakura took a deep breathe and a moment to collect her still very jumbled thoughts before beginning with a new strength in her voice,

'I've been…' she began just as the door burst open.

'Ramen time now, I'm hungry and it's your round Kakashi!' Naruto half-yelled with a big grin on his face before seeing Kakashi's face, Sakura, and the way they were seated. 'Sorry did I interrupt?' Naruto asked blankly looking quite confused. Kakashi sat glaring at Naruto for a moment before inwardly sighing and softening his features, it wasn't Naruto's fault after all, he always did that and Kakashi blamed himself, and he should've locked the door. He looked back down to Sakura whose face had become completely emotionless, making Kakashi instantly cringe. She'd _never _open up to him now.

* * *

Just before Naruto had burst into the room, Sakura really had been about to tell Kakashi, but as soon as that door opened… she couldn't have if she'd wanted to, she just lost what she was about to say completely. Instantly, out of reflex she had put up every single mental barrier, hidden every single emotion, so that her face was now more mask-like than ever. Her eyes didn't even look alive, like she had somehow even managed to hide that spark of life that everyone has. She became a living statue, staring directly at the wall across the room. She faintly heard Naruto's voice apologizing for the interruption but all she could think of was her own shouting thoughts in her head.

'_What was I really going to say anyway? I've been…what? I've been cutting? I've been inflicting bodily harm upon myself? I've been an idiot? How stupid of me… so much for I can handle it… anyway its for the best, I mean, I don't want a repeat of mum do I?'_.

Convincing herself that everything was fine and to the shock of Naruto and increased concern of Kakashi, Sakura smiling stood up and bowed quickly to Kakashi, avoiding his eye.

'Thank you sensei, how kind of you to take us out for dinner' she said, before turning with her big fake grin to Naruto as she grabbed his arm, dragging him out of the doorway and down the hall, laughing heartily to try to lighten his mood and reassure him that everything, as always, was fine.

* * *

_ok, firstly about this chapter, for those of you who arent happy with it i just want to say please hang in there, its turning into a really (really...lol) long story and i dont want to rush anything that happens so please be patient because i know if u stick around at least for the next chapter at least some of you might be a bit happier with it, (i know im being horrible to sakura arent i lol) - but all suggestions have been taken on board, it will come together a bit soon and hopefully ill update again this week with any luck so you can see what i mean (for those who are happy with it, (and have said so )thankyou so much, ur reviews make me write much faster and give me a lot more confidence so thankyou very very much )_

_big big **big** favour, either next time i update (hopefully) or on my profile (im not sure which yet but ill make sure i mention it when i do ) i will posting a survey related to anime and manga (ok, im doing year 12 at the moment... um final year of school for those not in australia and im doing visual art studies... everyone who has done it will know how hard and increasingly annoying it is - and i am doing my big essay (yes the 30 or some other ridiculously large number worth of my final grade for the year) on anime and manga and am doing surveys as primary research - i desperately need as many people as possible to do this survey (it really wont be long at all, its just for reference points in the essay and will probably take less than 5 minutes of your time and you dont need to know anything at all about it or you could be an anime/manga professor...i told u i was tired hehe - everyone helps) - i still have to finalise it and everything but please please **please** when i post this survey, please be one of the kindhearted, people who i will be forever indebted too () and do the survey for me, please!? (oh, and i will post the next chapter quicker to get the survey out and if i get lots of people do it i can write faster too...um... i can give u cookies?! _

_anyway thanks for reading my ramblings and requests, i have but one more, please review!!! - let me know what u think its always welcome and again, thankyou so much for reading _


	6. Black Dots

_firstly, i am so so so sorry it tok me so long to update -dodges flying chairs- blame my art teacher!! lol, and if loads of people do my survey then the nxt upload will be in a matter of days (the more surveys the less time itll be... aww now i sound mean again :)_

_secondly, i want to make it very very clear that unless i get a LOT of reviews to the contrary, this is still a sasu/saku fic, give it time :D - and any kakashi fans... well, u can dream lol - hey if i get requests ill make one of them too but this isnt one so, sorry :)_

_again, the biggest of big thankyous to all of my reviewers who keep me writing when i lose all motivation and confidence :): __yukibozu, torakama, Merridaine, starlit.kiss7, you.broke.a.promise, Gothic Saku-chan, cutegerbilofdeath, amy14, PiratexNinja, archerelf, angstar54, Aiyo rei, Kotone111, soojinyeh and TellerOfLies - you guys rock!!_

_and most of all dailyangel, this chappies dedicated to you and thanx for your help with it hehe, and because of why you dedicate chapters in the first place :) thanks very very much my friend :)_

_ok, sorry for all of that loyal readers...onwards!... :) (and a quick apology for the terrible title... hey by the end of the chap you'll see that it sort of fits... hahaha ah well lol...)_

**

* * *

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**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 6: Black Dots

Naruto led the way up the streets of Konoha with Sakura, Sasuke, and Kakashi trailing behind, lacking his enthusiasm, all deep in their thoughts. As Naruto practically ran up the street, he arrived at Ichiraku long before the others who didn't mind taking their time, so that, by the time they got there, Naruto was already in the middle of a very animated (A/N: sorry for the pun :D) conversation with an already exhausted Teuchi.

When Sasuke, Sakura and Kakashi walked up to them, a now very grateful Teuchi made his escape to the kitchens and Naruto turned his attention on his friends. Sakura and Kakashi saw his face seconds before he spoke and both silently swore.

'So what were you and sensei talking about before anyway?' he asked Sakura, covering his own slight worry for her that was ever-present lately with his overwhelming curiosity.

The unknown topic caught Sasuke's attention too, as he hated being out of the loop and he clearly was at the moment. All eyes on Sakura now, her mind went blank, _'crap, what do I say? Would it be too obvious to run? No, Naruto's like a puppy, he'd probably think I was playing and chase me… this isn't helping_ she thought as she fought the urge to giggle at the sudden mental image. Seeing all eyes on her again made her nervous and her hands started fidgeting as she tried and failed to think of something to say.

As the uncomfortable silence stretched longer and longer, Kakashi, who had also been at a complete loss which was why he hadn't helped earlier, smiled and said,

'Well you see, the twists and turns of life bring some unusual…'

'Liar!' Naruto said purely out of habit.

'Ok, ok, I called her into my office because she finishes her work faster than anyone else in class and I wanted to talk about giving her some harder work to do.'

Sakura looked at Kakashi gratefully as Naruto grudgingly decided to believe him and Sasuke just sat and stared into space, thinking.

* * *

Earlier that day Sasuke, who had been getting some books from his locker and had been more than a little irritated to find Naruto gone from the nurses office whilst apparently under the her self proclaimed 'watchful eye', had only caught the tail-end of the conversation and awkwardness that occurred when Naruto burst into Kakashi's office. Realising he knew the least of all of them in the situation annoyed him (and seriously stung his Uchiha pride), especially annoyed at how much it piqued his own curiosity and, though he would never admit it, concern. A few minutes later they all got their ramen and began eating. 

'Damn nurse… I'll give her a watchful eye…' Sasuke was grumbling inaudibly and trying not to subconsciously activate his sharingan as Naruto and Kakashi began a normal conversation about training (and who was winning between Naruto and Sasuke). Kakashi listened as Naruto spoke and ate (at the same time… loudly), whilst Sasuke argued with him every so often. In other words, a normal dinner with Team 7.

'And then I grabbed his arm…_slurp_…and he was SO SLOW! _Slurp_… and I totally won, believe it! _Sluuurp…_'

'Hn, if you call lying face down in the dirt winning, dobe'

'What'd you say teme?! I totally won and you know it!'

'Sit down Naruto'

'But sensei…' Naruto whined

'No buts Naruto, beat each other up tomorrow in training, but right now were eating' Kakashi said as he looked at the three of them, _well most of us are eating_ he thought and frowned to himself when he saw Sakura's uneaten ramen.

* * *

Sakura had stopped listening a while ago as she absent-mindedly stirred her ramen with her chopsticks, bringing some noodles out of the bowl every so often before setting them back down so that those who weren't really paying attention would think she was eating. Unfortunately for her, someone was paying attention. As she continued to play with her food, Kakashi stayed silent and Sakura, still half listening to Naruto's shouts and Sasuke's irritated voice didn't notice the single eye watching her. 

This time after their meal, Sasuke and Naruto were arguing too much to notice the still full bowl of ramen left behind and Kakashi didn't say anything, so Sakura didn't need to think of an excuse. _Thank goodness, I'm way too tired to come up with a good one tonight, they'd never have believed me_ she thought. Stumbling so slightly she thought only she noticed, she decided she desperately needed to get home before falling asleep so she said goodnight to Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke and began walking home.

As she walked up the street alone with only the moon to guide her she felt slightly light-headed for a second and staggered before it passed and she felt fine again. She didn't feel scared because even though she was well aware that she was a girl, alone, at night, she had walked home alone at night many times before and lived in a relatively safe neighbourhood, so she wasn't concerned about that. She was starting to feel a little uneasy at how she was feeling though. The further she went, the more she was stumbling and tripping until eventually she felt so dizzy that she had to stop and lean against one of the trees dotted up the street.

She shut her eyes as black dots swam in and out of vision, making her feel sick as she tried to get her breath back. As she leant against the tree with her eyes shut she thought she sensed something nearby but she didn't know what and was finding it hard enough to concentrate on staying conscious, so she ignored it. After a few minutes she still felt exhausted and since some of the dizziness had gone she slowly began to start walking home again.

She had walked for only a few minutes before the dizziness struck again and she felt like crying out in frustration because she had another ten minute walk before she would be home. She stopped abruptly as she suddenly felt like she was underwater and grasped her head in both hands as the world began to spin before her eyes. Suddenly she felt it again. Something… no, someone was coming closer. _Dammit, why now, I'm too dizzy to fight_ she thought desperately as her rising panic did nothing to help her battle against her inevitable black-out, only making her more lightheaded and causing the black dots to reappear. Just as she vaguely sensed the person in front of her and looked up waiting in vain for her eyes to adjust, she only saw a flash of silver before the black dots consumed her vision and she felt her body begin to crumple, as though it was falling in on itself. Feeling strong arms grab her before she hit the ground, she finally lost the already weak grasp she had on consciousness.

* * *

_aww, did i leave u on a cliffy again? - im sorry, -dangles next chapter above ur head- like i said, more reviews, less time :D - i know im mean :) - please please PLEASE do it for me though (its for my art class and i desperately need as many as possible for a massive essay...please?... feel free to do it more than once too lol :) -- it wont take long, most of the answers are yes/no ones, only the bottom ones need more than that and its ok to not write much there, but as much as possible is very very helpful to me so please? -- either pm me with it or you could put it in a review... personally i suggest pm-ing it but whichever way you want is fine :) and hope u enjoyed the chapter :)... and btw the next ones longer too to make up for the tinyness of this one :D _

thanks for reading :)


	7. Selfish

_school holidays...yay:) - although to be fair in year 12 theyre more like a sadistic joke teachers play on students to fool them into thinking they have more time to do the massive amounts of work but oh well lol... also it means ill update sooner so yay :) _

_big thankyous to all of my reviewers, u guys rock :): Babybugichoo95, __yukibozu, torakama, Merridaine, starlit.kiss7, you.broke.a.promise, Gothic Saku-chan, cutegerbilofdeath, amy14, PiratexNinja, Archerelf, angstar54, Aiyo Rei, Kotone111, soojinyeh, Queen-Cocaine and TellerOfLies - you guys rock!!_

_and especially to Archerelf, amy14, yukibozu, Queen-Cocaine and very much to dailyangel, this chappies dedicated to all of you for taking the time to do the survey and helping me immeasurably with my assignment :D _

_oh, and quickly (i always do such long intros... sorry!!!) - thanks to Babybugichoo95 for pointing this out :) - their ages... sakura is 17 (and if you need help with the flashbacks ahead... i know more flashbacks, sorry!... the first one is when she's 10, the second when she's 14, and the third when she's 16... although thats pretty easy to work out lol) - and as for the others... sasuke's 18 and naruto's only just turned 18 as well... sakura's nearly 18... all part of the story lol... onwards :D_

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* * *

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**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 7: Selfish

After Team 7 had left Ichiraku, Kakashi had noticed Sakura's unsteadiness and saw her 'unnoticeable' stumble so when they'd said their goodnight's and split up, Kakashi thought it might be a good idea to keep an eye on Sakura just until she was safely back home. Masking his chakra, as he didn't want to scare her off anymore than he already had that day, he began to jump from tree to tree, following her slow, halting progress down the street.

With fast growing concern, Kakashi noticed every one of Sakura's stumbles and when she leant against the tree he was in to catch her breath, he waited with bated breath, knowing that no matter how hard he tried, at this distance she would be able to sense him. It was only when, after pausing for a minute, Sakura kept walking that he realised how out of it she really was.

After she was far enough ahead, Kakashi continued to follow, thinking that if she got much worse he would have to reveal himself to help her. Sure enough moments later Sakura stopped suddenly and desperately grabbed her head, looking as though she couldn't breathe. Without hesitation Kakashi quickly closed the distance between them, appearing right in front of Sakura.

Looking down he could see the fear in her clouded eyes, knowing that she was so close to losing consciousness that she didn't recognise that it was him. _She didn't know it was me? She must have been so frightened thinking a stranger was following her… all I did was make things worse…again…_ seeing her eyes dim snapped him back to reality as her body collapsed, as if in slow motion. Sweeping down he swiftly caught her limp body before lifting it up to cradle it in his arms. As her head lolled against his chest he looked down, again taking in her disheveled appearance. _I need to get her home._

* * *

Knowing where each member of Team 7 lived definitely had its advantages as Kakashi knew exactly where to take Sakura. When he got to her house he found an open window down one side of it and after climbing through (making sure not to hit any part of Sakura against the window), he realised from the items in the room, especially the numerous photos of Team 7 that it was Sakura's. 

It wasn't as girly as he thought it would have been, in fact he thought it resembled more what he expected Sasuke's bedroom to look like. He walked over to the bed on the opposite side of the room and gently placed Sakura on top of it before standing again and looking around quickly. For some reason he always assumed her room would be pink and girly and full of photos of Sasuke. Instead he found himself in a fairly large but mostly empty room with only the bed in the furthest corner from the window, a side table next to it, a black writing desk and a dark wooden wardrobe lining the walls.

The walls were painted a dark green that seemed to soak up all the light, making the room seem darker, and the bed also had matching, dark green quilts and pillows on it making it look as though, if anyone was to lie in the bed, they would appear to be being swallowed by the room. He inwardly shivered at the thought. The photos of Team 7 he had noticed before were placed on the desk but around the edges to still allow space for working, and the middle of the largish room was bare, allowing space for… well, who knows what.

He turned and looked at Sakura again, noticing the dried blood, dirt and, on closer inspection, sand on her skin and clothing. '_How on earth did she manage to get sand on her?!' _Deciding that he needed to find out where the blood had come from and to make sure she wasn't still bleeding, he carefully removed her outer clothing so she was left in her underwear. Being a Jounin, Kakashi felt no embarrassment or unease about undressing one of his teammates in order to treat them, he had done it many times before, as had Sakura when treating him.

It did unnerve him however to see the one who he thought of as his most innocent teammate and student covered in blood and dirt and looking so vulnerable. He quickly looked over her body, at first seeing only the bloodstains and not what had caused them. Wondering if it was even her blood at all he glanced at her face and saw how pale it was, _'it must be her blood,'_ he reasoned,_ 'simply not eating dinner wouldn't have caused her to pass out'. _Eventually as his eyes searched more carefully around the top half of her body, where most of the blood was, he noticed a large patch completely covering one of her arms. Deciding he needed some medical supplies, he opened her wardrobe, searching, and finally grabbed a small kit from the top shelf that the ever-organised Sakura always kept handy and ready for emergencies.

Leaving her alone for a minute, it didn't take long for Kakashi to find her kitchen and get a bowl from the sink. He rinsed it and re-filled it with warm water and, grabbing a cloth, went back to her room. Pulling the chair from the desk over to the side of her bed so that he was sitting beside her still limp body, Kakashi soaked the cloth in the water for a minute before ringing it out and beginning to very gently clean the blood and dirt off of her forearm. As the blood came away bit by bit, Sakura winced a few times in what was now a deep sleep.

As Kakashi cleaned her arm and her pale skin started to show through the blood as it came away, he noticed a long scratch underneath the area he was cleaning. Wondering how she could have gotten a cut quite like that when it looked too straight and even to be a wound received in the heat of battle, he saw another underneath it. As he cleaned her arm off more and more he slowly uncovered the intricate pattern of scars, old and very new that ran up the length of her forearm from wrist to elbow. Kakashi knew exactly what they were, what stunned him was why her… why Sakura of all people… she always looked so happy and carefree…

* * *

As Kakashi sat cleaning her arm, Sakura was far away in a deep sleep brought on by exhaustion. As she slept, she had more vivid dreams than usual about things that she would rather have stayed forgotten in the darkest recesses of her mind. 

_7 years ago…_

'_For the last time woman, I told you to shut up!' the shout filled the house as the resounding sound of a slap was heard._

_He always yells when he comes back from missions. Sometimes he brings his teammates over and they all get drunk and we all have fun, but the yelling always comes eventually. This was one of _thoseother_ missions. The kind that don't go according to plan. This one was especially bad, one of his teammates died. I don't think he blames himself, he wouldn't… but I guess it's a possibility… I mean he is human after all. Maybe he does. Yes, that must be it. He must blame himself and just needs a way to vent some of his anger… that's all it is, and once he's done we'll have fun again. I won't have to sit at the end of the stairs for much longer, he should be better soon and then we'll have fun again. I wonder why he waits until we get home… why he doesn't just do this as soon as he sees us at the Hokages office, I'm sure he wouldn't have quite so much anger if he didn't bottle it up for the extra time it takes to get home and into the house… he never does though, he keeps it in… I guess it's selfish of me really, he does provide for us and keeps us happy most of the time… _

_I just wish daddy wouldn't hit mummy quite so hard…_

_---_

_3 years ago_

_I cant hear him… he's standing right in front of me but I cant hear him at all… he's standing right in front of me, yelling quite loudly I'm sure but I really cant hear him… he said something and raised his hand but then put it back down… he looks even more frustrated now… maybe he should have just hit me, he wouldn't be as angry anymore… mum's over there somewhere, I cant look because if I do he might too… he might notice that she's more helpless than me right now and he might take advantage of that so I have to stay here and look down or at him… that way I wont upset him… although I think I still am… I'm not quite sure what he wants from me… maybe he's happy just to yell at me… would it make him happier to hit me?... oh… I think I missed something… he just walked away… he's in the lounge room now watching tv… I might go check on mum in that case…_

_---_

_1 year ago_

_He's gone… he left for a mission a few weeks ago and a man came back yesterday and said that his team were just gone…literally gone… no explanation, no bodies, just gone… before he left… the last time I saw him he was angry again… he said that I didn't love him… that I was just trying to get away from him… he was so angry at the thought of losing me, I really cant blame him for yelling and hitting and being so angry when he thought he was loosing me can I… that would just be selfish of me… he even said, just before he left that when he got back he wanted me to _want_ to be with him and try harder… ever since that man came and told us he was gone mum has been different… she seems a little lost, but also happier… and I have to admit it has been quieter and all of the bruises on us both are healing… some have gone away completely… I guess we associated the pain with him though, because in some strange way even though a part of me hates him for what he did to mum and me, I miss the fun times… miss him… miss the pain…?_

_--_

_I'm not sure whether or not I deserved it… the pain… not just the physical pain, bruises fade, scars heal… but emotional too, or is that selfish again?… I can tell mum wants to forget… whenever she sees scars, cuts or bruises she isn't herself, but she always ignores it… that was why she didn't want me to be a ninja though… for a long time I think she was scared that I would eventually go missing like him or just bring violence back into the house, but I persisted… its all I've wanted to do, ever since I was little, become a shinobi… I don't think that had anything to do with _him_ but mum does… either way we're ok now… _

_-_

_she doesn't think he's alive, I'm not sure what I think about it... whether he's dead or isn't… whether I want him to be or not… selfish… well it is isn't it? Especially to tell anyone this… to live like this is one thing, to do whatever I can to get rid of these emotions… maybe everyone else thinks what I do is bad… disgusting…wrong… but to tell anyone about it would be worse… my life may be bad but isn't everyone else's? And to force my problems on them by telling people about this… about my past… about him…about what my mind is telling me over and over again… the way I repeat his words in my head… I won't do it… I won't tell anyone… that would just be selfish…_

* * *

Sakura squinted against the rays of sunlight as they broke through her curtains and invaded her dreams, bringing her back into reality. A few stray tears had crept from her eyes through the night. She had had that dream again. Reliving those memories and emotions that went with them left her emotionally drained so that, even though she had slept longer than usual that night, she felt exhausted. 

She lifted a hand to wipe the wetness on her cheeks away and found that she was in bed but didn't remember how she got there. As she wiped the tears from her face she also noticed that her arm was uncovered. This made her instantly panic as she thought of her mum, realising seconds later that she was on a mission and wouldn't be back for a few more days. It still made her wonder though because she never left her arm uncovered, even when she was alone. It was force of habit now to keep them covered, and she was still wondering how she got home at all.

She was thinking back to when she was walking home and just as she remembered a flash of silver and then darkness she heard soft breathing that had somehow escaped her attention until that moment. Looking to her side, she saw a sleeping Kakashi sitting in her chair next to her bed, looking quite peaceful. She sat up and looked at him for a little longer, enjoying being able to see him looking so serene, before he began to stir.

As his eyes opened slowly to find Sakura sitting up and staring at him with a small smile on her face he smiled too.

'Good morning' he said, still slightly sleepily as he yawned and stretched before standing.

'Good morning to you too… ah, did you bring me here last night...what happened last night?' asked Sakura, very confused as more memories of being followed by a mysterious stranger and the dizziness came back to her.

'Well if you will insist on not eating anything, especially after a fight like the one you had in training yesterday, then you are liable to faint' He said simply, half stern, half amused.

'Oh, you noticed then.' Sakura said looking down at her hands in her lap. After a moment she remembered her arms and looked at them again, realising again that they were bare and that Kakashi was standing over her. She certainly didn't undress herself and although she had no problems with Kakashi treating what he thought were her wounds and cleaning her up when she was clearly in no state to do it herself, it took her a while to grasp the fact that he would had to have seen her arms. And she knew he wasn't stupid, he would know she did them herself. The question was how would he react? _After the dream I had last night I don't really care at the moment, I just hope it's not a repeat of mum… I don't think I have the patience to pretend to listen to a lecture right now…_

Apathetic towards the situation but still wondering what he would say or do about it, she was shocked when Kakashi looked at her and said simply,

'Breakfast?'

* * *

woohoo longer chapter lol... and another update already on the way :) -- hope u still like my story after the explanation as to why she does what she does... and I'll be adding more to that as well (not to mention... well... no that would spoil it... lets just say it was all important info :) 

please review and thanks for reading:)


	8. Breakfast and Broken Doors

_okey dokey, i realise that in the last chapter i said this one would be up in a few days and its actually been over a week but... well i dont actually have a but -dodges more flying chairs- sorry!! hehe_

_thanks to all who review :) you guys really rock -_ _Babybugichoo95, yukibozu, torakama, Merridaine, starlit.kiss7, you.broke.a.promise, Gothic Saku-chan, cutegerbilofdeath, amy14, PiratexNinja, Archerelf, angstar54, Aiyo Rei, Kotone111, soojinyeh, Queen-Cocaine and TellerOfLies, Archerelf, amy14, yukibozu, Queen-Cocaine, dailyangel, ScreamxforxmexBaby, .Wax.Butterflies and Icha Icha Ramen... so so many lol, thankyou all so much for reading and letting me know what you think :)_

_this chapters dedicated to Daily and her group 7 :) - hehe thankyou so much for all your support, i hope you like this chapter and that you all find your Kakashi's :) _

_and also (i know, looooong intro, sorry!) - to Archerelf, thankyou so much for offering to be my beta :), if the offers still there could i send you the next chapter when ive finished it? _

_ok, enough intro lol - on with the story :)_

* * *

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 8: Breakfast and Broken Doors

She wasn't exactly sure what to think of the way Kakashi was handling the situation. After a surprised and timid 'sure' from Sakura, Kakashi had disappeared and before long returned with bacon, eggs and toast.

'I figured that after what happened yesterday you should probably have something substantial for breakfast.' He said handing her a plate loaded with food. She took it gratefully, ignoring how easily he seemed to have found his way around her kitchen. Taking in the glorious smell, she began to eat and tried not to wolf it down too fast.

Kakashi sat in the same chair as before, beside her bed and smiled approvingly at the fact that she was eating without protest before beginning his own slightly smaller plate of food, albeit at a much slower, safer speed. As Sakura slowed down a bit to take in more of the tastes rather than just filling her empty stomach, she laughed lightly saying,

'Hehe, so what does a girl have to do to get breakfast in bed everyday?' before actually realising what she'd just said.

Both Kakashi and Sakura stopped eating for a moment as Sakura looked down and Kakashi looked at her. Truly worried about what he must think of her now that she was properly awake and not thinking of her dream, her mind started racing as she imagined disgust, hate, violence, disappointment and a myriad of other emotions that could be reflected on his face right now.

As she cautiously looked up though, all she saw in his eye was concern, sadness and the obvious desire to help. Those emotions seemed barely recognisable to Sakura as she had so rarely been shown any of them (apart from concern from Naruto… all the time) and she felt her eyes well up at the thought of someone caring. After a moment though, she remembered the last person who had 'cared' for her… who wanted her to love him… the thought made other emotions bubble to the surface… fear, disgust, hatred, betrayal… she couldn't open herself up like that again.

She couldn't let herself become that vulnerable. On the other hand, Kakashi was like a father to her. She definitely considered him to be more of a father to her than her own was, simply because he cared. He tried to help whenever he could and was there for her like a father should be. '_Not to mention he never beat me or mum up'_ she thought bitterly as she again considered, for the second time in so many days, telling Kakashi everything.

Setting the nearly empty plate of food down on the end of her bed, Sakura sat back and looked at Kakashi, trying to think of how to express in words what she wanted to say. Not sure of how to approach the subject in the first place she decided on something obvious,

'Thank you for bringing me back here last night and sorry for causing you so much trouble sensei,' she began. Kakashi looked at her for a moment before saying,

'Sakura, whatever you're going through, and before you start its obvious you're going through something,' he quickly cut across her as she began to deny it out of habit, 'I need you to know that you can tell me, I am here for you and will try to help in any way I can.'

_Just like a father _Sakura thought looking at his concerned face and smiling. It wasn't her usual, fake, 'I'm fine', smile though, it was a genuine smile of peace and gratitude at the thought of someone honestly caring. She hadn't felt that for such a long time.

Looking at Kakashi with that genuine smile made his heart break, as he smiled back beneath his mask. The thought that someone simply taking the time to listen to her having this affect was just so sad, because it made him wonder how little attention people actually paid her and what she must have gone through to get to this point.

Still looking at him, her smile drooped a bit as she took a deep breath and starting from the beginning, told him everything. She told him about her father and his ways of 'coping', her mother and the torment they had both shared at the hands of her father, his disappearance and they're reactions towards it.

She told him about her feelings of inadequacy as a ninja compared to Naruto and Sasuke, her own feelings of loneliness and hopelessness and finally all about her own ways of coping, her mother's reaction to that, and how, even though she knew it wasn't the best way of hiding emotions, she didn't know what else to do.

* * *

Throughout her story Kakashi sat patiently and listened, taking in every single word and feeling a mixture of relief that she was telling someone at last and sadness that she had been through this much and not told anyone… not told him. It made him feel like a failure but he knew that just by listening now he was at least beginning to make it up to her.

'And… I'm not actually sure I want to stop.' She finished and took a deep breath feeling distinctly lighter than when she began talking more than an hour earlier. Looking up from her hands that were currently folded in her lap, she found Kakashi looking at her just as attentively as when she started and couldn't help but smile.

Kakashi clearly understood what she was feeling and smiled under his mask as well before leaning towards her and hugging her closely to himself, shocking Sakura more than a little. It definitely wasn't the reaction she had expected.

'You know you can tell me anything,' he said, his voice slightly muffled by her hair, 'you don't have to hide your emotions any longer.' And he smiled again, although slightly sadder than before, as he felt a small, warm splash of wetness on his neck and found that Sakura was hugging him back tightly, like a child clinging to her father.

When he eventually pulled away, not wanting to scare her into thinking he was leaving her alone so soon after she had opened herself up, he looked at her and saw that even though tears were still slowly trailing down her cheeks, she was smiling such a heart-warming smile that he was sure he would be able to get her through this.

* * *

Slowly getting up, Kakashi took both of their empty plates to the kitchen and put them in the sink before going back to Sakura's room and taking up his seat next to her once again. Both sat silently for a moment.

Realising that they shared something special now and that they had been brought closer together made them smile and feel comfortable enough to sit in silence.

After a little while, Kakashi looked at Sakura's arm which was still lying, facing upwards in her lap. Sakura looked down too at the recently cleaned cuts which were only just beginning to heal. Looking back up to Kakashi blankly, she was brought back to reality and was expecting to hear him say that she had to quit cutting. So what he said next shocked her,

'I'm not expecting you to stop,' he said quietly, still looking at her arm and paused, before looking up into her bright, green, questioning eyes, 'I just want to ask that next time you feel like you need to, you come and talk to me first. Or at least talk to someone.' Still looking at Kakashi, Sakura couldn't help but smile again. It was possibly the best thing he could have said, and she really appreciated him for it. Still smiling, she nodded her head and Kakashi smiled back, just as…

BANG!

'Teme, go back outside, this is Sakura-chan's house and you shouldn't just barge in!'

'You're the one who broke down the door dobe.'

A moment later both Naruto and Sasuke appeared in the doorway to Sakura's bedroom, staring aghast at Kakashi, sitting beside Sakura who was still in bed.

Realising that she was wearing next to nothing (and that her arm was still uncovered), Sakura quickly slipped her arm under the covers as she pulled them up to her chest in a mock show of embarrassment at her semi-nakedness. As Kakashi gave them both a look that seemed to say,

'And what do you want?', Sakura blushed crimson at having her whole team in her room and yet still managed to look ready to throttle Naruto and Sasuke for interrupting (and breaking down her door).

As Sasuke continued to stare between Sakura and Kakashi with his usual blank expression, Naruto's eyes were wide as saucers as he scanned Sakura's bedroom, slowly turning on the spot to take it all in. Whistling low, Naruto caused the others to flinch as he suddenly exclaimed,

'Wow Sakura, your bedroom's just like I thought teme's would be like.'

Throwing a dirty look at Naruto, Sasuke himself slowly examined her bedroom, albeit in a much more subtle way. Feeling the blush on her cheeks redden at this close examination of her most personal space and items she looked imploringly at Kakashi for help, who instantly got to his feet exclaiming,

'Well, I think its high time for ramen myself, would anyone like to join me?'

'But Kakashi-sensei, you haven't even explained why you're here or why you weren't at training this morning. We tracked your chakra and ended up here when you never showed up 'cause we figured you were late. Well you know, later than usual.'

Sakura cringed a little when she heard this because it meant that not only did she waste a day by not training, she had also caused Kakashi to be not just late, but to miss training completely, therefore stopping the others from training as well. Glancing back at Sakura as though reading her mind, Kakashi winked, almost unnoticeably and Sakura thought she saw the ghost of a smile cross his face. Turning back to the others and, with a completely blank, unknowing look suddenly across his features, he said,

'well you see the purple rabbit from the other day decided he needed some help and…' as Naruto exclaimed his usual reaction to Kakashi's lame excuses, even Sasuke couldn't help but mutter, 'liar' as he scrutinized Kakashi and Sakura's faces as if to find some clue as to why they were here and what they had been discussing before they had arrived.

'Ok, ok,' Kakashi said throwing his hands up at Naruto's exclamation, 'but I think this would be a discussion better had over ramen at Ichiraku rather than in Sakura's bedroom while she's half-dressed.'

As both Naruto and Sakura blushed, Kakashi grabbed Naruto and Sasuke by the scruff of the neck (much to their mutual annoyance) and dragged them out the door saying,

'We'll meet you there Sakura,' but after a moment he stuck his head back in and whispered to her,

'Take all the time you need, I've got these two.'

And smiling he left Sakura to her thoughts.

* * *

_ok, not my best chapter (well i dont think anyway) - let me know what you think, and ill try to get the next one written and up in the next week, but schools getting... well just ridiculous.. so i'll try but i cat make any promises, sorry peoples _

_thanks for reading - please review :)_


	9. Everyday Disappearances

_ok, as always thankyou to the fabulous reviewers who are the only reason i kept writing this lately, the list is beginning to get so long that its hard to keep up lol, and i need to upload this as quickly as possible so you all know who you are (i hope :D) - and i'll make sure to thank everyone next chapter which will be uploaded a lot quicker than this one was_

_secondly, i im so sorry for such a late update, i think its the longest ive ever gone between updates, not to mention how dismally short this chapter is too... ok theres not much difference but you deserve more for sticking with the story so im going to really update in a few days._

_also, im in the habit of dedicating chapters now :) - so i gotta say that this one is for daily and her group 7 again just cos i really wouldnt have stuck with this at all if it werent for you and it gives me so much motivation to think that people like my writing so thankyou :)_

_oh and also, this chapter was written when i had no access to ramen for quite awhile :(... all hail food that swims in unnaturally bright orange:) - ok, read on :D_

* * *

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 9: Everyday Disappearances

Slowly, Sakura pulled back the blanket that she had pulled up to her chest, lifting it away from her barely clothed body and shivering slightly as cool air made contact with bare skin. Deep in her thoughts, Sakura stared blankly at the door that her friends had just left through as though seeing through it. Indeed, Naruto had broken the door so she actually was seeing through it to the beautiful clear blue sky that the morning had provided.

She couldn't believe she had told Kakashi those things…everything. At the time it had seemed like the right thing to do and even now a part of her was glad that she had, but she felt numb and distant, like she was shocked by her own decision to open up to him. She sat for another moment in disbelief at her own actions as well as his, before standing abruptly, her covers falling away completely and several birds outside her window fluttering away in fear as she exclaimed,

'I can't believe Naruto and Sasuke were just in my bedroom!'

Cringing that Sasuke had seen her lying, so helpless in bed and knowing that he would now think she was all the weaker for it, she swore to beat the crap out of Naruto for barging into her bedroom and breaking down her door. After watching the birds that she had scared away from her window for a moment and wishing dearly she was one of them she sighed and disappeared into her bathroom, the click of the lock sending a lonely echo resounding around the otherwise empty house.

* * *

As she came into view, Naruto set down his second bowl of ramen and, smiling, let out a yell, 

'Sakura, you made it!'

His grin disappeared and he leapt to his feet the moment he saw her glare and in seconds Kakashi and Sasuke, who had been sitting beside Naruto and eating their own ramen, had a show to accompany their meal.

After a while Sakura got sick of chasing Naruto. She had landed a punch or two and had extracted a fervent string of promises from Naruto that her door would soon be fixed and that he would never see the inside of her room again after which she flopped down on her own seat, looking exhausted.

Kakashi smiled at her, almost imperceptibly, before he dug back into his ramen and his nose disappeared behind his most loved of books. Sasuke, still wondering what he was missing with all of these mysterious little looks and private conversations, looked at Kakashi and seeing him deeply immersed in his own, perverted little world, he turned to Sakura to catch the last fleeting moments of the smile she had given back to Kakashi before her face fell somewhat.

She didn't look too miserable, he decided, she just didn't look all that happy. As he thought about it, (his face showing nothing of his curiosity of course) he realised that she had often been, well… not herself lately.

The thing was though, he couldn't actually pinpoint the time when he first noticed this.

Sakura's spiral into what he could only describe as a complete change in character, had been such a slow transformation. Unnoticeable to everyone to begin with, she had slowly changed from the obsessive, bubbly, happy girl that he had been teammates with, to this unrecognisably distant, paranoid… almost cold person who he was starting to feel like he didn't know at all. _It's almost like… like she's turning into me..._ he thought to himself worriedly while keeping his face inscrutable… _it's not right, this just isn't her, she's not that kind of person… I wonder if she would be acting like this if I wasn't so cold towards her… maybe if I was a bit nicer to her… but I couldn't do that… I mean they know I'm their friend but I can't get too close… although Naruto knows he's my best friend no matter how I treat him… so maybe I'm to hard on Sakura…_

Interrupting Sasuke's thoughts and inner arguments as he accidentally bumped his shoulder on the way past, Naruto practically fell into his own seat, breathing hard after finally realising Sakura wasn't chasing him anymore and it was safe to return to his ramen.

As Sakura ate her ramen slowly not noticing that she was being watched, her thoughts drifted to breakfast. She had dwelt on what had happened that morning and relived it over and over in her mind, questioning her own sensibility at what she had admitted, both to herself and Kakashi, but she hadn't thought of the other part of what had happened that morning until now.

As she slipped back into the old routine of lifting some noodles with her chopsticks before setting them back down into the bright orange liquid swamping the bottom of her bowl, she tried desperately to remember…

_how much did I eat this morning?!_

* * *

After Team 7 had finished (or pretended to have finished) their meals, the three students said goodbye to Kakashi as they made their way to Konoha high school. As today was a Wednesday, Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura had regular classes just like they did on Mondays. Through the rest of the week, the teams trained themselves physically, but twice a week they trained their minds instead and these were Sakura's favourite times of the week because for once she wasn't the weak one. 

Naruto however was the weak one and grumbled the whole way up the street as they neared the big front doors to the towering school building. Walking inside, Sakura and Sasuke immediately turned in different directions up the hall, both lost in their own thoughts and not sparing a moment for the other whilst Naruto followed behind Sasuke, head down and grumbling softly like a morose, blonde-haired little puppy.

As Sasuke got to the end of the hall he looked back with a small groan of frustration as though blaming Sakura for not reminding him that he was supposed to be being nicer to her. He could only just see her little pink head through the throng of people as it bobbed in and out of view before disappearing in the mass of rushing students entirely. It took him another moment to realise that he hadn't heard her yells of, 'Oh, goodbye Sasuke!… see you in class…'

Thinking back he found that he couldn't actually remember the last time he had heard that and, though he didn't like to admit it (even to himself) he felt the absence of her words more than he let on. _I wonder if she's… over me?_

* * *

Sakura got to the end of the hall before glancing back quickly and then ducking into the girl's bathroom. It was deserted so she didn't need to hide in a cubicle as she pulled her sleeve up and examined her arm. She had done it many times before, occasionally even cutting here at school when she felt she couldn't wait long enough to get home. 

This time though she wasn't going to split the skin on her arm, no matter how tempting it was. She was examining her arm because the pain that she had experienced in her cuts in the last few days was nothing compared to that which she felt now.

Looking closely at where she thought she could feel the worst of the pain, she saw that in one recently cleaned and beginning to heal wound, there were tiny grains of what looked like glass. Baffled as to why there was glass in her cuts, she tenderly pressed her fingers to the wound and couldn't hold in the gasp of pain as she felt like her arm was about to explode for a few seconds before it dulled and began to throb painfully.

Knowing that she needed to get the glass out (and not all that sorry at having an excuse), she steeled herself and dug her fingernails carefully into her cut as she tried to cause as little damage as possible while she brushed the glass out. Her eyes watering, she finally managed to get the clump that seemed to have been causing the most pain and she felt the relief in her arm as though she had pulled out splinter.

Taking a moment to get over the pain and brush the tears out of her eyes, she turned her attention to the grains of glass still stuck to the blood on her fingers. As she examined it more closely however, she found that each tiny grain was roughly the same tiny size and resembled something else a lot more closely than glass. Brushing it off (both the odd feeling and the bloody grains stuck to her finger), she washed her arm quickly and pulled her sleeves back down as she hurried out the door, desperately late.

* * *

again, im so sorry for the shorter chapter and if it was worse than usual but i have a feeling you'll like the next one so please stick with it :) -- also ive been sick lately...and getting worse :( - so even though im going to really try to update faster i cant make any promises and the chapters might be a bit sporadic so sorry! 

please leave a review before you go too:)

and thanx as always 4 reading :)


	10. Strangers and Paper Planes

_wow, updating the day after my last one... dont expect that to happen too often -- i shocked myself lol -- _

_ok, i promised i wouldnt forget again, thankyou to all people who review, motivate me to stick with this story and convince me that i must not completely suck as a writer: Babybugichoo95, yukibozu, torakama, Merridaine, starlit.kiss7, you.broke.a.promise, Gothic Saku-chan, cutegerbilofdeath, PiratexNinja, Archerelf, angstar54, Aiyo Rei, Kotone111, soojinyeh, Queen-Cocaine and TellerOfLies, Archerelf, amy14, yukibozu, Queen-Cocaine, ScreamxforxmexBaby, .Wax.Butterflies, Icha Icha Ramen and of course dailyangel, u rock :)_

_im also pulling the chapter that had my survey on it, thankyou again to those who did it, its helped soooo much :)_

_onwards:)_

* * *

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 10: Strangers and Paper Planes

Ignoring the now decreasing pain in her arm, Sakura pushed the heavy door of the girl's bathroom open before hearing the deafeningly loud screech of the school bell signaling the death of her punctuality.

Breaking into a sprint Sakura hurtled up the corridor to her locker, and, in her desperate attempt to avoid being too late, she pulled out the required textbooks only realising afterwards that they were the support foundations of her tiny tower of crap that had filled her locker, and that was currently raining down around her.

Swearing loudly and ignoring the little voice in her head that, despite her annoyance, yelled in a voice not unlike Naruto's, 'Timbeeeeeeer!', she threw herself down onto the ground and scrambled to gather her possessions, knowing now that nothing would save her from the wrath of whichever teacher she had first.

As she grabbed anything she could reach and threw it back into her locker with the force of her infuriation (and massive quantities of unknown inner strength), she noticed that something was blocking the sunlight that had previously been close to blinding her as it poured in from a nearby window and, looking up from the pile, she saw a pair of feet directly in front of her.

* * *

Ignoring the immense drama that tends to follow such impressive and generally staged entrances like these, Sakura's eyes shot upwards to see who it was that was watching her. The glare from the sunlight seemed to create a halo of pure white light around the unknown person's short, choppy maroon hair, before said person wordlessly reached out a hand as a clear invitation to help Sakura up from her current residence on the not so clean floor.

Pausing for a moment as she assessed the situation, she realised that her knees were beginning to protest quite painfully at their prolonged contact with the cold, hard ground and that, from that height, this strange newcomer could probably see straight down her slightly loose top. She grasped the hand that had been offered to her and found it warm and strong as it gripped her own firmly and lifted her easily to her feet.

Realising how close she was to the person now and blushing slightly, Sakura glanced up again, able to see clearly in the absence of the blinding sunlight who it was, only to let out a small gasp as she backed away too quickly and tripped on her belongings. As she hit the ground with a thud she stared back up at the stranger's face and wondered what he would do this time, remembering with a certain amount of unease the strange happenings of their last encounter.

As she stared at him though, and he stared back, her fear began to ebb as she saw the nearly hidden mixture of disdain (that she suspected was always on his face, much like Sasuke), and curiosity spread across his features. They continued to stare at each other before he gave an almost imperceptible shrug, as if more to himself than her, and walked away.

Completely mystified at all that had just happened and the mysterious stranger's once again odd behaviour, Sakura remembered with a jolt that she was now extremely late, and resuming her muttering of swear words, she grabbed the last of her belongings and threw them back in her locker before running off… and running back to grab the forgotten textbooks now once again at the bottom of her locker and, narrowly avoiding a repeat of what had happened minutes before, she slammed her locker and ran off again.

* * *

Her worry at what her teachers reaction would be when she arrived so late to class was quelled the instant she entered the classroom and found an empty chair behind the teacher's desk. Walking around the noisy classroom, full of distracted students who were taking advantage of their teachers absence by having loud conversations and paper plane contests, Sakura eventually made it to her desk (having narrowly avoided a collision with an oncoming paper plane and having to take the long way round the room to avoid the 'runway'), and flopped, unceremoniously down into her chair with a sigh.

Closing her eyes and considering everything that had happened, not just today but also analyzing in more depth what had happened yesterday between her and the mystery man, she rocked backwards onto the two back legs of her chair, deep in thought and ignoring with surprising ease, the winner of the paper plane competition.

She heard the nearby scraping of a chair and opened her eyes to find Sasuke sitting in his seat which was pulled surprisingly close to her own. She blinked out of shock, mostly at being interrupted in the middle of her thoughts, and said blankly,

'What?'

She didn't mean it to sound rude, and in truth it came out sounding completely void of any emotion at all, if anything polite, but Sasuke couldn't hide the complete shock that leapt to his face at her words… or word.

Staring at her, dumbfounded and lost for words, it took him quite a while to rearrange his features to look a little less stunned and, after what looked like a painful shift in his facial features he managed to look politely curious instead as he asked,

'Nothing, you were just really late, what happened?'

He mentally sighed in relief that he had been able to speak as blankly as she had, because, had he not mastered that fine art of voice control it may well have ended up coming out as an over exaggerated, barked order or a stammering mess.

'Oh, I just… had stuff to do first.' Said Sakura, completely unable to come up with a better explanation and not particularly caring.

She seemed unable to recover her normal composure as she continued to look at him with that complete emotionlessness that scared him more than he let on. _She really is over me then… and it's worse than I thought, she's so… emotionless… where has the bubbly, over enthusiastic, head-over-heels Sakura gone? She's completely blank… this isn't like her at all… think about it, if I had ever said that much to her, _and thinking back, Sasuke couldn't remember a time when he had, _she would have been jumping up and down and gibbering, but she's just… empty… how long has she been like this?!_

Sasuke wracked his brains trying to think of the exact point in time when she had changed. Sakura of course had just been deep in thought which was why she seemed unfeeling… she wasn't concentrating.

She continued to sit there and look blankly at Sasuke's unfocused eyes as hers slid out of focus as well, both of them staring straight through each other and too deep in thought to notice.

Jarring them both back to reality and making them jump was Naruto's louder than loud voice as he yelled,

'I did it! I won! Believe it!' and still brandishing his winning paper plane in the air, he began a victory lap around the classroom as everyone else in the class grumbled. He only stopped when Shikamaru hit him exceptionally hard on the head with his textbook, muttering indistinctly, no doubt about how 'troublesome' he was.

* * *

Sakura and Sasuke both snapped out of their stupors and Sasuke quickly turned his chair back to his own desk as Sakura just looked down at her own, her eyes quickly falling back out of focus again. Not long after Naruto had fallen into his own chair on the other side of Sakura did the door burst open and Kakashi waltzed nonchalantly into the room, not even bothering to lift his head from his book.

'Hey' he said as he walked straight to the desk, sat down, and continued reading without another word.

Naruto, who had stood and had been on the verge of saying 'Liar!' found that he didn't need to and sat back down, at a loss as to what to do next.

Eventually Kakashi looked up from his book and with 15 minutes left in the lesson, he said,

'Sorry, I was up to a really good bit. Ok everyone, um… just continue with whatever it was you were doing.' And with that he sat back down.

The class stared at him incredulously for a moment and then resumed their previous conversations and competitions (in which Naruto, and this time, Sasuke joined in), whilst Sakura sat and continued to stare at her desk thinking about the stranger and coming up with different possibilities as to who he could be, while her arm throbbed every so often.

* * *

15 minutes later the overly loud screeching of the school bell rang through the classroom and everybody's heads, as they proceeded to their next class. Staying behind under the pretense of packing her bag, Sakura waited for everyone to leave, but Sasuke who wanted to see why, decided to do the same and took longer than usual to pack his own bag.

After a few minutes he looked up at Kakashi who was still there, watching them both with an air of complete amusement. He looked at Sasuke pointedly and said,

'Is there something you needed Sasuke?'

Unsure and slightly infuriated as to why he was being asked and Sakura wasn't, Sasuke mumbled a 'no' and left, evidently having finished packing his bag at exactly that moment. As soon as the door was shut Sakura laughed and Kakashi smiled.

After a moment, Sakura said,

'So why were you so late?' Realising her question and the amount of times she had asked him that in the past, she quickly said 'never mind, but, why didn't you get us to do any work? You didn't even give us homework.'

After a moment Kakashi said, still smiling,

'Well, I thought you might have enough on your plate at the moment, and I didn't think that the rest of the class would complain much.'

Looking around at the mess of paper planes people had left behind and already losing the weak grip she had on her distracted mind as it went back to thinking about the stranger, Sakura smiled mumbling,

'No, spose not'

* * *

ok, so thats chapter 10 :) (ok, dont ask about the paper planes, i just tried to think of what my class used to do when we had nothing else to do and that was it... :) --- what did u think?! let me know :) -- wow, double digits already... and no signs of slowing down (this may become quite a long fic... is that a good thing or a bad thing though?) -- oh, and how do you like my 'mysterious stranger'? hehe :)

thanx 4 reading:)


	11. Painful Questions

_hehe updating 3 times in the same week... now im really scaring myself lol_

_thankyou as always to all people who review, u guys are seriously the best :) : Babybugichoo95, yukibozu, torakama, Merridaine, starlit.kiss7, you.broke.a.promise, Gothic Saku-chan, cutegerbilofdeath, PiratexNinja, Archerelf, angstar54, Aiyo Rei, Kotone111, soojinyeh, Queen-Cocaine and TellerOfLies, Archerelf, amy14, yukibozu, Queen-Cocaine, ScreamxforxmexBaby, .Wax.Butterflies, SnowySaku, Icha Icha Ramen (whose stories i am reading at the moment which rock!!!) and definitely dailyangel (whose strories always rock :) -- oh, and everyone who has alerted and favourited this story, ur so sweet thankyou!!!!_

_wanted to point out again that i deleted my survey which was chapter 7 so you may want to make sure uve read chapter 10 before continuing because i have updated twice but it would have appeared that i added chapter 10 twice which i didnt... ok that made no sense lol, just make sure uve read chapter 10 first k? - otherwise this chapter may not make sense XD_

_ok, unless ive forgotten anything, which i most likely have, onwards... :)_

**

* * *

**

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 11: Painful Questions

The week went quite quickly, or so Sakura thought on Friday afternoon as she lay with her head resting against the trunk of a large tree in her little clearing at the Team 7 training grounds.

While Sasuke and Naruto were off playing their usual game of, 'I'm better than you', Sakura was quite content to lie in the softly dappled light of the afternoon sun as it filtered through the leaves high above her head.

As she tried not to doze off, Sakura thought about how nice it was to not have to train. She was, of course, supposed to be training at the moment, but with Kakashi showing up so unusually at every training day since their little talk at the beginning of the week, she had been doing more than usual and thought that maybe she had earned a break.

_Obviously not though _she thought as a kunai flew within an inch of her head.

Jumping to her feet, Sakura looked up to see Kakashi high above her on the branch underneath which she had just been lounging. Grabbing her own kunai she threw it up at him which, of course he dodged. She had been expecting this and, summoning the chakra to the soles of her feet, she ran up the tree doing a clone jutsu on the way.

As several Sakuras appeared around Kakashi and held him, she grabbed a second kunai and thrust it directly into his chest, knowing that it was a log of wood.

'Bloody substitutions' she muttered as a kunai thrown from the ground passed so close to her ear that she could hear the whistle of the wind on the metal as it flew past.

Jumping down from the branch and landing with all the agility of a cat, Sakura flew at Kakashi and, pushing chakra into her fists, began her useless attempts of trying to pummel him. As he dodged each blow and she exhausted herself, she felt pain in her arm and hid her grimace. It had been happening at every training session since the day she told Kakashi everything.

Every time she overextended her arm, pain shot through it.

She knew that something must have changed since then, because even with the cuts covering her arm, she used to be able to fight and would only feel twinges. Now it felt like every time she used her arm at all, it was being stabbed with tiny knives. As she got more tired of trying to punch and kick Kakashi and him not even noticing her futile attempts to hurt him, she saw something in a tree branch out of the corner of her eye and stopped for a second, as she thought that Kakashi had done another substitution jutsu and that she was possibly fighting another log.

* * *

Noticing that she had stopped, Kakashi looked over the top of his book at her, puzzled.

'What's wrong' he asked.

'You weren't doing that?' Sakura said as she turned to look at him.

'Doing what?'

'Nothing, I guess' she mumbled as she turned back and began punching thin air in front of him again as though nothing had happened, and he continued to dodge as flawlessly as ever.

_Left, right, left, right _her inner monologue went as she soon got sick of trying to land punches while he dodged and weaved his way around the clearing with her in tow. It was like some kind of strange dance as they circled the trees around them, both moving fluidly as he twirled and twisted and she punched.

A few more minutes had passed and all thoughts of out-of-eyesight movements had disappeared as Sakura continued to try to land a punch. Just as she thought she might be ready to give up out of exhaustion and she threw what was left of her chakra with her fist at Kakashi, she felt a white-hot pain burst through her arm as though tiny knives where fighting their way out of her flesh.

* * *

Gasping, she dropped her arm and grabbed it tightly with her other hand, trying to stop the agony that was shooting through her and piercing her arm repeatedly, making her see stars. Dropping to her knees she vaguely saw through her watery eyes Kakashi put away his book and drop to the ground beside her. Placing an arm on her back, she barely heard him through the haze of pain saying,

'Sakura, whats wrong, what is it?'

Unable to concentrate long enough to answer, she felt Kakashi gingerly touch the arm that she was holding onto so tightly and she released her own grip on it a bit. It might have been her imagination or the sheer pain she was feeling that made her hallucinate, but she could almost feel something trying to get through her skin… from the inside.

_It's definitely painful enough to be _she thought, but just as quickly as the all-consuming pain had come, it suddenly stopped. Slumping against Kakashi, Sakura panted, suddenly out of breath as she realised she had been holding it the entire time. Wiping her eyes and looking down at her now throbbing but much less painful arm, she could only see the large white mark of her own handprint where she had been gripping her arm so tightly.

Touching the cuts and scars on her arm, she felt jolts of pain as though she was really pressing knives into it instead of lightly brushing it with her fingertips, so she contented herself to just leave her arm resting gently on her lap, as though giving it time to recover.

Eventually she sat back on her knees and looked up at Kakashi. Seeing his worried face she quickly stammered,

'I, I haven't done it again, I promise, I don't know why my arm was hurting, really I haven't…'

He looked even more worried now, and also annoyed which made her cringe inwardly and look down, almost expecting to be slapped and mentally preparing herself to be hit.

Seeing the fear that suddenly consumed her face when she had looked at him again and the obvious signs that she was steeling herself for a strike, Kakashi could have hit himself for letting his self-annoyance show on his face. _Dammit…, I should've said something, now she thinks im annoyed at her… I should never have made her feel like I was judging her in the first place…_

Quickly erasing all traces of annoyance from his face, Kakashi continued to look down at her soft pink head as he saw tear tracks glinting on her cheeks. Smiling, although still worried, Kakashi said quietly,

'I believe you, I didn't think for an instant that you had done it again, you're too strong.' She dissolved into tears at his words and the obvious understanding behind them, as he hugged her while she desperately fought her own thoughts. _It was so painful and I don't know what caused it but… it just makes me want to do it again! How can I even think that?_

* * *

After a few moments, she brushed the intrusive thoughts out of her mind and he pulled back but still held her shoulder,

'So what did cause the pain in you arm anyway?'

Looking down at her arm, she was just as puzzled as Kakashi.

'I have no idea, it's never done that before.'

'Yes it has,' As Sakura looked up at Kakashi, mildly shocked at the idea that he knew her body better than she did, he said, 'throughout training all week you've been wincing every time you punch, especially when you landed any, that's why I stopped letting you.'

As Sakura raised her eyebrows, he laughed and said,

'I do notice these things you know, im not blind… although you do a very good job at covering it up.' He added kindly as she looked slightly crestfallen at her acting abilities.

A voice broke the brief ensuing silence when Naruto strode into the clearing, saying as loudly as possible but not strictly speaking as necessary,

'I got him again, believe it!' He paused when he saw Kakashi and Sakura both kneeling on the ground. Kakashi's hand fell from her shoulder unnoticed by the blonde ninja as he stood and said,

'Well done Naruto, though does this mean you expect ramen?'

'What happened?' Naruto said, amazingly ignoring the prospect of ramen… or at the very least pushing it to the back of his mind for the moment.

'Is Sakura hurt?' he added when he looked closer and saw her holding her arm. Quickly covering it with her sleeve in a practiced movement she stood, slightly shaky, and said with a laugh,

'Course not, I'm fine, I just tripped over.'

Looking at her doubtfully, Naruto turned when he heard Sasuke approaching from behind,

'…and next time you do that, I'll kick your…' he trailed off when he saw Kakashi, Sakura and Naruto and felt the slight nervous energy between them that made the air feel almost prickly with tension. Instantly annoyed at being left out once again (but of course not showing it) he noticed the slight dusting of dirt on Sakura's legs and, even though they all expected to get at least a little dirty whilst training, it looked as though she had been on the ground, and now that he looked closer, her knees were trembling slightly too.

Looking up into her face he noticed the distinct lack of colour in her cheeks and her slightly shallow breathing, even though it was obvious that Naruto had already been talking to them for awhile… long enough to have gotten her breath back and to be breathing normally again at any rate.

Naruto broke the heavy silence by punching Sasuke lightly in the arm,

'What were you saying teme? What will you do next time I beat you?'

'It wasn't that you beat me, because you didn't… it was how!'

'You don't like being upside-down then?'

They continued to argue whilst Sakura, her knees still shaking despite her efforts keep them steady, took the few moments while they were distracted to put a hand onto Kakashi's arm for support which he gladly offered. After a few moments of loud shouts filling the clearing, Sakura took her arm away from Kakashi's and tried standing on her own, although he left his arm slightly at an angle in case she needed to grab it again.

After a moment of standing and having caught her breath properly she smiled at Kakashi and silently mouthed 'thank you' before calling to the clearing in general,

'Well, I'm off, time for a nice long bath, see you all tomorrow for lunch, Ichiraku's right?' and without an answer she had turned on her heel and was walking back through the forest, disappearing from view amongst the trees.

* * *

okie dokie, chapter 11 down... and first fight scene ive done in a while... what did you think? like or hate? undecided or couldnt give a crap? let me know :) -- still sick too (its just a flu or whatever but its making me seriously miserable T.T) - and also unbelievably behind with homework so i may take a little longer with the next chapter but ill try not to... :)

hope u liked it and thx for reading:)


	12. Painful Memories

_hello all, firstly, im sorry bout the lateness... again lol... blame homework and general crappiness :D_

_secondly thanx to those who review, favourite and story alert this fic (im in a rush so im sorry i cant list them, i'll do it next chapter... sorry people)_

_thridly, this chapter is for daily and her group seven hehe, just because even when i absolutely hate this fic and my writing, she doesnt (or at least she doesnt tell me about it lol) and because you are all awesome and i hope you know it :) (and such a huge thankyou for all the support and help too, u really do rock :)_

_anyway, thx for reading and hope u like this chapter :)_

* * *

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 12: Painful Memories

Sakura rolled over and felt her legs bound together. Struggling for a second, the panic quickly rising in her chest, she squinted her eyes open, moaning against the intrusive rays of the bright morning sun, as she realised it was her blankets that had wrapped themselves around her legs throughout her tossing and turning in the night.

Sighing as she struggled to extricate her legs from the heap of tangled fabric, Sakura rolled off the bed and fell with a soft _thump _onto the floor. Moaning, she glanced at the calendar and remembered that it was Saturday and that she was meeting everyone for lunch, before she made her way to the bathroom and the sound of taps could be heard throughout the house.

Stepping out of the shower 30 minutes later, her long, pink hair dripping, she stood still for a second as she heard her phone ring. Quickly wrapping her towel around herself, she opened the bathroom door and, as she made her way to the phone she swore to beat the crap out of Naruto for not having fixed her door yet.

'I'll teach him… no privacy… half-naked!… little perv…'

_Click_

'Hello, Sakura speaking…'

'Hello, Sakura Haruno? Yes, this is Yura from the sunagakure ANBU squad, I am calling to inform you that we sighted Haruno-san on the outskirts of Suna last week and have deployed teams to ensure his immediate capture.'

'Haruno-san… my father?!'

'Yes that's right'

'I thought… I mean, I was told he was dead' Sakura stuttered, at a loss as to what to say or how to react and trying hard not to scream as she felt the panic constricting her throat like a giant hand.

'On the papers I have here, apparently no body was ever found… it was always a possibility no matter how small that he may have survived…… Miss Haruno?'

Sakura was finding it hard to breathe as the invisible hand on her throat tightened.

'Yes, yes I'm here…'

'Well, I just called to update you on the developments and inform you of the situation, we will let you know when he has been captured.'

'Wait! Um, why are you trying to capture him?' Sakura asked weakly.

'Well, when he disappeared a year ago it was because his team had been attacked by Akatsuki. We now suspect because of his survival that he may be a part of Akatsuki and is therefore being treated as a criminal wanted for questioning. At this point in time that is all I can tell you. Have a nice day.'

_Click_

* * *

The phone fell to the floor, thudding on the carpet as Sakura's fingers seemed unable to support the small amount of weight. Trembling slightly, she took a deep, shaky breathe and wrapped her arms around her toweled body, holding onto herself for dear life as the torrent of thoughts flooding her mind threatened to wash her away.

_How can he be back…Akatsuki… what will mum say… what does he want… why's he back now… will he come here…?_

Shuddering at the thought of seeing him again she walked absently to her bedroom and threw herself down on her bed, face upwards as she stared at the ceiling, not really seeing it. _Will he come here? _She asked herself again as she felt like there was a deep, black hole in her chest, sucking everything she was into it.

_What he said… the last thing he told me… _memories of her father standing over her, expressing his 'love' with his fist filled Sakura's head, rushing through her mind and making her feel dizzy.

_He even said, just before he left that when he got back he wanted me to _want_ to be with him… for me to try harder…_

She didn't want to see him again.

There had been a time when she wasn't sure if she wanted to see him again or not, but she was sure now that part of that uncertainty would have been attributed to fear. Fear of him. Fear of that person, that one person who was always supposed to protect her. Who left frequently on missions to protect the rest of Konoha. But what that guy… what was his name… Yura… what he had said called her father's intentions into question too, maybe he wasn't protecting Konoha after all… not if he was working for the Akatsuki…

Pushing those thoughts from her mind for the moment, Sakura knew that no matter how hard life was at the moment, it was a lot worse when he had been a part of it. No matter how much she hurt herself, she knew it was nothing compared to what he had done… what he might do again.

Shuddering again, she closed her eyes trying to block out all of her thoughts and only seeing an imprint of his face on the backs of her closed eyelids. As the bright sunshine, unwavering despite her inner turmoil, brought with it a soft light breeze that blew through her open door, she was slowly enticed into sleep and ghostly dreams of him, and the fear he brought in his wake.

* * *

_A resounding slap echoed around the house as hand landed across cheek, leaving a white handprint where it had made contact. Gasping I looked up at him towering before me. It was the first time he ever slapped me. Usually it was mum who bore the brunt of his rage as I huddled in the corner, my knees close to my chest, hands covering my head and my pink hair falling in my face, obscuring it from view... the ultimate sign of my weakness. _

_But this time it was different. This was the first time she had been on a mission and he hadn't. He came home and I could smell the alcohol as soon as he walked in the door. His eyes were unfocused and I wasn't sure if it was because he was too drunk or too angry to see straight. He walked right towards me._

'_Where is she?' he had said, his voice dripping with derision and disgust at the sight of me. Knowing he meant mum but not knowing how to tell him she wasn't there, I stayed silent as I panicked._

'_Where. Is. She.' He said slower, punctuating each point by taking a step forward, cornering me._

'_I… she's… she's not… she's on a mission…' I wavered, knowing that however I said it he would disapprove. He would blame me._

_I was right._

_He snorted, the contempt etched in every line on his face. _

'_Well, you'll just have to do then, wont you?' he said as he brought his hand high. I watched the almost graceful arc his arm made as his hand grew closer to my face, as if in slow motion. I didn't hear the sound, or feel the pain until a few seconds afterwards. I was too shocked. He snorted his derision and kicked me forcefully in the stomach, winding me and sending me flying into the wall behind me with a thud, causing me to crumple in the darkened corner of the room._

_Snorting again he walked right up to me while I lay there, feeling completely and utterly helpless. Looking down on me for a second he spat and muttered,_

'_Not as fun.' And walked away, heading to the lounge room where the murmur of the television grew louder and the sound of his form falling onto the sofa could be heard. _

_Lying in the near darkness, hurting all over, I promised myself I would never be this weak again. _

_That night repeated itself often over the next few months but I was slowly becoming stronger, able to lessen the effects of his blows… even if my mother didn't approve… I decided…I will get stronger… that's why I became a shinobi._

* * *

Sakura's body shook as she lay face up on her bed wearing nothing but a towel and crying softly in her sleep, her hands closed into fists around the blankets underneath her. She didn't hear her door creak open because, of course, she had no door. Soft foot steps fell as they approached her room and from the doorway, sympathetic blue eyes fell on the shivering, shaking form of his teammate.

Walking into her room as quietly as he could, Naruto took a blanket that had been strewn across the floor and draped it over her lightly. Sitting down in the chair that sat at her desk, he watched her for a moment as the blanket warmed her body and she began to relax a bit, her trembling lessening by the minute. Eventually, when she seemed calm enough to wake up without getting his head pounded in, Naruto moved to the side of her bed and lightly grasped her shoulder.

Her eyes burst open as she shrank away from his hand in fear, remnants of her nightmare mixing with reality. Seeing who it was, she relaxed visibly and let out a shaky breath.

'Are you ok? I just came by to see why you weren't at lunch and found you asleep, looked like you were having a bad dream.'

Sakura smiled unsteadily and said,

'Yeah, must've eaten chocolate before bed or something.'

Still uncertain and not believing her false bravado for a second, Naruto kept his hand on her shoulder and when Sakura looked up into his eyes she saw more kindness and worry there than she had ever seen from anyone. Extricating herself from her blankets for the second time that day, Sakura stood and hugged Naruto.

This both reassured and scared Naruto more than anything she had done up until now, as he hugged her back thinking how unlike Sakura this was. His small blush obscured by his fear at the state she was in and her behaviour, he could feel her still trembling in his arms. Breaking apart, Naruto looked at Sakura and saw that she looked, at least a little calmer and more relaxed than she had before. Happy that he had been able to help in some way, he smiled at her and she smiled back for a second too before her face fell with remarkable speed into a scowl and she began hitting him over the head.

'Ow… what was, ow! What was that for?!'

He sputtered as she chased him around her bedroom.

'You're in my bedroom AGAIN, and you still haven't fixed my freaking door!'

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry!' He yelled as he ran out her front door, knowing she couldn't follow because of her…attire.

Just beyond reach, Naruto's fit of laughter incensed Sakura as she waved her fist at him before stomping back to her bedroom, throwing her door shut with strength that threatened to tear that one off its hinges as well.

Quickly throwing on the first pieces of clothing she could find, she ran outside and up the road that Naruto had disappeared from seconds ago, to continue his beating.

* * *

okie dokey... chapter 12 done... really must make these chapters bigger... and now the storys getting interesting... sorta haha, what do you think people? please please please review, even just a word or two would be fine so that i have an idea of how many people care if i continue to write it or not

thankyou for reading :)


	13. Her Antiseptic

_hello_ _peoples :) -- late update again... very late, whoops, sorry:)_

_big massive thank yous to Aiyo Rei, dailyangel, Gothic Saku-chan, xteenuh102593, Starlight - Wild Koneko and angstar54 for wanting me to continue, even if there was only one who wanted me to keep going i think i would so thankyou all of you for being so kind and sticking with the story -hugs u all :)-_

_also this is the biggest chapter ive done so far... mostly because it was one of those chapters that cant be broken up... either that or im just too lazy to break it up lol, so u can have it all :) -- also, sasusaku fans may like this chapter... let me know if u dont cos i'd obviously be doing something very wrong :)_

_anyway onwards :)_

* * *

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 13: Her Antiseptic

Sakura's bare feet pounded on the rough road, tears she told herself weren't there streamed down her face before she hurriedly wiped them away, only to have more tears replace them seconds later.

She had lost track of Naruto ten minutes ago. After beating him over the head a few times he had sped up and she had lost him… barely.

But she continued to run because she found that while she ran, she could distract herself and delude herself a little longer into believing that her father hadn't resurfaced after all.

She couldn't stop the voice in her head that screamed her weaknesses though, as she realised that if anyone saw her now she would be thought of as even more pathetic than she knew they already did.

Stopping for a second to catch her breath she realised just how much of a mess she must look in her ruffled, dirty clothing, bare feet and tear stained face.

She decided to head to the team seven training grounds and the river that ran nearby to clean herself up a bit before realising that she was closer than she thought and must have been heading there subconsciously anyway.

Absently wondering about why she found the training grounds so comforting, her feet continued taking her there while she stumbled up the road looking completely dazed and unaware of her surrounding, actually quite glad of the short respite her mind had granted her with different thoughts.

* * *

Leaning over the slowly running water of the river and looking into the shallow depths on the edge where schools of tadpoles swam lazily, only to scatter quicker than her eyes could follow moments later, Sakura felt suddenly peaceful and calm.

Taking a deep breath, Sakura sat down at the edge of the river and moved her legs around underneath her so that they were immersed up to her knees in the river, the current softly brushing at her now very sore and bloodied feet.

Looking down at the sudden stinging in her feet with some surprise, she saw for the first time just how bad they were. While she was chasing Naruto she had been too preoccupied to notice her bare feet getting torn up by the twigs and cobblestones and afterwards she had been too upset, so it wasn't until now that she saw that the bottoms of her feet were nearly black from dirt and that blood streamed from several places.

Gingerly pressing her fingers to a particularly nasty looking cut that run from her heel to the underside of her foot, she winced as a spike of pain ran up her leg like electricity. Marveling that such a simple touch had caused so much pain when she had been running on it moments ago and guiltily taking a small amount of pleasure in it, Sakura gathered some of the clear water in front of her in her cupped hands and poured it slowly onto the cut before rubbing it lightly to get the blood off, smiling through the pain.

After repeating the process a few times, the cut now appeared as a long red gash with the skin surrounding it a deep bruised purple from the irritation. Placing it back into the water with her other foot and leaning back so that she looked directly up at the sky as her foot was washed with waves of cool water and now dimming waves of pain, Sakura watched the clouds meander slowly across the sky.

Seeing the white puffs of air float carelessly across the blue nothingness above her, she momentarily forgot her problems, the calming sight extinguishing all thought and slowly causing her to slip into a light doze, dreams overtaking her as the water played around her toes.

* * *

_All of the lights were off, a fact clearly visible from outside her house, and upon opening the door a long ominous creak echoed throughout the pitch black rooms. Having never seen her house so dark and unwelcoming made Sakura feel extremely uneasy. Wondering why her feelings of panic and fear were so strong, she took a few steps into the house and fumbled against the wall for the light switch. _

_Eventually finding it and letting out an audible sigh of relief, she flicked it on and was confronted with a sight that made her scream. Blood was spattered against one of the walls and a tall figure stood threateningly over another more crumpled figure that was lying, unmoving on the floor._

_At the sound of her scream, the taller figure shifted and moved towards her with frightening speed as she backed away in fear and found her back up against the wall. Looking up into the face of her father she whimpered as he let out a low growl and raised the knife he had previously used on the now lifeless form of her mother. She screamed again, knowing that she would never be able to dodge the likely fatal blow and that her mother could very well already be dead._

_Instinctively raising her arms to shield her face, shaking with terror, her fear was getting the better of her… she felt like she couldn't breathe… she saw only black and felt as if cool smothering hands were gripped suffocatingly over not only her mouth but her whole body… even her present situation, her mother and father, the knife, all faded to nothingness…_

* * *

Moaning slightly, Sakura woke to the unpleasant feeling of being in shadow and dripping, soaked in freezing cold water. Shivering uncontrollably, she opened her eyes which took quite an effort for some reason, and looked up blearily, her eyes unfocused no matter how many times she blinked.

She realised she was lying down and tried to sit up but both a hand on her shoulder and a sudden bout of dizziness pushed her back down as she panted, out of breath and with no idea why. Her vision slowly coming into focus, Sakura looked up again and saw, even with her still slightly blurry eyes, what was unmistakably an Uchiha looking down at her.

Her reaction was slow but when she finally realised it was Sasuke, her position on the ground and the state she was in (and eventually managed to put it all together in her slow, waterlogged mind), she sat up quickly again, her lightheadedness returning in a rush that made her feel nauseous.

He put his hand on her shoulder with a sigh to push her back down again and even though she fought it this time, he firmly pushed until she complied and put her head back on the ground.

Looking up at Sasuke, Sakura was quiet for a moment, feeling like she had lost the ability to speak. In those minute while she slowly regained her energy, she noticed how a very subtle and almost unnoticeable mixture of remaining worry and relief was spread across the Uchiha's pale face.

After a few moments when Sakura felt she might be able to speak, she said the first thing that came to mind,

'What h-happened' she said through chattering teeth while her whole body trembled violently from what she guessed was the cold air brushing her wet skin.

Looking down at her with a very slight look of incredulity on his face, he said,

'You were in the river so I pulled you out.'

As Sakura fought hard against the impulse to roll her eyes, her mind slowed down a fraction from the mile-a-minute speed it had been going as she stopped to think, _'Well that didn't tell me anything, I think I could've figured that out by myself'_, knowing she would have to pressure any valuable information out of Sasuke.

'Why was I in the water? And how did you know I was in the water? Where is the water?!' She said, vocalizing each thought as it came to her and realising they weren't by the river anymore.

'Well I don't know why you were in the water, seems pretty stupid to go for a swim with all of your clothes on… I saw that you were in the water when I went to get a drink after I finished training, and the river is over there.' He said, pointing to their right and as Sakura listened she realised that from where she was, she could still hear the distant sounds of running water.

Marveling that she, Sakura Haruno, was possibly the first to witness such a long sentence from the Uchiha, she replayed what he had said in her still fuzzy mind and realised that even after all that, she still had no idea what had really happened. Actually rolling her eyes this time she tried to remember what she had been doing before she had woken up drenched and freezing.

As she remembered chasing Naruto and washing her feet in the river, the memory of the dream came back to her in a rush and her eyes went wide as she tried not to scream at what she had seen in her sleep.

Noticing her slight agitation turn into wide-eyed fear, Sasuke immediately grew worried again, reminiscent of how he had felt when he first saw her in the water…

-Flashback-

_Tired but satisfied with his training, Sasuke walked slowly to the river to get a drink before he would go back and continue until nightfall. As he neared the edge of the river and the sound of rushing water filled his ears, his eye was caught by something bobbing a little further down stream… something pink._

_Panic rose quickly in his chest as he instantly recognized that particular colour and waded out into the freezing water until it got so deep that he was forced to swim. Battling the light currents that tried to brush him onto the riverbank one moment and into deeper water the next, he eventually reached the unconscious and now completely submerged kunoichi after what seemed to him like hours but was only a few minutes. _

_Either amount of time felt like far too long to the panicking Uchiha as he pulled Sakura out of the water so that she would be able to breathe and slowly pulled her through the currents until he reached the shallower water and was able to wade. _

_Lifting her up out of the water, her head leant against his chest as he cradled her violently shivering form in his arms, relief washing over him when he saw her chest rising and falling, almost unnoticeably, but it was there… she was breathing._

_Finally making it back to dry ground again, Sasuke carried her away from the river and into the middle of the training grounds to where he left his backpack. Laying her down on the ground gently, he looked at her pale face and saw that her breathing was already less erratic than it had been before. _

_Sighing gratefully and lowering himself onto his knees, he looked at her again, noticing for the first time how her long eyelashes brushed the delicate skin on her cheeks, before also noticing how incredibly pale those cheeks were and how blue her lips looked. As he continued to stare at her, he almost jumped a few minutes later when her eyelashes started fluttering, signaling that she was finally waking up._

-End Flashback-

Re-living it all again, he thought,_' I cant believe she nearly drowned… she was already completely under when I got there, it's a miracle she was still breathing, but she's safe now, surely she shouldn't be so scared when she's safe… why was she in the water though?'_

As Sasuke sat deep in his thoughts, Sakura pushed herself onto her elbows finally getting over the fear of her dream enough to sit up as well, Sasuke being too distracted to push her down again. Sakura was deep in thought herself, _'That dream… it was just so real… it wasn't though, what I saw… that's never happened before and it never will… I mean it couldn't… could it?...' _but she found it hard to ignore the little voice in her head that told her that if her father came back, she might well have seen the result.

* * *

Both deep in thought, it took Sasuke a while to realise that both he and Sakura were dripping wet, shivering and sitting, staring into space, too deep in their own thoughts to notice.

Looking at Sakura, her bowed head hidden behind curtains of her still wet, pink hair, he asked the question that had been bothering him.

'Sakura, why were you in the water?'

Startled slightly out of her thoughts by Sasuke's sudden question, Sakura looked up at him, her hair falling back so that he could see her face clearly. He could see the remnants of fear in her eyes from the dream that he didn't know about, the still pale cheeks and slight blue-ness in her lips and when they slowly parted to speak as Sakura chose her words carefully, he could hear the fear and indecision in her voice.

'I honestly don't know why I was in the water, I just sort of feel asleep next to the river after I finished cleaning my feet and woke up here, that's all I can remember.'

Sasuke raised an eyebrow and just said,

'Feet?'

'What? Oh yeah, I cut my foot when I was chasing Naruto,' seeing Sasuke raise his eyebrow slightly higher, she said, 'Naruto still hasn't fixed my door and I was chasing him to beat the crap out of him for it, but I lost him and…' remembering the reason why she had continued running and had eventually ended up at the river, she struggled with trying to find an excuse due to her still slower than usual thinking and the fact that her mind kept wandering back to her dream which, oddly enough, had a lot to do with what she was now trying to cover up.

'Um, and then I decided to come here… for a drink.' She finished lamely, knowing he was now suspicious because of her useless lying skills.

Ignoring the obvious fact that Sakura was covering something up, his gaze moved down to her feet which, in her kneeling position were poking out behind her, and as she twisted around and looked down too, she could see a small trickle of blood sliding lazily down her foot, from the gash on her heel. Trying to ignore the sight of blood that was never truly unwelcome to her, she looked back up to Sasuke with a blank questioning look on her face, clearly not bothered by the blood covering her foot and wondering why he was.

Without a word, Sasuke stood and walked over to his pack which sat slumped against a tree a little way away from where they had been sitting. He went through one of the pockets and Sakura thought he was about to pick it up and leave as he did so often.

She was shocked when he came back with a small bottle of antiseptic and some bandages, so shocked that her jaw dropped as she gaped at him.

When he saw her reaction, he immediately knew that she had thought he was going to leave and raised his eyebrow again, slightly annoyed that after he had pulled her out of the river and saved her from drowning she still had a low enough opinion of him to think he would leave her here.

Ignoring the voice in his head that told him that, had it been Naruto, he probably would have left him there with the bandages, he opened the antiseptic and waited for Sakura to move so that he could clean and bandage her foot, as she seemed incapable of proper thought at that moment, let alone tending to any wounds.

Numbly moving until she sat on the ground and one leg was curled underneath her while, after some insistence from Sasuke, the other rested lightly in his lap, she sat in disbelief as The Sasuke Uchiha began to gently wash her foot.

As he covered his surprise at how cold her foot was and wondering if the rest of her felt this ice-cold, Sakura winced in pain as the antiseptic was poured onto the deep cut, the stinging once again shooting up her leg. As the pain dulled down a little, she became aware of Sasuke's hand holding her foot firmly as though to comfort her through the pain, not aware that she hardly minded any pain he caused her.

After a few moments of making sure her foot was completely clean to avoid infection, he lifted her foot from his lap briefly to place the bandage underneath it, before putting it back down gently to wrap the top of her foot. Repeating this several times until her foot was completely bandaged, Sakura tried to ignore the moments of pain as well as the tickling as she sat patiently, slightly relaxed by the feeling of Sasuke's hands, so gently wrapping her foot, until she realised Sasuke had finished and was now simply cradling it in his lap.

'Why were you scared before?' He asked her, still holding her foot as though to stop her from running away. Knowing what he meant but playing dumb, Sakura said,

'What do you mean, I was unconscious so I couldn't have been scared.'

'I mean after you woke up,' he said, hiding his slight exasperation at her avoidance of the issue.

'Oh, I wasn't scared, I was just… shocked… you know, at what had happened and that I hadn't noticed I was even in the water and everything… I was just really disorientated.' She finished in a rush, hoping that it would be enough to convince him.

'And you really don't know why you were in the water?'

'No, all I remember was falling asleep.' She said as she considered for the first time the fact that she could have drowned if Sasuke hadn't been there. Shuddering at the thought of what could have happened, an unbidden voice in her mind accompanied by a flash of memory of her father standing over her mother with a knife said, _'but wouldn't that have just made everything easier…'_

That single thought scared her more than anything. She didn't want to die, not at all, and she knew it wouldn't make anything easier or fix her problems, especially since she seemed so useless at the moment that she knew she would probably find some way to mess that up too.

Eyes fixed on the ground in front of her, still trembling slightly at what could have happened and the feeling of not having control over her own thoughts, she looked up in surprise when Sasuke, having felt her trembling through her foot that he still held, suddenly said,

'Are you ok Sakura?' The tone of his voice and the look on his face left her wondering whether he meant at the moment or in life as a whole. At this thought she instantly smiled one of the fakest smiles she had ever been able to achieve and said,

'Of course, I'm fine now,' still smiling, she quickly withdrew her foot from his grasp, which left him slightly disappointed (shocking himself immensely, he had to admit that he hadn't minded the way they had been sitting), and startling him further, she stood (cut foot and all) and bowed deeply to him, her hair falling in graceful curtains around her face, obscuring it from view as she said,

'Thank you very much for saving me Sasuke-kun, I'm very grateful.' And with that she straightened up, still fake smiling as she turned on her heel (_'wrong heel' _she realised as she winced to herself, realising that she had just re-opened the gash on her heel). trying not to limp, she headed home, thoroughly exhausted as she unknowingly left a very stunned, slightly annoyed and still dripping Sasuke, kneeling in a clearing on his own, still holding the antiseptic.

* * *

okie dokey... chappy 13 down... ive always found unlucky things quite lucky (whenever i walk under ladders or see black cats my day gets better) so hopefully this chapter was good luck an not bad :) -- also the title... her antiseptic... i meant it as purifier and healer (as in sasuke is her antiseptic... in a nice way lol) - not as in her sterile, bland or insipid lol... i was either gonna call it her antiseptic or drowning in dreams... i just prefer this for some reason :)

also, small poll just to see what people think and stuff firstly,

who wants to see Sakura's life get worse, and who wants to see it get better?

who do you think she should end up with (this is ultimately a sasusaku fic but im happy to add smaller relationships along the way and if theres enough protest, maybe even change the sasusaku-ness... it all depends on feedback (actually its also down to what i think i can write in but i take others thoughts seriously so what do you think???)

lastly, that little purpley-grey button down there loves u so please click it and review:D -- i'll try to update faster, but till next time, let me know what u think:)

have fun and thanks for reading :)


	14. Midnight Meetings

_im so so sorry its taken so long to update, in the past few weeks ive had a lot of ups and downs... well its been very... eventful lol... sorta... whatever, anyway i really hope that everyone hasnt lost hope completely for this story (ive been a little down about everything, especially writing) so for anyone who is still reading this fic, thankyou!!!! -gives u cookies- _

_massive thankyous to everyone who reviewed: _SnowySaku, dailyangel, Gothic Saku-chan, .Wax.Butterflies, xteenuh102593, starlit.kiss7, angstar54, wickedvampress, yukibozu _and_ XxtaintedflamexX _and everyone who has favourited or alerted this fic (or me :) - thankyou so much, its an unbelievable feeling to think that someone doesnt mind my writing and gives me a lot more confidence, thankyou!!!_

_hehe for the poll, well sasusaku it is angstar54 :) (and rightly so too :D) -- and its definitely going to get worse by the sounds of it (i think it would have done anyway but now there is quite a bit more demand for it so... poor sakura... 10 votes too (your 5 votes were added SnowySaku :) - and sorry daily (guess ur just too nice to see her go through anything else :)_

_also, this fic is dedicated to daily, because even when ive lost complete faith in myself and my writing (or dont message you for far too long, sorry! T-T) you're still an absolutely amazing friend, thankyou so much :)_

**

* * *

**

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 14: Midnight Meetings

Disappointed by the lack of a front door to slam shut behind her, Sakura stormed into her bedroom, contenting herself with slamming that door instead… twice, before throwing herself on her bed, quickly burying her face in her pillow, having finished releasing her pent up emotions.

Nearly drowning had drained her of more energy than she had originally thought and the painful walk home had done nothing to raise her spirits so, even though she knew she had been thoroughly exhausted when she left Sasuke in the clearing, she now felt completely dead.

Ten seconds later she was… completely dead to the world as she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, seeing nothing but darkness.

* * *

-

Sakura awoke to complete darkness, so black that it didn't matter whether her eyes were open or shut.

She had a brief moment of panic as she found it hard to breathe and immediately thought she was drowning again, but instead of freezing water she found that her face was covered by her soft, warm pillow.

Taking a deep breath and sitting up she looked across to her alarm clock and was immediately annoyed to see that it was 3.05 in the morning… that irritating time of the morning that made her feel like she'd had both too much and not enough sleep.

Growling slightly at the simultaneous feeling of being wide awake and yet extremely tired, she clambered off the bed and took a long coat from its hook next to her bedroom door. Shrugging it on, Sakura then went to her window and sat on the edge before swinging her feet over so that she was sitting on the outside.

She sat for a moment, able to see the full moon from her perch on the window sill.

After a few moments she lifted herself up with a sigh to a standing position before turning around to face the outside wall of her house. After scrabbling for the ledge that was located above her head and barely within her reach, her fingers found the small familiar shelf of concrete and she painstakingly hoisted herself onto the roof.

She had always found it calming after an argument with her mother or when she couldn't sleep to sit on her roof and look out over the parts of Konoha visible to her or at the moon high above her. As all of the rooftops in Konoha were relatively close together (making it possible to jump easily from one to the next), the view that was laid out before Sakura as she sat down on the edge of her own rooftop was one full of balconies, other rooftops and glimpses of the street below, barely visible through the trees.

Breathing deeply and lying back so that her legs dangled over the edge of the building and the rest of her body was set against the hard concrete, she looked up at the many pinpricks of light overhead that always made her feel so small and insignificant, but in an oddly calming way.

Closing her eyes after a while, she could see the imprint of those stars on the backs of her eyelids as her exhausted body relaxed even more.

As she began to fall asleep (not wanting to because of where she was, but finding it hard to resist the pull of unconsciousness), she heard a faint sound and slowly opened her eyes in interest.

Seeing nothing on the street below, Sakura turned her gaze upwards to scan the rooftops around her. Eventually she saw in the moonlight, a small silhouette of a person crouched on the edge of a building not too far from where she was.

Standing up and realising how close to sleep she had gotten by how much effort it took her legs to support her weight, she took a few wobbly steps before regaining a bit of her energy and jumping to the next rooftop, and then to the next, making her way to the solitary figure of a boy bathed in moonlight.

* * *

-

Sasuke had been stunned when Sakura had stood (on her wounded foot no less) and, after thanking him formally, left him in a clearing after he had saved her life.

Slightly annoyed, he had made his way home to clean up and change out of his cold, wet clothing before going to bed. Training and life-saving really took it out of him.

The next morning he got up and dressed as usual and, after doing his usual Sunday morning errands, he walked up the streets of Konoha, taking in the beautiful day it was as he slowly made his way to Ichiraku. _No need to hurry._

Upon sight Naruto had immediately given him a headache with his overly loud shout of,

'Teme!'

After hitting him upside the head, Sasuke sat calmly in his seat, silently glad that it was lunchtime as he was hungrier than he'd like to admit.

Arriving late like always (but not as late as he was when it came to training… food is a different affair altogether after all), Kakashi ordered his own ramen just like Sasuke and Naruto had moments earlier. Sitting in a row, Naruto quite noisily and at a frightening speed, Kakashi hiding each mouthful somehow and Sasuke eating normally (and compared to Naruto, quite calmly), the three of them ate their ramen.

Clearly having noticed sooner but too hungry to have mentioned anything until after at least half of his ramen had been consumed, a much less hungry and more sociable Kakashi said to no one in particular,

'I wonder where Sakura is.'

'She's probably asleep.'

Looking at Sasuke slightly startled that the boy had replied at all, let alone what he had actually said, Kakashi simply said,

'Oh? Why's that?'

Naruto, curious enough by now to have put down his ramen to watch Sasuke's strange bout of talkativeness suddenly piped up and said,

'Because that's where she was last time she was late for ramen, remember Kakashi-sensei?'

Thinking back to when they had both missed training and even to yesterday when she hadn't shown up for lunch, Kakashi nodded and didn't say anything else, but inside he was thinking about whether or not something else had happened.

After a moment he looked at Sasuke again.

'Why did you think she would be asleep Sasuke?' he asked quietly, his voice only heard by Sasuke and not carrying to Naruto as loud slurps issued from him. Kakashi hadn't expected Sasuke to know where she was, and the fact that he had spoken with certainty led Kakashi to believe that there was more to the situation then he knew.

'…'

'Sasuke?'

'She was pretty busy yesterday,'

'And how do you know that?' slight surprise slipping into Kakashi's words over Sasuke knowing about Sakura's day. He often doubted Sasuke even knew what colour her hair was, given the lack of attention he paid her.

'I just do, and if she's going to get any stronger she needs the rest.' Replied Sasuke, reverting back to his usual non-caring 'avenger' way of thinking as he focused on no one holding him back.

Well at least to Kakashi.

On the inside Sasuke had wondered where Sakura was too and, thinking about what had happened yesterday, he had concluded that she must be resting and trying to get over the exhaustion that was sure to come of nearly drowning and of her foot healing. Not to mention the fear he had seen in her eyes. Each would take a toll on her and he wouldn't have been surprised to find that she slept until tomorrow.

Having thought this, he also found that he was once again asking himself the question that had been bothering him since yesterday… _Why do I care?... she's just another fangirl, even if she is acting strange at the moment… and I have bigger things to focus on_. And he tried once again to push the thoughts of her from his mind… tried.

* * *

-

Slowly approaching the figure on the edge of the rooftop who she was now able to see in more detail, her mind raced. _Red hair…_

_I know he's the same guy from before… the one who attacked me… but he must know I'm here and he hasn't made any move to attack so maybe its ok?... and… well, he doesn't look mean or anything… just… lonely…_

Summoning her courage she said softly,

'Hi, do you mind if I sit?'

After a moment Sakura saw the maroon head in front of her move forward in a nod and she sat down on the edge next to him, not too close (just in case) but still in touching distance, she wanted to be careful but she was also curious as to who he was and why she kept running into him.

There was a long time of nothing but silence, where Sakura simply sat and watched as the mystery man next to her played with what appeared to be a small amount of sand in the palm of his hands whilst staring out into the distance.

Eventually he broke the silence and hearing his voice for the first time, Sakura decided it was one of those voices that even though she was sure it could sound quite scary and deadly in a different situation, she was calmed by it and, no matter what he actually said, it felt as though his tone reflected a general desire to help in some way. It also reflected sadness and she suspected that that too was something that didn't change with him no matter what he actually said.

Smiling softly and thinking to herself about his voice, she had to replay what he had said in her mind before she could respond.

'Why do you do it?' He had asked softly, never taking his eyes away from his sand.

Puzzled and unsure of what he was talking about, Sakura furrowed her eyebrows,

'What do you mean?'

'When I fought you in the forest, your arm…'

He trailed off but Sakura knew exactly what he was talking about. Unsure of how to answer she countered instead with a question of her own.

'Who are you?'

For the first time he turned to look at her and she saw the darkness surrounding his eyes and the sadness that dwelled in them,

'I am Gaara.'

Sakura smiled and fought the urge to say how very nice it was to meet him like her mother had always taught her to say when meeting new people. She doubted that it was suitable for this particular moment.

Instead she held out her hand and said,

'I'm Sakura.'

Slightly startled by how open she was and how she had straight away held out a hand to shake, clearly already trusting him at least a little, Gaara grasped her hand briefly in his own and though he didn't smile, the sadness in his eyes seemed to fade a little.

Smiling a bit more, Sakura went to take her hand away after he had grasped it and turn back to the view, feeling quite content to just sit… but clearly he wasn't. He didn't let go of her hand and looking back, not scared but a little surprised, she saw the slight regret in his eyes before he grasped the sleeve of her jacket and pulled it carefully up her arm.

It was as though her thinking was sluggish because by the time she realised what he was doing and what he would see, he had already seen it.

In the glow of the moon, the scarred skin on her forearm shone with a luminescence that made each scar almost sparkle as the whiter skin tissue on her already white arm reflected the moonlight.

Looking at her arm sadly, Gaara then looked up to her face and saw a few different emotions fighting for dominance on her face.

He saw disgust and knew it was directed at herself.

He saw sadness that seemed to go far deeper than usual and almost radiated from her as she tried not to let it consume her.

And he saw fear. The fear that somebody had found out, and the panic of not knowing what he would do next.

Sakura watched him as his eyes roamed over her arm, before looking back up into her eyes. She wasn't sure what to feel but when he placed a hand gently over her arm she felt the impulse to do several things at once.

She shivered slightly at the touch of warmer skin on hers, she flinched away almost unnoticeably because of the slight pain that shot through her arm at even this light touch and she felt like she wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out because she couldn't stand the thought of more people knowing… seeing what she had done. She looked down, feeling ashamed of herself and not knowing what to do, realising that she was completely vulnerable at this moment and hating it.

Like a chain reaction, he saw each emotion and felt the tremble and flinch under his hand, his eyes growing sadder again when she looked away and he saw the shame and vulnerability on her face.

'This may hurt a bit,' he began to say as her head shot up, suddenly scared again and wondering why and how she had gotten herself into this situation… _Sasuke would never get himself into this kind of mess_ she thought before thinking grimly _and that's why I'm so weak._

Quickly she tried to think of what he might do and how to escape him if she needed to. She calmed however when he spoke again.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you panic, but I need to get the sand out of your arm or its only going to cause you more pain and it could become infected.'

Looking him in the eye she relaxed noticeably as her thoughts whirled, _I cant believe I've even met him… and he attacked me before… and now he's helping me… and that I was bold enough to approach him… what was I thinking?!... I must have been half asleep… or really stupid… but he seems ok, not too bad anyway… and if it makes the pain stop then isn't it worth it…? Worth more pain to stop more pain… I must still be half asleep…_

Nodding her head, Gaara turned his body so that he was facing her a bit more and took her arm in both hands. Slightly worried about what he was actually going to do, Sakura continued to look questioningly as he silently located each grain of sand still lodged in her arm.

Because it was his sand he could locate its whereabouts and summon them. But that was the problem.

'They're deeper than I thought,' Gaara muttered to himself before looking into Sakura's eyes and saying,

'I need to summon the sand from the cuts in your arm or else they'll stay there and continue to cause you pain, but because the cuts have closed up for the most part it will hurt.'

He didn't sound like he was telling her, it sounded as though he was asking for permission, as though the fact that it may cause her pain meant that it was something he couldn't do… or didn't want to do.

Smiling slightly and sadly, Sakura looked at him intently for a moment before saying,

'I don't mind, and besides you need your sand back.'

Looking back at her for a moment, an unrecognizable emotion crossed his face before he moved to sit directly in front of her, his legs crossed beneath him and placed one of his hands directly on her arm, covering all of the cuts. Closing his eyes, he concentrated and began to extract each grain of sand from beneath her skin.

* * *

-

The burning in her arm felt incredible, as it literally felt like it was being torn apart from the inside out as the larger clumps of sand pushed against her skin. As the first few grains of sand left her arm through newly created bloody holes, the now reopened cuts they had escaped from began to bleed profusely and she screwed her eyes shut as the deeper grains and clumps moved towards the surface of her arm to make their escape as well like hot needles being jabbed into her arm repeatedly.

The pain only built as more and more cuts were reopened and the warmth of her blood coated her arm, making her shiver in the cool night air as the breeze made contact with wet skin. Feeling lightheaded she realised that almost every single cut was reopened by her struggling that day in the forest and that, by the time Gaara would have all of his sand back, every single one of the cuts she had on her arms would be open again.

After a few minutes Gaara opened his eyes slightly whilst still extracting sand, hoping to finish as quickly as he could to cause her the least amount of pain possible. Seeing her sitting with a grimace on her face and her eyes shut tight against the pain he marveled that she didn't whimper or cry out as so many others had done before.

The technique of inserting and then removing sand grain by grain from ones body was so painful that it was often used as a form of torture. He had hoped to extract the sand as quickly as possibly after the grains had unintentionally reopened and entered her cuts that day in the forest. He had tried once when she was fighting the strange silver-haired man in the same clearing a few days later. He winced at his thoughtlessness, of course it would still be painful and she had been in the middle of a fight so he had decided to leave it for the time being, despite the risks of worse pain and infection.

Looking at her now and seeing how even after nearly ten minutes of such pain and blood loss she managed not to make a sound, even as she broke out in a cold sweat and swayed slightly, he had to admit that he was very impressed. Pushing aside the question that still haunted him about the situation, he reached out with his other hand, never faltering in the extraction, to take her tightly balled up fist in a light but reassuring grasp.

* * *

-

Feeling his hand on hers made her relax her grip and, even though she didn't open her eyes (feeling as though the pain would have made her temporarily sightless anyway), she gripped his hand in return, feeling the comfort of a friendly touch through the pain.

By the time the last grain of sand had been extracted from her now swollen and blood soaked arm, Sakura was swaying dangerously.

Losing control of what happened to her body as it could no longer support itself, she felt hands on her shoulders guiding her fall sideways until she felt something soft and warm underneath her and felt her grip on consciousness finally slip out of her grasp.

As Gaara readjusted his position to make them both more comfortable, he eventually settled with his legs crossed and Sakura's tiny, crumpled looking form slumped comfortably in his lap as her breathing began to become less shallow and more regular.

Discreetly emptying the rather large amount of sand he had found in Sakura's arm into the gourd sitting beside him, he watched her sleep and softly stroked her hair a few times, watching how her breathing steadied even more.

Eventually he slowly gathered her limp frame into his arms, her head resting against his chest, as he took her in the direction he had sensed her come from earlier. As he landed on her rooftop, he looked down to see her eyelids fluttering and there was a flicker of a smile on his face as he carefully made it to her bedroom through the only open window.

Setting her down on the bed, Gaara quickly but efficiently cleaned and bandaged her arm, knowing the dressings would only need to last a few hours as she would no doubt re-do them when she woke up.

Having finished his task, he turned to leave through the window before a faint voice stopped him.

'Hey,' Sakura said softly, still half-asleep and weak from blood loss.

Gaara smiled and walked back to her bedside, taking her hand in his and giving it a small squeeze. Looking up at him with heavy eyelids and feeling completely disorientated, Sakura mumbled,

'I'll see you soon right?'

'Sooner than you think,' Gaara said nodding, 'for now just sleep.'

He went to her window again and as he climbed out he heard a faint voice.

'Thank you' before he disappeared, the ghost of a smile playing on his face.

* * *

alrighty, another chapter down and before everyone says that sucked i just wanna say i know and i know it sounded a bit random but it really will make sense soon and i tried my best with this one (i dont mind it... i guess... what do u think... let me know:) - please review, please please please?

oh, and as i seem to get more opinions if i ask specific questions, i was wondering, do you prefer longer or shorter chapters?

anyway, ill try to update faster than i did last time (as long as i do it again this month i will have so it shouldnt be too hard lol, i will try to update faster than that but with the end of the school year im not sure if i can... ill try though :) - till then, let me know what you think:)

thanx for reading :)


	15. Sooner Than You Think

_hello all :) - its been so so long, i'll try to never take thta long to update ever again... i missed writing far too much :) (not to mention the incredibly sweet reviews i get, thankyou to Riuki, -ShadowBabe-, Designed to Die, Gothic Saku-chan, angstar54, starlit.kiss7, .Wax.Butterflies., xteenuh102593, Starlight - Wild Koneko, Merridaine (whose stories are sooo awesome:), SnowySaku, Rain Chrystal (whose stories are equally awesome and who deserves much credit :) and dailyangel, (yellow daisy still suits by the way :D) - the best friend anyone could ask for, and an amazing writer whose stories everyone should go check out :) -- oh, and say hi to ur group 7 for me if they still like this fic and can stand to hear anymore of it lol :)... this chapter is for you and them :)_

_anyway, because of the fabulous reminder from Designed to Die, i'll include a quick recap form the last chapter for anyone who doesnt feel like going back and re-reading the last one... although its been so long since i updated (sorry!) that it may be easier to simply skim-read it again anyway :) -- anyway before i do that i just wanna say that ive only been writing fanfics for a few months but the amount of support and kindness on this website is amazing, and that (having turned 18 today...scary lol...) - i couldnt ask for a nicer present than all of the amazing reviews i get for every chapter and the amazing stories that so many of you manage to think up, so thankyou :)_

_anyway on with the story hey :) -- recap:_

Setting her down on the bed, Gaara quickly but efficiently cleaned and bandaged her arm, knowing the dressings would only need to last a few hours as she would no doubt re-do them when she woke up.

Having finished his task, he turned to leave through the window before a faint voice stopped him.

'Hey,' Sakura said softly, still half-asleep and weak from blood loss.

Gaara smiled and walked back to her bedside, taking her hand in his and giving it a small squeeze. Looking up at him with heavy eyelids and feeling completely disorientated, Sakura mumbled,

'I'll see you soon right?'

'Sooner than you think,' Gaara said nodding, 'for now just sleep.'

He went to her window again and as he climbed out he heard a faint voice.

'Thank you' before he disappeared, the ghost of a smile playing on his face.

_onwards and upwards!...you know what i mean lol :)_

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* * *

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**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 15: Sooner Than You Think

Sakura slowly made her return to consciousness as beams of sunlight fell lightly across her face from the open window. Opening her eyes she smiled to herself and hugged her blankets closer to her body before stretching languidly beneath them.

She felt completely relaxed and refreshed, knowing she had just had the best night sleep she'd had in weeks.

'_Or months?'_ she wondered lazily as she rolled onto her back and stared contentedly at the ceiling thinking about nothing in particular.

Bringing her arm into her field of vision she noticed that even though it twinged every so often it felt a lot better than it had yesterday. As she looked at the bandages she also remembered Gaara and the events of the previous night.

Knowing she still had a lot of unanswered questions about him, she was still happy in the knowledge that she could trust him. Last night had proved that, especially since she knew she hadn't gotten herself into bed (or even into her house) and that, had he wanted to hurt or kill her, his best opportunity had been then. He hadn't taken it.

Dismissing him as a threat, Sakura dimly remembered words before she had fallen asleep.

'_I'll see you soon right?'_

'_Sooner than you think'_

Puzzling briefly over the vague words, she then heard knocking at her door and grudgingly rolled off of her bed. It wasn't until she exited her bedroom, mid-yawn with a hand tangled in her wildly messy hair that she remembered her lack of a front door… still… and found herself looking directly at Sasuke, realising not only that the knocking had been on the outside wall beside the doorframe, but also that she was still in her pyjamas (not that she particularly cared about that because overnight missions meant that they had each seen most of each others sleepwear anyway).

She did however forget her bandaged arm and before Sasuke spoke his eyes fell on it briefly, not recalling an injured arm the last time he had seen her.

'I knew you would lose track of what day it is so I came to get you for school.' He said disinterestedly as he continued to look at her arm.

It wasn't too long ago that Sakura would have squealed in delight or blushed like crazy, doing a perfect likeness of a tomato at the thought of Sasuke walking her to school… or even thinking of her… but instead she shocked him (and somewhere in the back of her mind she realised she had shocked herself a bit), by simply looking at him, vaguely puzzled.

'But its Sunday isn't it?' She said emotionlessly doing a perfect likeness of Sasuke without realising it as she tried to remember in her slightly hazy mind if she had indeed lost a day.

Sasuke shook his head.

'Nope, Monday. After what happened Saturday and when you didn't turn up for lunch yesterday I figured you just slept through it.'

Sakura struggled to remember Saturday for a second but thoughts of the previous night eclipsed memories of nearly drowning two days ago and her mind still seemed oddly hazy, although definitely clearer than the day before when it had felt completely waterlogged.

Sasuke grew slightly concerned at her continuing puzzled expression, before she smiled, figuring she would need to anyway like she did everyday so she might as well start now.

'Well thank you so much for thinking of me Sasuke-kun.' She said cheerily, noticing how empty the words and added suffix actually sounded in her own ears now as opposed to how heartfelt it was whenever she had said it a few months ago and almost cringing at the thought.

'Hn.' was his only response and Sakura knew better than to care.

'_As if he was actually thinking of me anyway' _she thought grimly.

So what he said next startled her.

'Are you ok Sakura?'

He had his back to her already, as though it was merely an afterthought. Deciding not to take it too seriously and knowing there was little chance that he was being sincere, she simply turned as well and answered simply, knowing he probably just wanted to get away.

'Fine.'

With that she disappeared into her bedroom and closed the door behind her.

* * *

The whole conversation had left Sasuke momentarily stunned and more than slightly confused and as he waited for Sakura, multiple thoughts raced through his head in quick succession. _'Why is her arm bandaged, I wonder what happened… and she seemed really out of it… and the way she said 'Sasuke-kun' sounded so forced… has it always sounded like that?… her eyes looked almost…empty… why do I even care… she is a teammate so I have to make sure she wont slow us down… man, how could I think like that… well she said she was fine… although I couldn't see her face, I'd already turned away… of course I had, its what I do… but I shouldn't even care… she's just another fangirl who just happens to be on my team… but she seemed so vacant, I wonder if its because of Saturday… Saturday… it was like she didn't even remember it… I wonder if she really is ok… but it's none of my business, I should stay out of it…'_

As Sasuke's mind whirled with indecision, Sakura was hurriedly throwing on clothes for the day. She had finally remembered her bandaged arm and hoped that Sasuke hadn't seen it. _'Although it wouldn't matter too much if he had… he wont say anything… he doesn't care enough to bother.' _She smiled grimly at her thoughts as she realised how cynical (albeit realistic) she sounded and was slightly proud of herself for finally, after all this time, recognizing the truth that had seemed to elude her for so long… that he didn't care.

Still smiling, a fully dressed Sakura grabbed her pack and went outside to find a waiting Sasuke. Upon seeing her smiling, he decided to push aside his concerns and simply keep an eye on her. She continued to smile; knowing it would get easier and look more natural as the day wore on just like it always did as her mind absently drifted back to thoughts and questions about last night.

* * *

As Sasuke and Sakura walked through the double doors of the high school and their uneventful and completely silent walk to the school was interrupted by the loud masses of late students running from lockers to classrooms, they parted ways like they always did as each headed to their lockers. As Sasuke walked to his, he noticed the absence of even a simple 'goodbye' from Sakura as he thought about how unusual it was to see her so silent like she had been for the ten minutes it had taken them to reach the school.

Sakura on the other hand had only one thought in her head once she got to her locker.

'_How soon is sooner than I think?'_

As she continued to ponder Gaara's words and half-heartedly curse him for his mysteriousness, she bundled the books she would need into her arms and slowly walked to her first class, not particularly caring that she was running late.

* * *

When Sakura eventually made it to the right classroom Kakashi looked up from his book at the late arrival (as she had managed to be even later than him this morning) but upon seeing that it was Sakura walking dazedly to her seat, too deep in thought to notice her surroundings and her eyes unfocused, a hidden flicker of concern crossed his face before he looked back down at his book deciding to keep an eye on her but not to interfere… not unless it was necessary.

Half falling into her seat, Sakura wondered briefly why her mind felt so foggy before remembering that in the past two days she had nearly drowned and then had sand painstakingly plucked from her arm grain by grain and decided that she was probably lucky that that was all that was wrong with her.

As Kakashi stood, obviously done with that particular chapter of his beloved book and ready to begin teaching, the door opened and Sakura couldn't keep the grin from her face at who she saw standing in the doorway.

'Oh right, I forgot,' said Kakashi as he too smiled through his mask at the boy in the doorway who was looking quite uninterested in everything. Of everyone in the classroom, only Sakura knew that he always looked like that and only she could see the small flicker of slight curiosity in his surroundings that remained hidden to the rest of the class. Tuning back into what Kakashi had been saying she managed to pick up the end of his sentence.

'… will be joining our class while he's in town to keep up to date with schoolwork.' At this Gaara looked slightly annoyed making it clear that it hadn't been his idea that he be 'kept up to date with schoolwork'.

'So if you could find a seat Gaara and just listen in today, I will talk to you after class to catch you up with what we've been doing.'

Going to a seat in the back left corner of the class as it was the only seat that wasn't occupied, he sat down and glanced around the room noticing that Sakura was sitting at the back as well but in the right corner. Sakura still couldn't keep the grin from her face as she fought not to laugh and when he saw her she could have sworn she saw the ghost of a smile.

'_Much sooner than I thought.'_

* * *

When the bell eventually rang out through the school and deafened everyone who heard it as usual, the class rose to their feet as one and fought to get out of the room as fast as possible, heedless of Kakashi's half-hearted reprimands.

'You are only to leave when I have excused you! Oh never mind…' he muttered as he flopped down into his chair and picked up his little orange friend, opening it to the exact page he had left off from with practiced ease.

Noticing that both Gaara and Sakura were taking a little longer to collect their books together he realised he needed to speak to both of them. Knowing that Gaara would wait because he had already been asked to, Kakashi decided that Sakura could go first and prayed that Gaara would stay out of earshot until they were finished.

'Sakura, could I have a quick word please?' He called, shaking Sakura out of the daze she had yet again fallen into and nearly causing her to drop her books. After the momentary shock and elation that Gaara's arrival had brought, Sakura found herself feeling a bit spacey again and noticed that the classroom seemed to be a little out of focus so she had sat quietly for the rest of the class, hoping that the odd feelings would dissipate. '_Maybe I should take it easy for a few days… just until everything stops spinning so much'_ she thought to herself as she made her way between the desks towards the front of the room.

Kakashi was relieved to see Gaara staying at the back of the class, clearly realising that they needed to talk without anyone listening in and so opening a book and sitting down looking quite uninterested in everything. Unknown to Kakashi he was actually quite curious as to what they needed to talk about (possibly because the room was completely devoid of anything that was anywhere near as interesting), and so under the pretense of pulling out a book and reading, he watched Sakura and Kakashi out of the corner of his eye.

Standing in front of Kakashi's desk and looking at him curiously, she waited for him to say something but he had kept reading once he had called her over and now she was indignant to find that he seemed to have forgotten she was there. Coughing quietly to get his attention she was more than slightly annoyed when he looked up amusedly and said quietly,

'Yes, what would you like Sakura?'

Even though she glared at him, both knew full well that he was only doing this to lighten the mood of the stifling classroom a bit and he could clearly see a smile fighting the glare on her face.

His face became more serious after a moment as he said 'Are you ok Sakura?'

This time she had expected to be asked, but it still made her think as a grim smile began creeping over her face, '_heh, second time I've been asked that today, I must look really awful… at least I know he actually means it…' _at the last thought her face softened and she smiled a small genuine smile.

'Everything's fine, honestly.'

Seeing her smile as she said it, his face softened as well and he decided to stop worrying quite so much.

'And you'll come and talk to me if you need to?' he asked quietly, still aware that they were not the only ones in the room. Sakura chuckled quietly.

'I told you that I would last time, remember?' Kakashi smiled.

'Alright, go and have your lunch then. Oh, and Sakura, look after yourself ok?'

Deciding that she must truly look terrible this morning, Sakura nodded and smiled before turning on her heel and leaving the room with a quick glance at Gaara on her way past. As she looked at him, Gaara's eyes flickered upwards and they made eye contact briefly before she disappeared through the door. He had watched them both and heard their muffled talking and concluded that they must be close considering their body language, the small laughs he had heard and how at ease they both looked with each other. '_Interesting'_ he thought as, without a word, he closed his book and picked up the rest of his things before making his way to the front of the classroom.

Deciding not to do the same thing to Gaara as he had done to Sakura when she had first walked up to his desk, '_I highly doubt that he would get the joke' _Kakashi thought as he scanned the boys face and noticed that he had no laugh lines and that, judging from the serious expression on his face, if he did laugh his face might actually crack. Instead Kakashi decided to get straight down to business, after all he was halfway through a whole new chapter now and he could hardly leave it there.

'Ok, so far this term we've covered…'

* * *

Quickly ditching her books in her locker, Sakura then headed straight to the girls bathroom and looked in the mirror, surprised to see that other than looking pale, she looked perfectly fine. 'S_o why do people keep asking if I'm ok?!' _she thought exasperatedly before conceding, _'well ok, Sasuke I can understand, last time he saw me I looked a little worse for wear, but why Kakashi?... although he might have noticed that I'm completely white, he does pick up on everything.'_

Realising how hungry she was, she quickly pushed all other thoughts to the back of her mind as she made her way back to her locker to grab her lunch. Feeling like her head was swimming again she reached out and opened her locker, searching quickly for her lunch. After looking for a few minutes and growing increasingly annoyed (and hungry) she realised she must have left it at home and thinking back she remembered the last time she saw it in her minds eye. On the kitchen counter. Sighing and then closing her eyes and taking a deep breath in an effort to abate the sudden dizziness that had washed over her, Sakura closed her locker and took a step forward, her eyes still shut as she realised she would have to go home and get her lunch.

Any other day and she would have gone without, but today she knew she needed to eat something to give her enough energy to be able to avoid passing out in her afternoon classes.

Feeling as though everything was moving in slow motion and suddenly sure that her head must somehow be underwater for it to feel like this she opened her eyes as she continued walking, only to walk into something warm and quite solid before beginning to pitch backwards from the impact.

Caught by strong arms before she hit the floor, Sakura blinked a few times as she looked into the sea green eyes of her newest classmate. Gaara pulled her back into a standing position and let go of her, only to have to instantly dive forwards again to stop her from collapsing into a heap as her legs trembled before giving way completely.

Helping her stand for a second time but this time not letting go of her shoulders as she slumped slightly, Gaara watched as Sakura shook her head slightly and took another deep breathe before standing up straighter. After a moment in which he quickly assessed her to make sure she wouldn't collapse again, he let go off her shoulders warily and took a small step back to give her some space.

Looking up into his eyes Sakura smiled her thanks.

'Sorry about that, and thanks,' she said, feeling slightly embarrassed at the sudden thought that he had seen her so weak so many times already. He seemed to understand her feelings in the tone of her voice and looked meaningfully at her.

'Don't worry about it.' And she knew he meant the previous night as well as what had just happened. She smiled gratefully and he returned it with the flicker of a smile that was just for her, knowing that she saw it.

'So are you enjoying your first day of school?' she asked teasingly as he shot her an empty glare that concealed what would have been a laugh and stayed silent. He couldn't remember the last time he had actually laughed but this girl was coming awfully close to making him and he loved how easy they already were with each other. _'Funny what a form of torture can do to bring people together' _he thought grimly as he glanced at her arm and frowned as a thought struck him.

'I'll take that as a yes then.' She continued, smiling brightly and giggling before flinching slightly as Gaara grabbed her arm and raised her sleeve to reveal the bandage. She turned to look at him to find him staring intently at it before he raised his eyes to hers.

'You should have changed these bandages, I was in a rush last night and your arm really needs to be rebound properly.'

'Oh it's alright; I was in a rush myself this morning and I didn't have time but I'll do it tonight. Don't worry.' She added when he didn't release her arm. He looked at her for a long moment as though analysing her and she began to feel slightly uncomfortable about being under such close scrutiny before realising his eyes were gentle and worried and that this was just his way of caring. She confirmed it when she smiled up at him and he continued to look worriedly at her before releasing her arm and giving a very small, slightly strained smile. _'I think I'm going to have to keep an eye on this one… make sure she's ok… she never said why her arm was… we never talked about…' _his thoughts were whirling out of control as they continued their walk together down the hall to the grass outside where the students ate their lunch,_ 'and the reason I'm here, in Konoha in the first place… she doesn't even know… know about…' _

'Oh!' The small sound broke Gaara out of his thoughts as he looked down to find Sakura had begun walking back the way they had come. After a few more steps she turned back to him as though she had only just remembered he was still there and said,

'Sorry, I forgot my lunch and should really go home and get it.' He looked at her oddly for a second, slightly worried about her again.

'Oh I'm sorry, do you know where to go to have lunch and your next class and everything?' she asked, mistaking his concern for her and thinking he simply didn't know what to do or where to go next.

'No I'm fine, did you want me to walk there with you?'

Touched by his kindness, Sakura smiled kindly at him.

'Thank you for the offer,' she said genuinely 'but its only ten minutes away, I'll be fine, you go and have lunch. Oh and… thank you, for before.' She added and smiled again before turning and walking away, leaving Gaara to drown in his thoughts.

'_Definitely need to keep an eye on her,' _he thought grimly before a light smile touched his lips, _'and change her bandages myself if she forgets again.'_

* * *

_ok, 15 down... amazing how big this fics getting... my baby lol... anyway im off to continue celebrating my new found adulthood lol... quite a good day actually, girly day with mum, fish and chips (and vodka cruisers) by the beach (my goodness seagulls scare me lol) -- and tonight... just relaxing and stuff... oooh and im gettin a new camera for my birthday!! yay :)... anyway enuf bout that lol... please make my perfect day that little bit more memorable and special and leave a review... pleeeeease:) (ooh, and a cookie goes to whoever gets the 100th review... i cant believe i'll have that many reviews... thankyou all and hope you liked this chapter :)_

_thanks for reading:)_


	16. Of Yellow Daisies

_hi all, ok i think i promised i wouldnt leave it so long to update... and i did... sorry!!! all i can say is that end of the year schoolwork and stuff caught up with me and that now im officially on holidays so im gonna update much more often (which is good cos i really didnt wana_ _uplaod this till i had the next chapter done too... that didnt happen but its close and i have the time so it wont take too long._

_secondly, thankyou so much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday:) - and it was too so thanks peoples, virtual cookies and muffins to all :D_

_and thanks especially to all my wonderful, lovely, terrific, brilliantly fantastic reviewing friends who all deserve many more cookies and muffins than i could possibly give :) - i'll be replying to reviews quicker now too by the way :) - thanks to unspoiled rini, Rain Crystal, Gothic Saku-chan, Aiyo Rei, miroku girl15, Merridaine, .Wax.Butterflies. (who was my very very special 100th reviewer!!! cookies for all in celebration :D), starlit.kiss7 and dailyangel._

_ok, quick recap before we get into chappie 16 and can i just say that in this chapter are some more_ interesting _themes and if by the end of it you're unsure about continuing this fic because of what may be to come, know that it will get a bit worse before it gets better (and it will get better :)_

_ok recap:_

'Oh!' The small sound broke Gaara out of his thoughts as he looked down to find Sakura had begun walking back the way they had come. After a few more steps she turned back to him as though she had only just remembered he was still there and said,

'Sorry, I forgot my lunch and should really go home and get it.' He looked at her oddly for a second, slightly worried about her again.

'Oh I'm sorry, do you know where to go to have lunch and your next class and everything?' she asked, mistaking his concern for her and thinking he simply didn't know what to do or where to go next.

'No I'm fine, did you want me to walk there with you?'

Touched by his kindness, Sakura smiled kindly at him.

'Thank you for the offer,' she said genuinely 'but its only ten minutes away, I'll be fine, you go and have lunch. Oh and… thank you, for before.' She added and smiled again before turning and walking away, leaving Gaara to drown in his thoughts.

'Definitely need to keep an eye on her,' he thought grimly before a light smile touched his lips, 'and change her bandages myself if she forgets again.'

_This chapter is dedicated to daily, the brightest daisy i know, and her team 7, the sunlight on her petals :) (the things that happen in this chapter will get better very soon, be happy, take care and have fun:)_

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**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 16: Of Yellow Daisies and the Importance of Doors

The sunlight shone through the leaves of the trees that bordered the side of the road, casting a soft, dappled green light over Sakura as she meandered up the path towards her house, marveling at how peaceful everything felt. She had been in a hurry to get home and pick up her lunch and get back to school in time so as not to be late for her next class but as she walked she felt herself relaxing more than she had in what felt like years.

Forgetting, if only for a moment, the troubles that usually haunted her, Sakura took a deep breathe of the cool afternoon air, noticing a light fragrance on the breeze.

Wandering curiously to the side of the path she knelt and found a small patch of yellow daisies amidst the other shrubbery at the base of one of the overshadowing trees. Smiling to herself she picked one and, after gently touching one of the bright, velvety petals and inhaling deeply the soft, light fragrance, she placed it behind her ear and began walking lightheartedly up the path again, a small bounce in her step.

It didn't take long for Sakura to reach her house and after very briefly pausing at where the front door should have been she shook her head once with a small smile, deciding not to be annoyed at Naruto for now and just enjoy the new happy feeling that had been brought about by such a nice, untroubled walk home. A feeling she hadn't felt for so long it seemed almost unfamiliar to her and a small part of her wasn't quite used to it. All the same she didn't want to let anything break her out of it for as long as possible because she knew that it wouldn't last.

It never did.

But for now she was content and wanted to stay that way, and so she went into the bathroom to freshen up before heading into her bedroom to quickly brush her hair and adjust the daisy. Combing through her long pink hair with her fingers and watching almost in a daze as the curtains of hair parted and then flowed back together seamlessly like running water, she noticed how much the bright yellow daisy clashed with the light pastel coloured tresses it was perched in and grinned, thinking back to the many times in her childhood she had tried to wear different flowers in her hair, many clashing horribly.

She had often hated her hair colour but as she grew she had begun to like how much it set her apart from everyone else. And looking in the mirror now, she didn't mind the yellow on pink… the colours themselves were both light and conveyed a sense of happiness and the fact that they clashed so horribly just made her laugh.

Still smiling and feeling peaceful and carefree she heard what she thought might have been a muffled knock at her front door and with a last look at herself in the mirror and a lingering smile, Sakura went absent-mindedly to answer it. As she walked out of her bedroom several insistent thoughts flashed quickly through her uncaring mind, _'I wonder who that is… have I taken too long getting my lunch?... maybe its Kakashi-sensei wondering why I'm late… maybe he thinks im skipping… or Gaara… maybe he didn't know his next class after all… or Sasuke… nope… Naruto?... now why would Naruto come to my house… heh maybe he's finally come to fix my…'_

Her train of thought came to a very abrupt halt as her face fell and her jaw dropped. Her mind which had been racing up until a second ago had shut down completely leaving her with no thoughts whatsoever and, as such, no way to get out of the situation she found herself in. There, standing imposingly in her front doorway and blocking the sunlight as well as any possible chance of escape with his large, threatening form, stood the one man Sakura had thought she would never see again. Would never _have_ to see again. Even after that phone call that seemed so long ago and so unimportant now, she hadn't thought it was possible, not really.

But here he was.

They both stood, staring at each other, his face inscrutable, her's completely blank from shock. And then he was moving, forwards, towards her. Before he went more than three steps Sakura had stepped back and as he took another she matched it in her effort to get away from him. Seeing him sneer so suddenly made her blood run cold and a second later she knew why as her back hit the doorframe of her bedroom.

She couldn't take her eyes from his and knew that if she did he would take the chance.

As it was a decision that had to be made quickly and the choices were either to stand against the doorframe and wait for whatever was to come or to corner herself further but put more distance between herself and him, Sakura knew there was no choice at all… she had to get away from him.

It all happened in a split second.

She broke eye contact as she twisted her body around the doorframe and almost fell into her bedroom. Regaining her balance quickly she lunged at the door in an effort to close it and block him out… out of her room… out of her mind… _'He can't be back! He just can't!_', but he had read her actions and had lunged a second before she had and thrown his foot between the door and the frame, obstructing any attempt at closing it. Throwing herself against the door with all of her strength to at least keep him from coming in, she felt him push from the other side.

He was pushing only slightly, enough to keep her where she was for fear that if she weakened he would overpower her, before she realised that he was strong enough to have done it already anyway. _He was toying with her._ Whimpering as he applied the slightest amount of added pressure she suddenly heard a loud groaning sound that sent a chill down her spine and made her realise a second too late that they must have been pushing on different sides of the door.

There was a terrible _Crack_ that echoed around the house and inside her head as the wood in front of her splintered before the door broke apart completely… and his face appeared through the newly made gap above her.

Pushing away from the broken door in alarm and barely noticing the splinters of wood that were sticking out of her hands and the few that she could feel stinging her face where they had flown across it when the door had split, she could only watch, panicked, as he pushed the door open slowly, tormenting her with the knowledge that he was coming and she could do nothing.

'_Come on!' _she shouted at herself, her mind suddenly kicking into gear, _'this is why you became a shinobi isn't it!? Options, options… window? No, he'd beat me, he's faster… fight? He'd beat me there too, he's stronger… this really isn't helping' _she thought, dismayed and suddenly feeling weary. She may have forgotten the events of the past two days in the haze of panic she was battling but her body hadn't and after the long draining moments of fear that she had just gone through and the knowledge that much _much_ worse was surely to come, her body had started shutting down out of fear and exhaustion.

Growing slightly dizzy for a moment, Sakura quickly shook the feeling away as she began to panic more at the sudden loss of control of her own body. _'No! Not now!' _she thought wildly as she saw the man before her chuckle softly, obviously seeing her distress and fatigue and realising, like she had seconds before, that she was no match for him whatsoever.

He had been unsure when he first arrived of how much she had grown and what she had made of herself. He had heard of course that she had begun training and learning the ways of the shinobi but he didn't know how far she had progressed and had to at least be wary until he could determine if she was any match for him. She wasn't.

As he slowly and deliberately took long, sweeping strides towards her, she continued to back away, falling to the floor as she tripped backwards over one of the many small piles of clothes she had left there that morning. Not even bothering to get back up she continued to push herself backwards away from him using any and every bit of strength she could find as he grew closer and closer, a small smiling lifting the corners of his mouth into an evil sneer.

As her back once again hit a hard surface she looked up briefly to see the wall of her bedroom. She was no where near her window and silently berated herself for her stupidity even though she knew well that he wouldn't have allowed her to continue moving had she been close enough to it to escape.

Stepping closer still, he stopped only when he stood directly over her before he leant down towards her and reached his hand for her neck. Unable to do anything, Sakura looked up into his eyes and found them twinkling with such malevolence that her stomach turned and she couldn't stop the look of disgust that crossed her features. Still staring at him defiantly, her face set and ready for whatever he would do next she saw his face contort briefly as he saw in her eyes that she wasn't as submissive as she had once been. And then he smiled so widely and with genuine happiness that she couldn't stop the shudder that rocked her small crouching form.

* * *

Thoughts were whirling through his head so fast that he had trouble keeping up with them but when he saw her defiance he was reminded of the girl's mother, and how she had been like that too… long ago. But remembering what had come after… he smiled widely, giggling contentedly inside his head as he thought of what had come after and, as he continued to look down at the small pink _thing_ in front of him he couldn't help the grin that contorted his features from widening even more… he would do the same with this one…

* * *

Feeling beyond scared as his grin grew so much that, in a different lifetime it would have been an infectious sign of happiness, she only felt disgust and tried to wriggle away from him as without further warning his hand shot out and grabbed her face instead.

Holding her chin in one massive powerful hand he squeezed painfully, seeing her eyes glaze ever so slightly in pain before he released her slightly and then moved his hand slowly down her throat until it rested at her neck where without further warning he squeezed again whilst simultaneously pulling her to her feet by her neck alone.

Gasping at the sudden loss of control and the feeling of breathlessness and pain, Sakura found her feet and straightened them underneath her to find that they dangled off of the ground and that she was being held up by her neck alone. As she had been unknowingly holding her breath from fear and had been forced to release it when she had been pulled up, she tried to inhale again and found it impossible, the weight at her throat and the pain from his squeezing grip constricting her airways too much for her to get any air into her lungs which were beginning to burn from lack of oxygen.

Gradually her vision slowly started to dim at the edges and she could blurrily see in his eyes that were now so close to hers, that he was getting immense satisfaction from this. She knew she was close to losing consciousness and just as her body went limp and her eyes starting flickering closed he let go, surprising her distant and foggy mind so much that her outstretched legs buckled and she fell to the ground gasping for air.

Amidst the new pain in her chest, her still clouded vision, her sore, stiff legs and the feeling of being literally sick to her stomach over everything that had happened in the past few minutes, she vaguely saw him leaning over her again. She stiffened instantly when she felt his mouth next to her ear and his hot breath ghost over her skin, all weariness forgotten as the sick feeling redoubled and assaulted her viciously; making her very glad she had missed lunch. Mentally preparing for the worst and knowing that her idea of 'the worst' was probably no where near as bad as his, she breathed in sharply when she heard his low rasping voice, threateningly slow and quiet, directly in her ear.

'Honey, I'm home.' He said sadistically with a grin before straightening and leaving the room with a low chuckle as Sakura began to shake uncontrollably and a single tear escaped her, sliding down her cheek and stinging when it made its way across the bruises blossoming on her chin and down her neck.

Drawing her knees up to her chest and curling into a ball, she absently reached out to the small pile of clothes that she had tripped on earlier and using them as a pillow she lay down in a ball in the corner of her room, shaking miserably and unable to form proper thoughts. As her breathing calmed and her panic and pure fear gave way to utter and complete hopelessness and an aching feeling that seemed to surround her completely, she raised her eyes slowly, scanning her floor and viewing her room from an angle.

Her vision already dimming as another wave of dizziness and exhaustion washed over her, she spotted a small patch of bright yellow amidst the clothes and wood splinters strewn around her room and using the last of her energy to focus her eyes on it she saw that it was the daisy she had picked earlier, evidently falling from her hair during the fight… or frenzied attempt at escape.

Forgetting about all else and finally giving in to the inexorable pull of sleep, her last thought was of the daisy and of how much it looked like a star, such a bright yellow amidst all of the darkness, the only piece of beauty and comfort, the only symbol of happiness and hope left in the shattered world that Sakura's bedroom… that her life had just become.

* * *

'_Yes,'_ he thought as he walked into the kitchen and began pillaging the cupboards and fridge for food, still chuckling softly to himself, _'I will do the same with this one…'_

'I will break her.'

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_okie dokey... an adult and still saying okie dokey... oh well lol, anyway, thanks to everyone who is still with this story, who is just starting to read this story and who have inspired this story :) - please know that it will get better!!!... i mean it'll get a bit worse too but eventually it will get better :) --- please review and let me know what u think, you know how motivational and important it is and how much it delights any writer :)_

_Have fun and thanks for reading :)_


	17. Impossible

_-waves casually- hi all :) (dodges flying objects) hehe, been awhile huh... ummm, i honestly didnt think this chapter would be so hard to write (it took ages to find the right angle to write it from so i hope its ok :) - and i also didnt think i would be busier during holidays than i was whilst completing year 12... but there you go :) - all i can say is sorry and i really really really hope people are still (even slightly) interested in this fic -looks hopeful- :)_

_thankyou sooooo much for the reviews too, they really did help with the writers block and pushed me to hurry up and update so thanks: _Merridaine, starlit.kiss7, Gothic Saku-chan, Lacuna Lily, angstar54, dailyangel, nomanslandvicki (who gave me one of the best reviews ive ever recieved :), miroku girl15, Moongoddess97 and otaku-freak-16, _the newer people to have read and reviewed and the people who are still reading even after all my late and sporadic updates, thankyou so much -hugs u all-_

_oh, and two things... firstly, (and i realise this sounds pointless but i felt i should mention it) i have recently found the greatest book ever written and its two sequels (overstatement? i think not lol), they of course being twilight, new moon and eclipse by stephenie meyer... for anyone who has read them, i realise the beginning of this chapter_ might _seem misleading_ _because of my new found obsession but this wont be a vamp fic and all of their hearts are still beating... no werewolves either... poor jacob... sorry, very sidetracked :D - anyway i apologise if my writing style sounds slightly familiar... i couldnt help it :) (any other twilight fans out there:)_

_secondly, because of my exceedingly late update im not sure how much use a recap would be and if you can be bothered (and believe me, i'll be surprised if anyone reads this chapter anyway... its soooo overdue :( - but if possible, it may be better to just go back a chapter or two and read from there, especially given how slowly this fic goes sometimes (i re-read a lot of it to give me ideas and there were things i'd forgotten... was weird lol) - but yeah, hope people are still interested and if so that you enjoy this chapter, the next one just needs editing and will then be up too and i will try to never ever leave it that long again :)_

_for daily, the best friend anyone could ask for... and the most patient :) - thank you :)_

_recap (i thought i'd include one anyway :) :_

Her vision already dimming as another wave of dizziness and exhaustion washed over her, she spotted a small patch of bright yellow amidst the clothes and wood splinters strewn around her room and using the last of her energy to focus her eyes on it she saw that it was the daisy she had picked earlier, evidently falling from her hair during the fight… or frenzied attempt at escape.

Forgetting about all else and finally giving in to the inexorable pull of sleep, her last thought was of the daisy and of how much it looked like a star, such a bright yellow amidst all of the darkness, the only piece of beauty and comfort, the only symbol of happiness and hope left in the shattered world that Sakura's bedroom… that her life had just become.

_'Yes,'_ he thought as he walked into the kitchen and began pillaging the cupboards and fridge for food, still chuckling softly to himself, _'I will do the same with this one…'_

'I will break her.'

_ok, dont know how helpful that was but on we go anyway, enjoy :)_

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**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 17: Impossible

_Sasuke's POV_

A vampire. The living dead. That was the first thought that went though my head when Sakura walked through the door, late, for our first class this morning. It hadn't started yet, although it was supposed to have (we had Kakashi) so she was lucky that her unexplained absence went unnoticed. As often and as needlessly as Kakashi is late, he despises anyone later than himself (when he deigns to show up at all that is).

Everyone in the classroom stopped for a brief second when the door opened, the pause in conversation lasting only as long as it took for people to see that it wasn't Kakashi arriving earlier than usual, but Sakura arriving much later. As soon as people saw the pink hair or the smaller stature or the female attire - whatever was necessary to ascertain that it wasn't any kind of authority figure - the conversation resumed. I wouldn't have even noticed her walk through the door had I not been very slightly… _curious_… about Sakura's state-of-mind lately. Any worry or concern I feel, I attribute to the team as a whole because what affects one of us affects us all and can seriously alter our chances in any missions we're assigned to.

So it was with much effort that I lifted my head slightly from where it rested on my arms and with vaguely _curious_ eyes that I watched Sakura move towards our shared desk which I was currently sitting alone at (Naruto was a part of a rather loud conversation with Shikamaru and the other guys which I couldn't be bothered being a part of myself). I prepared myself to meet her eyes when I lifted mine to her, purely because she always seems to be looking at me, but when I looked her eyes were on the floor in front of her.

I've watched her out of the corner of my eye often, that's how I notice when she's about to fall on her face from her clumsiness as she so often does and stop her from getting killed on missions (or drowning like two days ago), keeping an eye on her but not staring (in case I gave her the wrong impression and got her all worked up and optimistic).

But today it didn't matter because she didn't raise her eyes from the floor once. For a moment I stared – unabashedly - I'm now ashamed to say and noticed things that all other eyes in the class missed. I noticed the deathly pale skin, the darkening, bruise-like circles underneath her eyes, the slightly heavier than usual but still fairly subtle make-up that had been used (unsuccessfully under my scrutiny) to hide these things and the dead look of her eyes that made her seem well and truly… empty.

Not that I hadn't noticed most of these things before today, they've been noticeable for weeks, I just hadn't seen it this bad before.

I would have thought that others might have noticed as well.

I'm aware of course that there are many things that could pass undetected when it comes to Naruto or Kakashi, or even that girl Ino who I'm fairly sure was Sakura's friend. Things that wouldn't withstand my own observations for a second, but even so, with the way she looked today… especially her eyes, they were unnerving… I would have thought that _somebody _would notice.

But they didn't.

That made me wonder. The complete cluelessness that I've come to expect from Naruto and that now seemed to be shared by the rest of the occupants of the room (or maybe _caught_ by them… I'm probably right, stupidity is contagious…) may be the cause. Sakura had always been, well, less than happy about her looks.

I may not have been interested but that didn't mean I was deaf, nobody in this school was unaware of the many taunts and vile nicknames she had had to withstand through the years over her looks – some ridiculous, some cruel and some simply so untrue they were laughable – it was a wonder anyone believed them, especially her. And yet she seemed the most willing, the most ready to believe. Its daunting, the things she'd believe when she's usually so smart, so perceptive.

Watching her move was like watching a graceful reanimated corpse.

She wasn't anywhere near as clumsy as she can be when she's not concentrating. As a ninja (and as only Sakura could) her only clumsy moments are when she's doing mundane things that don't seem to require the extra grace or poise that the training teaches us to use always. So in letting her guard down, even only in times when it shouldn't be needed anyway, she makes mistakes with the simple things. Human mistakes of course, ones we all make; she just manages to make a lot more of them. The fact that she wasn't making any this morning, her fluid movements, her controlled footsteps, it was clear she was going by instinct.

For whatever reason she was on autopilot.

It was very unhelpful to think these things because when I came to myself a second later I realised she had sat down next to me in her usual seat and that, very annoyingly, the corner or my mouth was lifted, the muscles in my face feeling strange at the unpracticed movement of smiling, no matter how small. Odd. But I regained composure before it was noticeable.

She sat strangely too.

I noticed out of the corner of my eye that she seemed uncomfortable and yet not so at the same time, making any remnants of my smile disappear and a small frown take its place as I contemplated this. The look on her face would have suggested that she was… well dead but also in a small amount of pain, the way her brows furrowed so slightly it could have been a trick of the light had I not known better. And yet she seemed comfortable enough in the seat. She sat as anyone would, back relatively straight but not painfully so, head, though slightly lowered, was in the right position, overall she looked as though she should be (and was) fairly comfortable, but her face showed faint signs of the opposite.

Again, odd.

I pretended I didn't notice the absence of any kind of greeting from her, a first if I recall correctly.

I pretended, but I noticed.

Kakashi wasn't too late after all. For him. He showed up not long after Sakura and with every student in class today (finally) there was hardly any question as to who was behind the door when it opened again. The silence lasted this time.

Taking my eyes away from Sakura, though keeping her in my peripheral vision, I managed to catch the small exchange. Kakashi's eye scanned the classroom of previously rowdy students, making sure everyone was seated and (in Shikamaru's case it was necessary to check) awake. His gaze fell on Sakura and lingered a moment longer than it had on the others and I watched as the folds around his eye disappeared for a moment indicating his raised eyebrow, but he said nothing and continued to his desk. Finally, someone else had noticed the obvious besides me. Surely he would say or do something.

I noticed that when he had looked at Sakura she made the smallest of movements, a flicker of her eyes to meet his and then fall back to the desk in front of her and the slightest of squirms in her seat that moved her body all of an inch. This would come to be the only change in her for the rest of the class. She might as well have been a statue for all the signs of life she gave. She might have been dead.

* * *

_Sakura's POV_

Dead. Numb. Both good words. Both the only words that I wanted to feel because if I let too much in… scratch that, if I let anything at all in, any memory of last night, of his face, his eyes, his smell, of _him _at all then it would open the floodgates and I knew I would be pulled down, drowned beneath the weight of my memories and wildest fears, both of which were now entwined in my mind. The kind of thoughts that raise the goosebumps on my arms and bring a cold sweat to every inch of my skin, enough to make me shiver if I was still able to feel. This morning had been impossible, an impossible situation.

I woke up feeling more like I had been dead and had come back to life. Well it felt like it.

The pain was overwhelming but I managed, _I've been through worse_ I thought, but thinking back I couldn't remember a time when it had been. I realised that through my life I probably had been through worse physical, mental and emotional pain, just never all three at the one time. I did wake up though, and as much as I don't think I wanted to, I reclaimed consciousness and surveyed the damage of my room. It wasn't as good or as bad as I expected. I was completely detached already and I don't think I minded too much, it's probably the only way I kept my sanity and found the strength to stand with so much weighing me down.

I decided to leave through my window.

I knew I would regret it later on when I would have no choice but to go home at the end of the day, needing to deal with it all then when I'm even more exhausted after a full day of school. But I wanted to keep the numbness for as long as possible, knowing as soon as I lay eyes on any more of the damage that my careful, precarious calm would instantly fall to pieces around me.

I got ready for school and I left through the window. I didn't want to think, or consider anything that had happened last night, and repressing memories isn't too hard, at least in the short-term.

Whatever got me through the day I would welcome.

And I made it too, I looked as normal as I could make myself, although that's more a matter of opinion lately, I've lost any kind of normalcy in the past few months and no longer have any idea of what it looks like on me anymore. Not to mention I couldn't seem to see straight in the mirror in the school bathroom (I didn't dare stay in the house any longer than necessary), as I tried to right myself and achieve a 'normal' state of composure, it seemed as though I was blind, or struck dumb. Like I was trying to read the same sentence in a book over and over again but was never able to make sense of the words.

I gave up after awhile, deciding that it hardly mattered what I looked like anyway, and remembering grimly all of the times I was told I was ugly or abnormal. What more could anyone possibly say that I hadn't heard before? What mildly shocked me was that I didn't care anymore. Who cares about petty squabbles and a bit of name-calling when the problems I had now were… no, I couldn't think about that. I walled those thoughts back up in my mind, refusing to examine them until later when I could deal with them and not have an audience to disapprove of my methods. The methods I had been avoiding for so long… but that didn't matter to me any more, whatever could get me through this I would welcome.

I went to class, just like any other day. I reached the door with my hand outstretched to open it and I allowed myself a moment, a sigh and surprisingly, a smile. This morning had been impossible… torturous… frightening… painful beyond belief.

It had been impossible.

But I had done it.

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_okie dokey, chapter 17 done... a bit small but heavily edited and hopefully good...? please review and as always thankyou so much for reading! let me know what you think :) _

_have fun :)_


	18. Triumph

_hi all :)_

_school again, meaning later updates (i know, i didnt think updates could possibly take longer than before but there we go)_

_thankyou for all the awesomely inspiring and nice reviews - my amazingly late update didnt deserve them so thankyou thankyou __thankyou: _musicstar13,angstar54 (whose fic rocks... cant wait for _your_ next update :),XxSorenxX (emo... very emo hehe), Lacuna Lily (for the support and incredibly kind words, u really are awesome :), xteenuh102593 (-hugs u- ur so sweet, thankyou :), Gothic Saku-chan,nomanslandvicki starlit.kiss7,.Wax.Butterflies.,otaku-freak-16, Merridaine (thanks :) and daily (as always, thanks... and glad i made you laugh too :)

_dedicated to daily and the last surviving member of team 7, always the survivor, your courage is inspiring :) - things can and will always get better :)_

_and to those who have recently read my fic and have added it to their favourites and alerts (or me to their favourites or alerts :) - im very very grateful for the support and ur all very sweet -cookies for all :)-_

_oh, and the references in this chapter are to some of the very first ones of this fic (i went back and reread the whole thing yesterday and re-edited to improve continuity... its much better now and ive tried to explain all the references but reading chapter 8 (i think) again in particular might help... hopefully my writings good enough that u wont need to though - anyway, enjoy -_

_recap: _

I gave up after awhile, deciding that it hardly mattered what I looked like anyway, and remembering grimly all of the times I was told I was ugly or abnormal. What more could anyone possibly say that I hadn't heard before? What mildly shocked me was that I didn't care anymore. Who cares about petty squabbles and a bit of name-calling when the problems I had now were… no, I couldn't think about that. I walled those thoughts back up in my mind, refusing to examine them until later when I could deal with them and not have an audience to disapprove of my methods. The methods I had been avoiding for so long… but that didn't matter to me any more, whatever could get me through this I would welcome.

I went to class, just like any other day. I reached the door with my hand outstretched to open it and I allowed myself a moment, a sigh and surprisingly, a smile. This morning had been impossible… torturous… frightening… painful beyond belief.

It had been impossible.

But I had done it.

(btw, do the last two lines above this one seem familiar to anyone? ... hehe, see the authors note at the end of the chapter if they do :)

okey dokey... on with the chapter...

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**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 18: Triumph

The shrill, deafening rings of the school bell made more than one person in the class jump, as it resounded off of the walls and in people's heads after the contrasting silence that had enshrouded the room seconds before.

Kakashi had insisted on _teaching_ today (as opposed to his usual once over of the class and then work sheets or assignments which always left him, conveniently enough, with the time to read). As he so often did whenever he was lecturing, he commanded complete silence, not verbally but logically because he spoke in his usual quiet monotone and for taking notes to be possible even the scratching of pens and pencils needed to be somehow muted, ruling out any ideas of talk which would drown him out completely.

So the entire class had their heads over their pages and wrote as quietly as possible for the length of the lesson until the bell sharply marked the end of what most considered torture. Sakura however couldn't have been more grateful for the quiet time or the way taking notes took just enough energy to distract her but not enough to exhaust her anymore than she already was.

She also could have laughed at how easy it had been to pretend to be normal when no one was looking at or talking to her and she could keep her head down like everyone else, not needing any pretense as she wrote. She could have laughed, but she didn't. As it was she couldn't even manage a smile and the happiness she felt at not being talked to or looked at too closely – lest anyone see her tenuous hold on her composure – was nothing more than faint buoyancy that was lost in the well of despair surrounding her head and heart like a toxic haze.

As everyone in the room stood and the grating of chairs on the ground set everyone's teeth on edge after the silence, Sakura was more than happy to pick up her books and make a quick exit, unconcerned about her plan to escape for the lunch break and only come back when she absolutely had to for her next class so as to avoid having to speak.

She was more than slightly worried that if she tried to verbalise anything, it would come out as a squeak, or a scream… or nothing at all. She wasn't sure which would be worse so she contented herself with the hope that she wouldn't have to test it.

As she piled her books numbly into her hands however, not feeling their weight and hoping she had a good grip and wouldn't drop them, she looked up and felt before she saw Kakashi's eye on her. Knowing she wouldn't get away as easily as she had hoped, Sakura began to worry a little, perfunctorily because she was too numb to really feel the need to bother, and walked around her desk to the front of the room where he stood, waiting.

They both stood either side of his desk, his eye never leaving hers and hers trained resolutely on the ground. They both waited until everyone in the room had filed out, neither noticing the way Sasuke moved slower than usual and reached the door last before grudgingly disappearing through it and leaving them alone.

Even in the empty classroom the silence continued and though Sakura couldn't have cared less - her thoughts wandering between curious inspection of the floorboards and where they met the wall in the corner - Kakashi grew increasingly worried as the seconds ticked by and the silence persisted.

Having pondered worst-case-scenarios in his head for the majority of the lesson (he knew the lecture he had been giving by heart, speaking automatically and using the time to think, though he was more accustomed to using this tactic in fights rather than in the classroom) Kakashi was sure that, of the many scenarios he had dreamt up, the reality of the situation would be worse by far. He had never seen Sakura this bad before, even on the night she had collapsed in his arms from lack of food and blood loss before telling him all about her pain-filled past. That scared him. He thought he had already seen her at her lowest, the memory of it rising occasionally to torment him.

His eyes never left her downcast ones as he stepped fluidly around the desk separating them and pulled a chair from the front row of desks. Placing it behind Sakura and angling it so that she would be sitting at his desk from the opposite side, he then went to take her arm to guide her back into it, as she had yet to show any kind of response to his actions. The moment before his hand touched her forearm she flinched imperceptibly (though of course he noticed) and sat in the seat quickly.

Slightly startled and far more worried than before by her odd reaction, Kakashi made his way slowly around his desk to sit in his usual chair, facing her and placing his hands on the dark wooden surface of the desk before him, folding his arms as he leant forward, casting a speculative eye over her face again as though reassessing, trying to find something he'd missed.

Sakura kept her eyes down the entire time, surprising him slightly by her uncharacteristic stillness (last time they had been in this kind of situation she couldn't stop fidgeting out of nervousness) and continuing to stare at the ever so fascinating floorboards as though unaware of his gaze.

They sat in silence and neither knew how long for, Kakashi unsure for once on how to approach the situation and Sakura quite content to sit and not have to talk… or think… and continue discovering the subtle grooves in the wood under her feet.

After a time, when he felt that he had gone through every option in his head and all their possible consequences and had come up with the most practical, Kakashi broke the heavy silence.

'What's wrong?' he said simply, his quiet voice full of self-assurance that this was the only way to deal with the problem… head on.

He continued to watch as Sakura's head lifted slowly, unwillingly, as though she were a marionette whose strings had been pulled and she had no choice but to obey. Her eyes remained on the ground for as long as they could whilst she turned her face up, but eventually she had no option but to look at him, her eyes sliding up slowly to focus on his; facing the inevitable.

He held her gaze, neither wavering, his eyes burning with curiosity so palpable that even her hazy mind registered it. Her eyes, though she could physically see everything, albeit as though through a filter, appeared unseeing. There was no light in her eyes and the corner of Kakashi's eye creased as he frowned beneath his mask, concerned at how unresponsive she was. This was not the Sakura he was used to, even when she was revealing horrific secrets about herself. Something had changed.

'Sakura?' His soft voice broke the silence again.

He continued to watch her, this time looking for any signs that the problem was physical rather then the assumption he had been working on that it was mental or emotional. He looked over her face carefully, not missing the signs of sleep deprivation and obvious trauma of some kind but not able to find any signs of injury.

He noticed the particularly heavy make-up around certain areas of her face, no more than mildly curious about the way it was centered mostly around her chin and neck, but he found this inconsequential for the moment. Then his eyes slowly moved, almost unwillingly, to her arms. He wasn't able to see anything of course, Sakura always wore long sleeves these days and the desk concealed them either way, but she didn't miss the flick of his eyes as he checked anyway.

'That's not it' she spoke just as quietly as he had. She was very slightly surprised that she was able to speak at all and he was shocked out of his reverie, not only because she had finally spoken but also by the faint hoarseness of her voice from lack of use (it was the first time she had spoken since the day before) and, though he didn't know it, the events of the night before – namely being held up by her throat and choked.

His eyes darted back to her face but found nothing new there.

'What is it then?' He said gently, not wanting to miss the opportunity now that he had her talking and unable to think of another way to coax it out of her than to ask and keep asking till she answered.

Sakura continued to look blankly at him but his words kick-started her brain and she thought about whether or not she should tell him of the events of last night.

'_Honey, I'm home.'_

The haunting words broke through any remaining vestiges of haziness in her mind, piercing through her and making her shudder and look down again as her mind whirled. _'No,' _she thought, suddenly very certain, _'telling him isn't an option, telling anyone isn't an option… at least not for the moment… I need to know more first, I don't even know what the situation is yet anyway… and I'm a ninja, I can handle this… this is the reason why I became one in the first place… I just need to… to do my own reconnaissance before I call for back-up…yeah that's it… no one needs to know until there is something to know... I can do this… and I was lucky last time I told Kakashi those things… he may not be so… nice… this time… I mean, this is different, last time it was just me making the mistakes… now its someone else too… personal weakness is one thing but how would he feel if he found out one of his own students couldn't defend herself the way I couldn't last night? He'd be disgusted… disappointed… no, I have to handle this on my own…'_

Though she was scaring herself the more she thought it through and knew that she was deluding herself by thinking she could cope for much longer ('_and it's only been a day!'_), a small part of her wanted to prove herself by handling this situation on her own.

This small part of her consciousness complimented the much larger chunk of her mind that knew without a doubt that it was better to keep her mouth shut. Not only was she sure that it would be far safer around _Him_ if no one else knew, (anyone she told was sure to try to do something about it… the keyword being 'try'… and he would more than likely beat them – anyone – in a fight… before beating her… far safer to put up with it for now and deal with it herself). There was also the tiny niggling fear in the very back of her mind that repeated the words ceaselessly that she had feared most since _His_ return…

_Why isn't mum back yet…?_

So, resolutely and almost happily because she now had an acceptable (if slightly unrealistic) course of action, Sakura looked back up, meeting Kakashi's eye once again and calmly said the biggest and most unbelievable lie she was capable of.

'I'm fine'

Kakashi stared in shock which quickly dissolved into resignation. She wouldn't tell him. He had lost her. It was just like that day in his office, the first time she tried to tell him about her problems… that time Naruto had barged into the room before she could say anything, making her close up. He wondered what had affected her so much to produce the same affect this time. Who or what had barged into her thoughts?

He had watched her for the last few seconds, suddenly anxious when she had shuddered and looked away. He could almost hear the cogs turning in her mind as she thought furiously, over what he could (still) only guess at. But when she looked up again and spoke with such certainty the largest lie he had ever heard, as well as being disappointed (not in her but in himself, something had changed and he hadn't even noticed), he was as gob smacked as the great copy-nin was able to be. His eye widened as he looked at her now resolute face, the sudden fire in her eyes and wasn't sure whether to be relieved at the change, the life he could now see in her eyes, or even more concerned.

Her ability to lie had greatly improved as well, which worried him. He sighed internally at the amount of times during this month alone that she had unintentionally worried him over her wellbeing and wondered if he was really as competent a teacher and protector as he professed.

Startling him out of his thoughts yet again, Sakura suddenly stood and took a step before his voice, louder now and faintly authoritive stopped her.

'Wait. Please.' He added as an afterthought as she turned to face him. She didn't speak but he saw the question in her eyes. '_Finally responsive at least' _he thought grimly, _'Just not the response I had hoped for'_.

He spoke slowly and evenly. 'There is clearly something wrong…' he held his hand up to stop her as she opened her mouth to protest then continued, 'and I want to know exactly what it is. Now.' His tone softened, became almost pleading, 'Please? You know I'm here and I'll listen, that hasn't changed.'

He still spoke somewhat sternly but she could see the way his eye crinkled. Still frowning. She sat back down, knowing she would have to do this properly, no half-heartedness or laughing it off, he had to believe it. Some part of her mind realised she had hardened, become even colder. She wondered if she was turning into Sasuke.

She had to make him believe her and she could think of only one way to ensure that happened…

'I'm sorry Kakashi-sensei' she began seriously, looking down at her hands which were now in her lap. 'I'm sorry to have worried you, it's my problem and I felt that I should handle it myself. I cut myself again last night.'

Lying.

She looked up grimly, knowing he would be disappointed yet understanding, upset but willing to help. She had to wonder if he had ulterior motives for caring. She hadn't thought of that last time they had spoken about it… or any time before now but it occurred to her that maybe he did have other objectives. '_Probably the same ones as Sasuke… holding people back…' _she thought and had to suppress a bitter laugh.

His eye looked sad and she knew instantly that it had worked. Now for damage control.

She held her left arm and looked sad; throwing in a small wince of pain for effect as she lightly touched her forearm, surprised but able to hide it when it actually hurt a bit, _'what the…?... damn, I'll look later.' _And she pushed the thought to the back of her mind for the moment.

She knew his next question and pre-empted it.

'I'm sorry but do you mind if I don't show you? It was only small but I feel so ashamed, I don't want to think about it anymore. It was just a weak moment. I want to put it behind me and move on.'

Looking up she could see the indecision on his face and knew the perfect way to finish. It was also going to be a bigger lie than the one she had told before, although far more believable. She was undecided for the moment about whether to go back on something she still believed so completely, but two thoughts crossed her mind at once, deciding for her.

- He probably cared as much and for the same reasons as Sasuke. He probably always had.

- She needed to get out of this conversation now and make him believe this was the problem. The _only_ problem.

She was decided and though she knew it was a lie, a small part of her wanted to believe it too… the larger part of her mind knowing that especially for tonight… to get through tonight… what she was about to say was completely impossible.

'I won't do it anymore. I want to stop.'

Both of them knew what she meant. It wasn't so long ago that they had sat in her bedroom and she had told him that she wasn't sure she wanted to stop cutting – effectively warning him that she had very little intention of doing so. Kakashi remembered the indecision on her face when she had said those words so long ago, indecision both about telling him that and about the words themselves.

He didn't expect her too stop… she hadn't gone to him of her own volition after all and hadn't had much choice but to tell him about her arm to at least explain the conspicuous injuries. He had only asked (and hoped fervently… and vainly it seemed) that she talk to him when she felt like doing it again.

He gazed at Sakura for a long moment, trying to read her face and decide if she meant it. She looked ashamed, upset, embarrassed and some other emotion he couldn't decipher, though he could tell she was fighting it from her face. He wondered if it was the expression she wore when she cried, unsure of what else it could be and why it looked so out of place.

He caught her eye when she looked up and gave her a small smile. The expression flitted across her face again, more evident this time but still so incompatible with her other emotions that he couldn't name it. He smiled anyway, knowing that he had to be supportive and that there wasn't much more he could do now other than be there when she needed him.

Though she fought the expression from her face, her lips twitched in what Kakashi thought was an answering smile to his own.

'Okay Sakura' he said gently. Her lips twitched again. 'You can go; I just want to make sure you understand that you really can come to me. Anytime. _At all_.' He stressed his point. Clearly the fact that she hadn't gone to him this time had not gone unnoticed. 'Remember, I'll be here whenever you need me.'

Sakura stood again, fighting the emotion from her face as hard as she could.

'Sakura?' She turned back to him but remained standing. 'I'm really proud of you Sakura.' He said softly, 'For facing your demons.' She almost laughed at the double meaning he had missed, even as she inwardly cringed at the obvious faith he had in her and her 'honesty'. She fought with all her might to keep her lips from twitching and her voice steady.

'Thank you Kakashi-sensei. I'll try my best.' She said, allowing the smile and trying to make it look hopeful rather than grim or mocking. She thought she did a bad job of it but he seemed to buy it.

Turning on her heel, Sakura left the room without another word.

He speculated momentarily on the emotion she had fought from her face so fiercely and then let it go. He was proud of her. She was going to fight and he knew she was going to win. It was only a small relapse after all…

He still sat uncertain for a moment. Maybe he would keep an eye on her just in case anyway. It wouldn't be the first time she had assured him she was fine when she wasn't. He just hoped that if she fell again, physically (the memory of that night still in his mind) or emotionally, that he would be there to catch her again.

He still felt the whisper of suspicion in the back of his mind though. The memory of Sakura clinging to him like a frightened child, or of her limp in his arms the night before, refused to let him believe her completely.

* * *

She almost laughed as soon as she was out of the door, the emotion she had tried to hide from him immediately filling her face. 

He was wrong; she had been no where near crying.

It was triumph.

Grim, tainted triumph that filled and consumed her entire being and set the blood in her veins on fire from the warped excitement of it.

She had fooled him… _him_, the great copy-nin!... and was now free to deal with the real situation without any interference – for the moment. She knew she would have to watch what she said and how she acted for a while around him, but she found that she felt lighter. The one person who would have cared… who would have stepped in… who would have complicated everything because of (what she suspected was) his own misguided sense of duty was now suitably placated. She breathed a sigh of relief.

The thought that he was proud of her for something she knew wasn't true; for abstaining from something that she knew in a matter of hours she would be doing again brought her down into the depressing depths of her mind like quicksand. She knew, now that he believed her, she was alone in the situation she woke up to this morning.

But she fought the sinking feeling and pushed that thought aside to focus on her triumph, on the fact that she had succeeded in the first part of her new mission. That thought gave her hope that she could do the rest as well. She _could_ handle this. Her thoughts flew to the many sharp things in her house with renewed desire that she thought she had buried and that _His_ reappearance had dug up again.

She smiled, her mind replaying one of the many thoughts that seemed to follow her around lately.

'_Whatever gets me through the day I will welcome.' _

* * *

_ok... yet another fairly depressing chapter lol... so much for uplifting... ah well, next chapter (19, my favourite number) will be saturated in sasusakuness and very very long... its also almost finished and then just needs editing :) - so it should be up in less than a month (hopefully in the next week or two but my computer doesnt like me much at the moment)_

_oh, thats reminds me... a little **challenge** to those who have read twilight... did the last two lines at the end of ch17 (the chapter before this one :) sound familiar? a million cookies to whoever knows what part that quote came from (and being fair, the words hid themselves somewhere in my subconscious, i honestly didnt know where i remembered them from when i wrote them in and was very shocked when i read that part of twilight again :) - yes, i am an idiot :)_

_for a faster update please give me lots and lots of inspiration and review? -and thanks for sticking with this fic everyone :) u really are awesome :)-_


	19. Moths

_hello peoples :) - in all honesty im updating faster than i thought i would and its longer than usual so yay :) - it also may be a while before i can update again (although i have begun the next chapter) so leave me nice LONG reviews to keep me writing...please? pretty please?_

_thankyou so much to _Merridaine, dailyangel, nomanslandvicki, angstar54, Gothic Saku-chan, xteenuh102593 _and_ Night'sBullet _for reviewing and getting my butt into gear to update, i luvs u all :)_

_the quote from the end of chapter 17 that i mentioned last chapter - "it was impossible, but i did it", angstar54 got it right! she wins her million cookies! :) (proving she's just as obsessed as me with twilight... speaking of which, read her twilight fic! its fantastic :) - incidentally, the quote was from pg 401 (of my edition of the book anyway) and was when edward was explaining in the hospital at the end how he had stopped himself from draining bella completely when removing the poison from her body. -- god knows why i thought of that when writing about sakura and the abuse but there you go... im strange :)_

_dedications - yup this one has a few - _

_to_ myfailsafe _for being an amazing new friend and because her writing is really inspiring - go check out her fics people!! particularly 'a little less than forgotten' which im addicted to at the moment... honestly, no pun intended :)_

_to _daily _for her amazingly long-standing and unwavering friendship... seemingly in everything i do, you are really awesome, and the word hardly says it all, thank you so much :) (and could you please pass on the following? :) _

_and to the last member of team seven, simply put, your courage and happiness precedes you, im so happy that you like any of my writing at all and i really hope you like this chapter too, dont get carried away with the cheering... or the pillow fights with daily :) - always have fun hugs u :)_

_oh, as long as this authors note is getting (im shutting up soon i promise...) i guess a recap is needed so here we go:_

__

He was wrong; she had been no where near crying.

It was triumph.

Grim, tainted triumph that filled and consumed her entire being and set the blood in her veins on fire from the warped excitement of it.

She had fooled him… _him_, the great copy-nin!... and was now free to deal with the real situation without any interference – for the moment. She knew she would have to watch what she said and how she acted for a while around him, but she found that she felt lighter. The one person who would have cared… who would have stepped in… who would have complicated everything because of (what she suspected was) his own misguided sense of duty was now suitably placated. She breathed a sigh of relief.

The thought that he was proud of her for something she knew wasn't true; for abstaining from something that she knew in a matter of hours she would be doing again brought her down into the depressing depths of her mind like quicksand. She knew, now that he believed her, she was alone in the situation she woke up to this morning.

But she fought the sinking feeling and pushed that thought aside to focus on her triumph, on the fact that she had succeeded in the first part of her new mission. That thought gave her hope that she could do the rest as well. She _could_ handle this. Her thoughts flew to the many sharp things in her house with renewed desire that she thought she had buried and that _His_ reappearance had dug up again.

She smiled, her mind replaying one of the many thoughts that seemed to follow her around lately.

'_Whatever gets me through the day I will welcome.' _

_onwards people :)_

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 19: Moths

Walking down the silent hallway and fervently thanking whoever it was that invented lunch breaks – or maybe the one who made the rule that they be enjoyed outside – Sakura tried to think of ways to kill time until her next class began while being as close to ecstatic as it was possible for her to be right now about the completely deserted hallway and the remnants of her triumph.

She walked as slowly as she could, still at a loss as to what to do for the remaining twenty minutes. She did not want to be around people, she'd almost prefer to go home than that… and that was the last thing she wanted to do. But because Kakashi had kept her back for their little _chat_ she now had just enough time to be bored out of her mind and not enough to be able to remedy the problem.

Her mind flickered to thoughts about the class that morning, a notable absence that she hadn't picked up on at the time making her pause and think harder.

Gaara hadn't been there.

With nothing else to occupy her mind, Sakura went to her locker and sat down on the ground with her back against it, wondering vaguely why he wouldn't have been in class.

She rested the back of her head against the cold steel behind her and let her thoughts wander aimlessly through her head. She hadn't brought lunch today (food had been the last thing on her mind when she had left the house that morning). She wasn't particularly hungry though. This surprised her because she realised she couldn't remember the last time she had eaten.

'_It wasn't this morning… that seems like so long ago now… wasn't last night either… wait when He got to the… house…' _she refused to think of it as home now and she cringed away from the word where _He _was concerned anyway, before continuing her train of thought, '_When He_ _got there… I'd gone home to get my lunch… no wonder Kakashi was worried, I never went back to school yesterday after lunch… which means the last time I ate was breakfast… yesterday… I think… I must look terrible right now… I can't believe I only just remembered, about food and Gaara and everything… hold on…' _as her thoughts started getting away from her she remembered something else.

Something that had happened when she was talking to Kakashi.

_(Flashback)_

_She held her left arm and looked sad; throwing in a small wince of pain for effect as she lightly touched her forearm, surprised but able to hide it when it actually hurt a bit, 'what the…?... damn, I'll look later.' And she pushed the thought to the back of her mind for the moment._

_(End flashback)_

As the thought re-surfaced, Sakura rolled her sleeve up, able to look now that she was away from prying eyes. As she pulled the long sleeve back from her arm she was shocked to see the worn-looking bandage around her left arm, winding from her elbow down to her wrist. Peeling it back hesitantly she instantly remembered what Gaara had said the last time they had spoken. It was only yesterday but it felt like an age ago and she wished now that she had listened to him.

_(Flashback) _

'_I'll take that as a yes then.' She continued, smiling brightly and giggling before flinching slightly as Gaara grabbed her arm and raised her sleeve to reveal the bandage. She turned to look at him to find him staring intently at it before he raised his eyes to hers._

'_You should have changed these bandages, I was in a rush last night and your arm really needs to be rebound properly.'_

'_Oh it's alright; I was in a rush myself this morning and I didn't have time but I'll do it tonight. Don't worry.'_

_(End flashback)_

'_Crap'_ was the only thought that went through her head when she thought about two nights ago when Gaara had removed copious amounts of sand from her arm, grain by grain – a form of torture in Suna (although he had done it as gently as possible). He had bound her arm but it should have been redressed that morning… it was now two days later and her arm was wrapped in the same bloodied bandages.

She knew it would hurt and tried to hold it in, but she couldn't help but whimper slightly as she pulled the gauze away from her cuts slowly. It stuck like glue as the blood had dried and bonded the material to the sensitive flesh. In the end it was taking so long and was so painful that she had to reassess her methods. She decided after a moment on a pre-approved method for this kind of thing… for a beautician… waxing…

She shut her eyes tightly and didn't pull so much as rip.

She gasped slightly as the pain lanced through her arm and every single cut that had bled (which was pretty much all of the cuts she had ever made) were re-opened forcefully.

She looked at her arm which was throbbing, the crimson liquid flowing over her skin at an alarming rate, already beginning to drip onto her clothes and swore quietly. Thinking about her previous plans for that night she smiled grimly, her eyes tight. _'Who said I needed anything sharp?'_

She sighed as she watched, dimly mesmerized, as she rested her arm against her withdrawn knees and looked closely at each cut, knowing that she had done more damage to her arm by ripping the gauze off than the bandage had healed two days ago to begin with.

'Waste of time,' Sakura muttered as she stood, referring to the many things this sentiment seemed to apply to from the last few days. Gaara removing the sand from her arm, him bandaging it afterward, going home yesterday to get her lunch, the conversation with Kakashi… _'Living in the first place …'_ she added pessimistically and half-heartedly to her mental list as she walked slowly to the girl's bathroom to clean up.

'Sakura?'

She swore quietly again. _'That's really turning into a habit isn't it?' _she thought idly as she stopped walking but didn't turn around. _'Although it's not like I don't have good enough excuses to swear I guess…'_ She knew she should be thinking of a way out of her newest predicament –_'they just keep piling up'_ – but she couldn't seem to summon the strength to care enough and her thoughts turned into an uncaring commentary of the situation instead.

She wondered if she was finally going insane. The thought made a small, grim smile come to her face as though she'd told a joke and she wondered at that too before the realisation of why she was smiling hit her full force and she felt like she'd had the wind knocked out of her. _'Oh no, I'm becoming like Him… I'm going insane just like Him! And I'm so far gone I think its funny!'_

A part of her knew it wasn't rational in the least but the idea made her starved, exhausted mind whirl and made her slightly hysterical. She stifled a gasp, unthinkingly with her left hand, as she felt her legs trembling and an intense pain pierce her stomach.

Everything had abruptly become too much to handle.

Fear, fatigue and lack of food made her knees hit the ground with a thud and more pain registered in her mind sharply because of it.

'Sakura?!'

The all-too-familiar voice behind her was panicked now. _'funny,' _she thought vaguely as she felt her consciousness slipping, though she held on with everything she had and fought off the black dots suddenly dancing across her vision, _'panic makes his voice sound so unfamiliar… I wonder what's wrong… must be bad…' _

The black dots abated for a moment and she used the brief respite to turn her head and look at who had been calling to her, wondering why he seemed so frightened and sure that she should probably be feeling quite unnerved by his uncharacteristic reaction. Nothing ever fazed him, what could be so bad?

But she was too numb… too far gone to feel anything anymore. So when she turned her eyes upwards and on the approaching Uchiha they were vacant and only a little tinged with distant curiosity at his panic. The dots returned with alarming force and she couldn't withstand this new assault. She was vaguely aware of him sinking fluidly to his knees in front of her, though she couldn't see around the growing black areas in her vision to see his face clearly. She remembered her earlier words through the haze in her mind, _'Waste of time'_ and succumbed to the darkness.

* * *

He had seen her at the end of the hallway, almost at the girl's bathroom, and seen her faltering, making slower and slower progress as she continued walking. He had been hoping to catch her at some point through the day to make sure she was alright after the way she had looked that morning in class, so he'd called out to her.

She had stopped but to his intense surprise she hadn't turned. She was still for a moment, from this distance he was unable to hear anything, and suddenly she was collapsing.

The echoing thud of her knees as they hit the ground painfully made him flinch.

He called out to her again, too shocked for a moment to move before taking long strides down the hall towards her, trying not to run. He reached her quickly and she turned her head to look up at him with dead eyes that even managed to make _him_ shiver.

He knelt quickly in front of her, their eyes almost level; hers never leaving his as though she was hypnotized. He quickly looked down and saw that she was loosely grasping her arm to her chest, blood blossoming from it and covering her quicker than he would have thought possible, sluggishly killing her.

His eyes widened and lingered on her arm for a moment, assessing it quickly and deciding it needed to be seen to as quickly as possible. He looked back up to her face and noticed with a sharp intake of breath that her pale face had streaks of blood on it, the effect making a strange sensation twist in his stomach. No matter how slight, he hadn't felt that twinge of fear for a long time. There was something else too, in the sickening pull of his stomach, something he couldn't put his finger on and didn't have the time to either, so he pushed the thought to the back of his mind for later examination.

Her eyes were half lidded and she was swaying ever so slightly, first one direction then another, a delicate flower in a non-existant breeze.

He had little warning when she suddenly fell sideways, her eyes sliding closed completely. He grabbed her shoulders before she hit the floor and slipped his other arm under her knees which had straightened as she fell. He had wanted to catch her today but this wasn't what he'd had in mind. Lifting her effortlessly – more effortlessly than the last time, he noted with a pang of concern, realising it meant she weighed less than she did three days ago – he stood easily with her in his arms and stopped for a moment, wondering where to take her.

Luckily everyone else was outside still, enjoying their lunch and free-time before their next classes so he didn't have an audience. He remembered Sakura's arm a second later and was doubly thankful for the lack of prying eyes in the deserted hallway. He wasn't sure if it would look more like he was saving her or had just murdered her and was ditching the body.

After a moment of indecision in which Sasuke glanced down at Sakura's face as though wondering if she had any ideas, he decided to take her to his own house. He obviously couldn't leave her here and he was sure that if he turned up at her house this way and her mother or father were there, they might wonder what the Uchiha kid had done to their daughter.

Leaving her with the school nurse wasn't an option, he needed to get to the bottom of this and it was clear that Sakura didn't want whatever was happening with her to be public knowledge either.

Gripping her limp form to his body tighter, Sasuke checked the large front doors of the school for any students who had decided to go home for lunch or hang out in front of the school and, shielding Sakura with his body as much as possible from the few students he could see bunched together around the entrance, he slipped unnoticed through the doors and walked swiftly off of the school grounds and towards his house.

* * *

Once out of sight of the school, Sasuke moved faster, deciding to jump through trees and across rooftops instead of going by the street to avoid unwanted attention. Leaves, concrete and roof tiles all passed in a blur as his worry mounted. Flitting as silently as a ghost, his footing perfect despite the ever-changing surfaces, Sasuke contemplated the several thoughts fighting in his mind for dominance.

The first was the most urgent and occupied his thoughts for most of the short journey to his apartment – why was Sakura hurt and how badly?

His face twisted into an unfamiliar mask of concern when he looked down every few seconds and noticed the smear of blood on her ever-paling face, or her arm, still loosely held to her chest, pouring blood constantly onto her clothing and creating mental images in Sasuke's head that he knew would always be there, haunting him when he let his guard down. The blood pooled on the dense cloth covering her chest and ran onto Sasuke's clothing; staining them both and making his stomach lurch at the knowledge that he was now covered in her blood.

He reached his apartment faster than he ever had from the school before, which was saying something because he had rushed back to his apartment many times, but for a different reason. Those fan-girls could really run. The thought made him snigger briefly as he thought of the lengths he had gone to (and had been forced to go to) to get away from the many girls in the village who seemed obsessed with him. The snigger quickly faded into a frown as he considered the fan-girl in his arms.

He had been jumping mostly from rooftop to rooftop and eventually made the well-practiced leap from the rooftop of the building next door, to his apartment's bedroom window. He climbed over the windowsill and shielded Sakura's head carefully to make sure it didn't get hit. Once inside he turned and, holding her weight with one arm, he used the other to pull the window shut and the curtain closed, muting the light and causing a soft, deep blue hue to fall over his room.

Sasuke kept cradling Sakura in the crook of one arm as he crossed his room and pulled his thick quilt back before placing her gently on his bed. His room was fairly plain, the only colours in it being the deep blues of the curtains and walls and the black of his desk and chair in one corner of the average-sized room, the wardrobe in the opposite corner and the sheets, blankets and pillows on his bed also black. The deep blue light cast over the room from the sunlight filtering through his curtains added a sense of quiet peacefulness to the room, reminding Sasuke briefly of why he liked it here. It was one of the only places he liked to be alone in and could have some peace while soaking up the calming atmosphere, able to just sit and think.

He looked at Sakura lying so helplessly on his bed and felt the strange tug pull at his stomach stronger than ever, an unnamable emotion trying to get out, before he looked at her face again and the tug turned fierce. He mentally berated himself before leaving the room quickly to find the medical supplies he kept in his bathroom. He made sure they were always extensive and well-stocked but he never thought he would be using them for this.

Returning to his room he set the equipment down on the carpet next to his bed and knelt beside it, his face level with Sakura's as it lay on the pillow facing the ceiling. He took a moment to look at her face like he had three days before when he had pulled her from the water. The difference was staggering.

Her lashes still caressed her cheeks but her cheekbones had risen slightly as the skin was drawn back over them and the area underneath appeared hollow. Her skin was still smooth but more pale than it had been and somehow more delicate looking, like it could tear so easily. Too easily. He noticed the way the corner of her mouth seemed to naturally turn down now, making her look permanently unhappy, the opposite of who she had been. _'Seems so long ago now that she was happy… and she was… naturally, a happy person… what happened…?'_

Still deep in thought, Sasuke turned to the bowl of warm water he had just set down and picked up a cloth he had retrieved from the bathroom. Submerging the cloth in the water completely before wringing it out over the bowl to make sure it wouldn't drip, Sasuke delicately moved Sakura's arm on the bed so that it was facing upwards and would be accessible to him but not uncomfortable for her, before dabbing the cloth at her wrist lightly.

He did this once and then stopped to see if she would react at all, judging her alertness.

She didn't even twitch.

Sasuke thought this was strange, but it wasn't the strangest thing he had seen that day and he was being extremely gentle, it was possible she was just too far under to register his light touch. He scoffed at his terrible excuse and pushed the ever-mounting worry over Sakura's state of health away, focusing instead on removing the blood that was rapidly congealing on her arm even as it continued to pour out of it.

He wanted to know what had caused so much blood loss and what kind of injury could possibly be sustained from a mission or an accident at home that would have wounded her arm so badly and in such a strange place on her body.

Slowly the mingled flakes of the dry blood and the still flowing crimson of the liquid that was quickly being diluted by the damp cloth came away from Sakura's skin. The rusty, coppery smell filled Sasuke's nose, creating even more unpleasant memories to haunt him in future as it accompanied the sight of the water in the bowl rapidly staining from Sakura's blood when he plunged the cloth in the first time. It didn't take long but by the time Sakura's arm was clean the water was so discoloured he couldn't see the bottom of the shallow bowl.

He was beginning to get annoyed at the periodic twinges the sight of her blood caused in the pit of his stomach.

Sasuke ran the dampened cloth over her skin once again, the unclean water creating a rosy sheen over her skin before he used another cloth, dry this time, to gently wipe away the water and see the wounds clearly.

Sasuke wasn't stupid. He knew immediately what kind of cuts these were, so straight and controlled, perfectly parallel to each other, having seen and heard of many a broken ninja found after a particularly bad mission with these exact kinds of scars running up their arms, legs – any accessible area which would bleed and be easily covered. Usually they weren't found _breathing_, whether from a conveniently placed rope around their neck or a purposely excessive amount of drugs in their system, or simply of blood loss from the cuts themselves, whether accidental or purely for the purpose of ending their life.

He felt sick. And, for the first time in a very long time he felt really frightened.

He couldn't fathom why Sakura – sweet, kind, apparently well-adjusted, _happy _Sakura – would do this, and why nobody had noticed… why _he _hadn't noticed. He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed. But then… all those times, in the last few weeks especially… he seemed to always be worried or suspicious when it came to Sakura lately and now he knew why.

Suddenly the very recent memory of Sakura half drowned, dripping wet and barely breathing exploded into his mind and he felt another wave of shock hit him harder as he saw the memory through new eyes… he had thought she was going to drown… he had saved her… she had said she had simply fallen asleep and was washed away… could he still believe that?

He gazed at the gaunt, sickly pale face of his teammate… his friend… although he doubted she knew he thought that… and his first question, the one that had occupied his mind the whole way home from school was all he could think of… why would she do this in the first place?

He didn't know how long he sat and simply stared, alternately between her face and her arm, contemplating how this could have happened… completely unnoticed… before eventually deciding it was time to bandage her arm.

He wasn't sure what had happened but somehow it looked as though she had made all of the cuts at the same time, and yet he knew no matter what she did or how she acted she wasn't stupid, (_'although her recent actions call that into question too'_, he thought, slightly angry now with concern). Even so, she wouldn't really have done all of this sitting against her locker with twenty minutes left of lunch. And he hadn't found anything sharp in her hand or near her so he was at a loss as to how she had managed it.

He would have to ask her when she woke up. He had already made his decision about that. She wasn't going anywhere until he knew what was going on with her.

Slowly Sasuke held her arm and taped a long strip of gauze over the cuts before weaving the bandage over and under her arm, binding it gently but securely.

He was checking his handiwork, making sure it wouldn't come off and wasn't cutting off her circulation either when he noticed a pair of very hazy, very green and very open eyes watching his movements.

She hadn't made a sound and he wasn't sure how long she had been awake and watching him for, her uncharacteristic silence (especially in his presence and under such circumstances) reminding him of the very important conversation they would need to have and the huge amount of differences he could now see so clearly in Sakura and wondered at how he had ever managed to miss. He could see himself in the dead look of her eyes and it scared him.

'Sakura?' Sasuke asked softly after a moment of silence. He wasn't entirely sure she was fully conscious. Her eyes were open but the dead look could have been the same as the one he had been seeing for weeks or the result of the blood loss. For her part, Sakura was more than a little confused. She had been in the hallway at school hadn't she? Leaning against her locker and pulling off her bandage… no… walking, well stumbling, towards the girl's bathroom to clean up… and she had heard Sasuke… he'd sounded so panicked.

She remembered now that she should have been scared before, the feeling rising belatedly but full-force nevertheless and she suddenly sat up, startling her and Sasuke, making him jump slightly and creating the largest bout of dizziness she had had for a long while.

Her head seemed to swim for awhile, fear forgotten for a moment, and she felt a hand on her shoulder, pushing her back down as her head swayed in time with the current in her mind. She heard a quiet chuckle, and she too was reminded by the similarity of this situation to that of a few days ago and her first of many near-death experiences that falling asleep by the river had caused and that Sasuke's appearance had narrowly prevented.

She realised after a moment that her head was back on the pillow and thought it best to leave it there, instead deciding to simply turn it, trying to make the movement as small as possible so as not to provoke the strange mental current from washing her brain away, to look at Sasuke.

'W-what happened?' She rasped, wondering why her voice sounded so odd. A lot of things seemed to be odd today actually. Upon reflection and a brief scan of her surroundings (including Sasuke's face) she felt quite disconnected from her body because of the complete lack of familiarity in… well, anything. It was disorienting. She was in a room she had never seen before, on a bed she had never seen (or felt) before, and looking at a face she had never seen wearing such an emotion. And she had no idea how any of it had happened.

Her head spun sickeningly again.

'Quite a bit happened, and not all of it I can explain.' Sasuke replied, still quiet, as his eyes were directed pointedly at her arm which lay on the bed between them.

She looked down and found her arm covered in new crisp, white bandages. She cursed her sluggish brain as she blurted the first thought that entered her otherwise bereft mind.

'Oh yeah, never got to that part.' She said, remembering slowly when she had ripped off the old, bloodied bandage (painfully) against her locker, obviously intending to re-bandage it and wondering how she came to be here instead.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow incredulously. _'As if the situation wasn't bizarre enough'_ he thought, _'she's either insane or this is just the blood loss talking… or a bit of both' _he reflected on her now obvious recent behavior grimly.

A moment too late Sakura realised several things that hit her hard.

Sasuke knew at least one of her secrets and he definitely wasn't going to be as easy to fool as Kakashi had been if it came to that… she only got away with that because she manipulated Kakashi's emotions… Sasuke had none to manipulate as far as she was concerned (_'if he cares enough to need an explanation… highly doubtful, but still… he does like to meddle…_)

She was alone with Sasuke, and a quick inspection of her surroundings revealed what would pass quite easily for his bedroom. The colours suited him. This also meant that she was, in effect, sleeping in his bed (and possibly leaving blood stains in it). The thought that would have brought a crimson blush so rapidly to her face a few months ago only tinged her cheeks pink briefly now before her pale complexion was back and she waited for him to say something. She had no idea what he thought or how much he knew and wasn't giving anything away. She no longer cared what he thought. Up until last night she still cared, even if only slightly, about what people thought of her, even Sasuke.

But then _He_ came back and everything had shifted. Opinions no longer mattered, her's or other's. They were irrelevant. Thinking of a way out of her situation was all that mattered now and it appeared to be a full time job needing all her efforts and attention. Her mind was a numb, desolate place when not filled with thoughts about escape from that place and that man and she couldn't bring herself to care about what anyone said or thought anymore. Especially Sasuke, who she was convinced, had no idea she existed to the point that he would probably ignore her, even if she said something to him directly… oh wait, he did. Regularly.

Her mind (more sluggishly than usual) came to these conclusions, and the silence dragged annoyingly as Sasuke sat and stared at her arm, clearly waiting in his usual stoic fashion for her to say something, '_probably a "thank you Sasuke-kun, you're my hero"'_ thought Sakura scathingly, ignoring the fact that she would have said exactly that a few months ago had she found herself in this situation, _'what a complete and utter…'_ she found a few choice words spring forth from the depths of her mind (none of them complimentary).

This startled her a second later when she remembered that, whatever his reasoning, Sasuke had gotten her here, to _his_ house and _his_ bed and taken care of her. Sakura stared at the ceiling above her as she thought all this before shutting her eyes and raising her good arm to pinch the bridge of her nose between her finger and thumb, _'One day in the same situation as before He left and I've become an absolute bitch… heh, well, He would have told me that next time he saw me anyway… I did leave the house without permission after all… and he wants me to _want_ to be with him more… well he used to… wonder if he still wants that… this is so not helping right now' _she eventually reasoned as she pinched harder, sending the tiniest bit of pain through her head as her fingernails bit into the skin.

This calmed her immensely for a second, breaking through her thoughts and emotions and distracting her from them, before she felt the lightest touch of Sasuke's fingertips over her's. She immediately loosened them in response to the warmth of his hand and opened her eyes to see him staring intently at her. Lowering her hand back to her side, his fingers stayed over the crescent shaped indentations her nails had left in her skin, his fingertips ghosting over them.

Sakura ignored the familiar feeling that she felt flutter in her stomach.

She was well used to it from those times Sasuke had spared her a look whilst talking battle strategy or a glare to tell her to leave him alone, but she hadn't felt that feeling in a long time. She guessed she no longer cared (she had bigger issues in life right now, and had for quite a while), but being here with him now, in his bed, with his fingertips brushing the bridge of her nose, she couldn't help but feel like she had swallowed several butterflies (and from the feeling they were making somewhere near her ribcage they were pissed).

She brushed the feeling away (she didn't know it, but she was much better when it came to this feeling than Sasuke, who was currently having the same problem, and no idea what the pissed off butterflies meant… though of course he didn't think of them as butterflies… they felt more like moths anyway…)

She looked into his eyes and he stared back into hers as he wished he could remove the marks she had just left on her skin… all of the marks she had ever left on her skin.

Why did she like to cause herself pain?

Remembering how easily he had thought her skin looked like it could tear, and how she had in fact been tearing at it herself, he let the concern show on his face for once. His fingers moved from her nose to briefly brush her cheekbone and the dark area beneath her eye with his thumb as she continued to watch his face unflinchingly; her's betraying none of her emotion and his, for once, showing them all. He was worried about her (amongst the myriad of other unknown emotions he was feeling… those moths were beating one hell of a drum solo against his ribcage) and he wanted to help.

The thought didn't shock him as much as he thought it would, making him realise that he had wanted to help her for a while. And not just for the team or to keep her from holding him back. He wanted to help her because he knew she'd needed it. Needed him. Needed _someone_.

He removed his hand and set it in his lap as he continued to stare at her and she stared back. Her thoughts on her recent habit of swearing had reminded her of something. She had been thinking about this habit just before she fainted too, making her remember the situation more clearly.

'You were panicked before.' Sakura said simply, almost in a whisper, although even whilst speaking so quietly she couldn't avoid the raspiness of her voice. Sasuke frowned slightly in confusion as they continued to look at each other. She continued, 'Just before I… what happened?' she asked, suddenly puzzled again by the missing pieces of memory that somehow had gotten her from her locker at school to Sasuke's bed.

'You fainted, just collapsed in the middle of the hallway,' Sasuke answered softly, his voice adding to the calming effect of the muted blue light of the room. His voice betrayed none of his discomfort at remembering how vulnerable she had looked. 'I brought you here to avoid any unwanted explanations. For both of us.' He murmured the last part but she still heard it.

She realised, covered in blood the way she was, he couldn't have taken her to anyone else without having a good explanation or they would assume he was the cause for the state she was in (considering it was a school day, he could hardly have said it was training or a mission). And she felt a sudden wave of gratitude towards him for also sparing her the need to explain her current state to anyone else.

Although that still left him, and she was sure she wouldn't be able to get away with a simple 'thanks' before she left. Either way she still felt the need to say it.

'Thank you,' she said, and she meant it.

He could hear the sincerity in her words as she looked him in the eye and thanked him. He continued to watch her, saying nothing and seeing now something else he had missed before. Without him seeing, even noticing, she had become stronger.

He knew she was stronger physically, they all were, and getting better with every training session and every mission. But he could see by looking into her eyes, meeting her unflinching gaze and seeing the determination that now sat on her features no matter what expression she wore, she was stronger. She was a stronger person. Whatever she had been through to make her hurt herself (which he was still determined to find out about) and no matter how dead to the world she had become lately, she had in that time become stronger. He wasn't sure why, but this just worried him more.

What could have happened to her that would force her to _need _to be stronger?

'Why?' Sasuke murmured. They had been looking into each others eyes for so long that Sakura felt like the image of his would be forever burned into her retina's and he had memorized every single speck of lighter and darker streaks mottling her emerald ones, reminding him of dappled green-tinged light falling in shafts between trees in the forest. He had seen them fierce and determined, alive and electric, dull and dead, sparkling with tears of laughter or sadness. He watched now as they widened. _'Surely'_ he thought as he watched her eyes flicker ever so slightly in indecision, _'Surely she had to know this question was coming.'_

She had of course; she just didn't think it would come so early in the conversation. And she wasn't prepared. She didn't know how much to tell him. What to say. Her mind, very unhelpfully, had come up with _'just tell him to talk to Kakashi'_. If she could strangle her brain she would have. _'Yup, that's helpful… what else do I say… how much do I say… I have to give him something, he'll never let up until he thinks I've said it all… or maybe he will… its not as if he cares… he said himself, he brought me here to avoid unwanted explanations for both of us… he may have done me a favour but he did himself one too, this isn't about me… he just feels like, because he patched me up this one time, he deserves to know it all, as repayment for his troubles or something equally stupid… not a chance… he didn't care before and he sure as hell doesn't now… he doesn't care, he doesn't care, he doesn't care… good… that's good… but what do I say?!'_

Sasuke watched the infinitesimally small signs as she thought hurriedly about what to say. No matter how small, he found he could read all of her emotions, every single one played across her face and he could see them all. He wondered why that was. He stopped wondering when he saw her face tighten ever so slightly, could almost hear her as she thought the same thought over and over again, convincing herself of something, before her eyes hardened and he knew this was about to get a whole lot harder.

'Why what?'

She wasn't going to make this easy for him.

Then again, he hadn't expected her too.

The moths still hadn't let up.

* * *

and there we go, chapter 19 done -- 19 has always been my favourite number so i tried especially hard on it - edited it so many times it should be perfect (spelling and punctuation-wise at least) - and i love moths too so it all worked out... because of course sasuke is far too stoic for butterflies :) -- anyway, whatcha think??

thanks so much to everyone still reading this and to those who have just started, please let me know what you think, go ahead, kick my butt into gear and make me write the next one faster :)

have fun and as always thanks for reading :)


	20. Just One More Thing

_hello all... anyone? hehe its been a little while since i last updated (hahaha) but at least this one is full of cuter things... more sasu/saku-ness, sorry for those who dont like that, and next chapter is already being written so hopefully there are a few people still interested in this fic, even after so long (and im very sorry bout that, forgive me?)... and sorry if i seem quiet (is that the word?... morbid?) - bad news today, ignore the mood of the authors notes and focus on the somewhat cuter mood of the chapter :)_

_thanks to _nomanslandvicki, Merridaine, angstar54, xteenuh102593, dailyangel, DotBrokenWings (hehehe very sorry for the lateness to you especially... dont kill me? :), Akiiya Uchiha, Lacuna Lily and Night'sBullet_ for reviewing last chapter... i hope you read this one too, though i hardly deserve the ongoing support :)_

_this ones dedicated to daily and maria, both of whom have affected me greatly, your friendships were, are and always will be very dear to me :)_

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 20: Just One More Thing

"'Why what?'" Sasuke repeated dumbly before frustration and incredulousness coloured his tone, "'Why what?!'"

Her answering smirk nearly took his breath away and several thoughts went through his head at once, _'She smirked at me! That's my move! Who does she think she is?! How can she take this so lightly?'_

Sakura could see his frustration and watched it grow with a small smile. She knew he didn't really care. So she wouldn't either. And who knew annoying him could be this much fun? To think, she had been missing out. Knowing it would incense him further she adopted an innocent look and an unknowing tone of voice.

'I don't know what you mean,' she said, trying to look politely curious, her smirk giving her away. Sasuke glared. _'This is far too much fun' _she thought as her smirk grew.

'You do not need me to spell it out,' he growled, still glaring at her and wondering when that had lost its effect. She seemed completely unfazed by the daggers he was sending her way. He didn't know it was because she had so recently faced worse. He really hoped she wouldn't continue this, he wasn't sure he was able to spell it out for her. His stomach was already clenching and unclenching around the moths; he really didn't think he could add images of her hurting herself and bleeding everywhere to the mix. He was surprised that he felt so affected by it all, by her, by the situation. He shouldn't be. He wasn't usually. He _should_ be keeping his distance. He had just forgotten why.

'You're right.' she said. Her tone startled him because she said this in the same way she had been talking before. He looked at her suspiciously. Then she continued. 'I don't need you to spell it out for me. So why were you panicking?'

She didn't need him to spell it out for her because she didn't intend on talking about it at all. His eyes rolled as her fought hard to resist saying 'I asked you first'. She read his thoughts from his reaction and smiled. Despite his frustration, Sasuke felt the moths assault his stomach again. She hadn't smiled in so long.

He shook himself quickly out of that train of thought, glowering at her, demanding cooperation with his eyes.

'I was panicking because I had just seen you covered in blood and falling to your knees in the middle of our lunch break.' He ground out between clenched teeth. He then realised what he had said, what he had admitted, and instantly felt the rush of blood fill his cheeks before her reaction drained it straight back out of his face again and his eyes widened.

'That was it?' she said disbelievingly before letting out a shaky little laugh of relief. 'And to think, I mean, you had me really worried, I thought it was something bad,' at his look of complete incredulity she rolled her eyes, 'no, _really_ bad, you know, to have had _you_ worried…' she trailed off shaking her head and smiling.

She sighed, blowing the air out in a small breath as she shut her eyes, still smiling slightly in relief, not seeing the frown blossom on his face. _'She wasn't worried. She was covered in blood, half conscious, staggering everywhere before collapsing and she wasn't worried.' _He thought, still disbelieving, realising that she must have been through worse. Done worse to herself. The thought deepened his frown as she lay with her eyes shut, oblivious to the reaction she had caused as her earlier and ever-present exhaustion started setting in once again.

'You don't think that what you did was worth someone worrying?' He asked her quietly after a moment, voice empty of emotion as he watched her reaction carefully. If she wouldn't answer him straight out he would just have to dig for the information. He had no intention of letting up either. He'd get the answers; he'd make sure of it.

She opened her eyes slowly and the smile turned sad for a moment and then fell altogether, making Sasuke's heart fall slightly with it.

'I don't think that what I did was worth you worrying.' She said evenly and with the slightest hint of condescension, as though she was explaining something that was so blindingly obvious he shouldn't have needed to ask.

They fell back into silence again, Sakura's eyes falling to the bed in front of her, grateful that her mind, for once, was blissfully empty. Sasuke continued to watch her, wondering what she was thinking as he watched her face for even the smallest movement that might give away her thoughts, though none were forthcoming.

The silence dragged and there was no change in either of their expressions. That is, until Sakura's stomach grumbled. It wasn't a loud sound, more like a pitiful whine from a dying animal, but in the silence it was deafening and brought both of them back to reality and the slightest of pink tinges to her cheeks. It was only a faint reflection of her usual blush and it quickly faded from her pale skin leaving her pallid once again.

Sasuke quickly considered Sakura's recent behaviour and the state she was in when she walked into the classroom that morning, as well as her drastic change in weight compared to only three days before. His eyes studied her face, especially the hollow look of her eyes as they slowly rose to his. They looked shadowed and haunted as they had begun to sink into her head slightly. He frowned.

'When was the last time you ate, Sakura?'

His tone left no room for argument and she bristled at the authority in it.

'_As if this is any of his business! Stupid, stuck up, stubborn… oh… bitchy again… and… I am hungry… I think… when was the last time I ate again?'_

He watched her face change slowly, contorting with anger before turning thoughtful and finally showing her slight frustration and he realised three things. His natural cold and expressionless disposition was working against him in this situation – he would have to coax her into telling him the things he wanted to know and would have to change tack to do so. He also realised that not only was she getting tired, and quite quickly too, she also had no idea of when she last ate.

He was finding this ability to read the emotions on her face like an open book extremely useful, as it told him so many things she wouldn't openly say. And Sasuke was nothing if not resourceful.

'Sakura,' his tone purposefully soft, 'have you eaten today?'

She looked at him strangely and he figured he probably knew why. He was never this gentle when he spoke and it made her suspect him. That hurt. It wasn't so long ago that she would have melted on the spot had he spoken to her like that. Now it only made her suspicious because it clearly told her that he wanted something… even though he did in a sense as he wanted answers, but that was beside the point.

Her thoughts had finally kicked into gear and she wondered why he wanted to know her eating patterns, but she simply couldn't think around the fatigue that fogged up her mind any longer. So instead she shook her head. She instantly wished she hadn't as she felt a sickening swish in her mind and closed her eyes to wait it out.

After a moment, when her head had cleared somewhat, she opened her eyes again and saw that Sasuke was watching her just a closely as before, looking slightly concerned.

'Ok,' he said even softer than before, and in the new haziness surrounding her, Sakura realised that she actually liked the sound. 'Do you remember if you ate yesterday?'

He watched her face scrunch up in thought as she tried to remember, clearly having trouble through the fatigue that this conversation was adding to, and something in his chest fluttered annoyingly. The corner of his mouth turned upward slightly as he thought of a single word he never would have thought he'd use… even in his mind. 'Cute………… what the hell?!'

Instantly a scowl twisted his features as he wondered where that word had come from and why, _why_ had he just associated that word with Sakura. Why was he doing all of this? Why did he need the answers he was seeking at all? The possible implications were huge and he refused to examine them right now, it wasn't the time he reasoned.

Sakura looked at him and saw his frown, wondering what she could have done or said in the last few seconds to cause it, forgetting for the moment that she didn't care anymore.

'Sasuke?' She murmured uncertainly. He looked at her. The suffix he had grown so used to was more noticeable now in its absence and he realised he cared. He also realised, too late, that he was frowning at her and his face instantly softened.

'Sorry, just thinking. So did you remember?'

Sakura knew he was changing the subject and that clearly something was bothering him but she couldn't think any further than that so she instead turned her head, about to shake it, before quickly vocalizing her answer instead – she wasn't about to shake her head again.

'No, I didn't eat yesterday. Or the day before that. I honestly can't remember the last time I ate.'

She was clearly getting worn out from the conversation now; they had been talking since she woke up. Her eyes were half lidded and her voice growing quieter every time she spoke. Sasuke could also tell it was getting harder for her to think because she had lost the angry edge to her words and with her last statement came an apologetic look. She thought he was angry with her for not knowing. She cared.

He thought for a second about using this to his advantage to find out more about why she had acted the way she had for the past few months, but as soon as the thought entered his mind he shoved it away. As if he could do that. He stopped mid-thought. He could do that. He had always been able to do that. To anyone. No matter what. Taking advantage of a situation was something he had never shied away from. So why now?

He came back to reality to realise that Sakura's eyes had closed completely, and he could have hit himself. This simply wasn't time for inner monologues and turmoil. He needed to regroup. And make some food for her.

* * *

Sasuke had been systematically checking on Sakura all day, so often he had lost count. He was out of his depth here, never entirely sure what he should be doing. As a result he hadn't gotten much done between thinking about Sakura's situation, deliberating what he should do about it all and checking on her to make sure her sleep remained undisturbed.

Upon leaving his room and after their conversation, he had walked aimlessly around his apartment, not knowing what to do with himself and not realizing at the time that he had a huge splash of blood across his chest and stomach. He had decided eventually and as though in a daze of his own that he would make them both some food, but after preparing to cook something special he remembered how long it had been since Sakura had eaten and he thought better of it. He knew her stomach would be sensitive – _'like the rest of her'_ he thought wearily – so it would be better to go for something simple. He decided this as he watched her from the doorway, as though he was soundlessly asking her opinion. She remained oblivious. He frowned as he noticed her shallow breathing. It seemed almost painful.

He had then gone back to the kitchen to prepare some rice, thinking of simply making plenty of rice balls and some tea – simple enough that it shouldn't upset her stomach but by making a lot, he thought, he could also try to help her put some of that weight back on. She seemed very uninterested in her health, so he would just have to make sure it was taken care of. Make sure she was taken care of. The latest thought had automatically sent him back to check on her again.

Having assured himself once again that she was ok for the moment, he had been heading to the kitchen but stopped mid-stride and changed direction. Heading to his bathroom he instantly pulled off his shirt. He had forgotten about earlier events but as soon as he remembered he realised he couldn't stand the thought of being covered in Sakura's blood any longer. Turning on the shower he undressed quickly and stepped into the stream of hot water. Too hot, but he didn't care. He wanted to boil away the feeling of her blood on him. The idea made his stomach twist and images appear in his mind. Memories not a day old of Sakura, in his arms, bleeding. He hoped he never saw that again.

He knew the probability that he would was enormous. They were shinobi. It would be stupid to think otherwise. But he would expect it then. Out in the forest somewhere, fighting enemies. It wasn't even that, he reasoned, even that was too naïve. It was the fact that when it came down to it, he expected things like that to happen only when he could be there to protect her. And finally he had the answer to the question he had been asking himself. This was why he needed to know the reason behind why she had done what she did to herself. Why scars littered her arms and why she didn't care that she lost consciousness from blood loss, fatigue and starvation through their lunch break. He might not be able to protect her as much as he was slowly discovering he wanted to, but this he could do. He would help in the ways he could. He couldn't stand the thought of being covered in her blood a second time.

He realised he had taken longer than he had wanted to in the shower and that Sakura could have woken from the sound of the running water, but when he checked, she was still very much asleep.

* * *

Having made a very simple meal of rice balls and a pot of green tea which he hoped would relax her a bit and allow her to heal; he put the food on a tray and carried it into his room. Sakura was exactly as he had left her so many hours before, dead to the world, looking peaceful and ethereal with her pink hair haloing her pale face. He was loath to wake her but she needed to eat. She could always sleep again afterwards. The thought made him momentarily pause. Did he expect her to stay with him? Thinking on it he realised with a slight shock that he wouldn't mind; he would be happy to keep an eye on her. But instantly he wanted to reject this side of him, the side that cared (especially to this degree) and it made him think again of the implications of his feelings. With is personality, way of life and future ambitions, were any kind of feelings he had the right thing for either of them?

Her current situation also made him think of her parents. He tried to remember what he knew of them, fragments of past conversations, introductions, memories; anything he could grasp at seemed to swirl out of reach in his head like wisps of smoke. Finally he remembered a time he had caught a glimpse of Sakura at the markets one morning with a woman so alike and affectionate to her that she could only have been her mother. He then focused on memories of her father.

Something vague in the back of his head told him that her father had been a shinobi and had died… no, disappeared a long time ago. Sasuke had researched past missions in an effort to ready himself for shinobi life amongst other things and vaguely remembered the results of that particular mission. Her father had disappeared along with his teammates. Not died, but disappeared. It was mysterious at the time but the hype had long since worn off and nobody appeared interested in it anymore.

Not even Sakura, Sasuke mused, as he placed the tray on the ground next to the bed and sat gently on the edge, next to the comparatively tiny lump under the blankets that was her body. She had cocooned herself in the blankets, her face small and pale amidst the soft fabric and Sasuke wondered if her sleepless nights were due to uncomfortable bedding. He doubted it but he had no idea of the true reason. It was just one more thing he didn't know about her.

He wished he didn't have to wake Sakura but at the same time he knew how painfully thin she had become and wanted to fix it. Still, she looked so comfortable and warm in her sleep, unconsciously opening up more than she ever would when awake as her naturally trusting personality shone through while she dreamt.

Hating himself for it, Sasuke reach over slowly and loosely grasped Sakura's shoulder before squeezing lightly. In the softest voice he could ever recall using he almost whispered to her.

"Sakura, time to wake up Sakura" He felt a sense of relief at seeing her eyes flutter open and simultaneously wondered why. It almost scared him to think that some part of him hadn't expected her to wake up, though considering the way she was looking lately it wasn't unreasonable.

She stared at him silently through vague, unblinking eyes. He began to wonder if she was actually conscious.

"Sakura? How are you feeling?"

She continued to stare and he could feel the worry beginning to eat away once again at his steadily fraying nerves; he had worried too much today. The thought made him sigh inwardly. Eventually she blinked.

"Hi." She said in her quietest, smallest voice. The ghost of a smile graced Sasuke's features.

"Hi." He replied, his smile becoming slightly more apparent, "I made you some food, figured you might like something to eat considering how long it's been since your last meal."

His voice was still his own, unemotional and monotonous but there was a warmth to the silky sound now. She was slightly surprised at how much he was talking, especially when she didn't feel in the mood to talk at all. Her first thought upon waking up was of her mother and father; both completely different subjects, both causing enough anxiety to make her instantly shut down for a few minutes when her body couldn't take the stress.

She broke out of her reverie to find Sasuke staring at her with more open emotions on his face than she could ever remember seeing there (one emotion had always seemed like too many for Sasuke), until she remembered the situation before she had fallen asleep. He was being so good to her. She didn't deserve it at all. When she answered with a tiny voice and a one word reply she wondered vaguely if that was the reason he said so little as her tired eyes struggled to stay focused. She suspected it must be a combination of physical exhaustion from lack of sleep and fear as well as the fatigue her starvation seemed to cause.

Sasuke had realised, from watching her face and from experience that when someone didn't feel like speaking, sometimes the best thing to put them at ease was for someone else to do the talking for the both of them. He wasn't sure he would be able to do it, he hardly bit out more than monosyllabic responses and only when forced, but he'd try. He ignored the slowly shrinking voice in his mind that asked him why he was.

"So," he continued in his softest, smooth voice "I've got some rice balls and some hot, green tea if you're interested." He felt almost weird saying the words, especially the last part of the sentence. If ever he had said "if you're interested", he was sure he had said them either angrily or in his usual monotone, giving the words a completely different meaning. He still sounded monotonous but both Sasuke and Sakura recognized the underlying hint of something else. Kindness? Concern?

This only fueled Sakura's gratitude and the slowly growing sense of guilt that his actions were creating in her. But her emotions were unstable and kept changing without warning. The feelings she felt now, the ones that told her she didn't deserve anything at all, seemed to have been increasing in the last few days. Especially since the addition of a stay-at-home dad, she reflected bitterly. She pushed it to the side of her mind for later reflection. Her increasing hunger and ever-present exhaustion made it hard to think. It also broke down many of her defenses and she had once again forgotten that not only was he not supposed to really care, but that she wasn't supposed to either. He was drawing her out of her shell and neither had noticed.

Sasuke noticed how she had momentarily spaced out and waited patiently until she tuned back in. It was to be expected with the stress her body had been put through that her mind would be unfocused. It amazed him slightly that she was as lucid as she was; he hadn't given her enough credit over the years. She was stronger than he realised.

Her eyes flickered and he knew she was focusing on him again.

"Would you like some tea first?" he asked softly, keeping his voice low, "you'll need to be careful not to eat or drink too fast or else it will make you sick."

At her small nod and after the tiniest hesitation, Sasuke gently helped Sakura into a sitting position and held a cup of the warm tea up, supporting her hands with one of his as she shakily held it and sipped once before drinking deeply. It was only a small amount but it still surprised Sasuke at how fast she finished it.

Wordlessly putting the plate of rice balls on top of the blanket which now lay flat on the bed between them, both Sasuke and Sakura took one. Sasuke hadn't eaten yet, wanting to wait until Sakura had. He was hungry by now as it was dinnertime and they had both missed lunch, but Sasuke knew Sakura had missed many more meals than that so he ate absentmindedly whilst keeping a careful eye on her. She ate dejectedly, though a little quick for his liking. She only took a few fast mouthfuls however before she stopped.

He lowered his food as well, watching her warily. She sat for a moment as though deep in thought. In reality she was just getting used to the feel of eating and having food inside of her again. It felt a little strange after so long, like a heaviness settling over her stomach. It wasn't comfortable. She noticed that when she brought her food back up to her mouth Sasuke followed suit, still watching her. If she were any less tired she knew she would have felt self conscious but as it was she just took another small bite and chewed slowly.

She tried to hide the first twinge of pain she felt with the rice ball, holding it slightly higher to cover the unavoidable wince. The twinges began to spread through her stomach though, until she couldn't hide the pain and it betrayed her, unfurling across her face. Sasuke had noticed the first twinge and had expected as much – she hadn't been taking care of herself for so long and she hadn't eaten in days. What he didn't expect was for her to double over in pain, haphazardly dropping the rice ball onto the plate where it fell apart, the white crumbling away. She quietly hissed.

She was thinking of the most recent situation to cause her pain. Him. He had held her up by her neck; she could still feel the constriction in her chest and had found it harder to breathe ever since. She wondered if that would go away eventually. He had also done several things to make her stomach twist and turn. Her body had shut down due to pain and fear then, leaving her unconscious, and the stress and exhaustion was culminating quickly now into something altogether worse than the bruises she had continued to hide from Sasuke with the now wearing make-up.

She hadn't eaten in so long that her body was rejecting the simple food which in all honesty she knew she had probably eaten too quickly in her hunger.

Now she sat, doubled over with her eyes tightly shut and her arms twisted around herself. She tried vainly to stop the pain and the increasingly uncomfortable sick feeling that was spreading through her, making her shiver and sweat simultaneously, as a single tear squeezed past her lashes from the discomfort.

Sasuke noticed her face turning the most alarming shade of white and swore to himself quietly, before half pulling and half lifting Sakura from the bed and steering her towards the bathroom, her continuous shaking shot through her entire body and alarmed him more. Once there, she emptied the infinitesimal amount of food she had actually consumed from her stomach forcefully. The cup of too quickly drunk tea tinged with the slightest bit of crimson went with it as her body's convulsing weakened until only her stomach muscles were left to feebly spasm. With nothing else in her, she tried to stop retching, knowing that only blood and the fluids her already dehydrated body needed would come up now. The cold tiles of the floor made her shiver even more.

As she was, Sakura felt like crying but was too weak to summon the strength to do so. Sasuke, supporting her so her trembling body wouldn't collapse wanted to. She began to feel the pull of unconsciousness and slipped gratefully into it, her shivers never ceasing. Sasuke had little warning when she suddenly went limp in his arms – again – and he was quick to scoop her up and carry her back to his room. He grabbed a bowl after finding her forehead quite hot despite her shivering and filled it with cool water before dipping another cloth in, wringing it out and placing it on her forehead.

If she had a fever it was only slight, but she was so weak and dehydrated that anything could quickly escalate and she felt hot enough to the touch despite the constant shaking that he briefly considered getting help. His first thought was Kakashi but all thoughts abruptly left his head when Sakura opened her eyes. He was losing count of the amount of times she had woken up in his bed that day. She must be getting used to it he thought vaguely, noticing with dismay that her reaction time was slower, though her sight seemed slightly clearer.

"Sorry." She muttered hoarsely, having spotted Sasuke. He gave her an odd look.

"Don't be stupid" he said softly as he changed the cloth on her head, discreetly feeling her forehead which was already cooler than it had been.

"I should go, I'm causing you so much trouble," she said quietly, her voice still scratchy.

He would have laughed at her had he not been preoccupied with being so concerned.

"It isn't your fault you were sick, and it's no trouble."

Now she could have laughed, though she was smart enough not to try it. He read the look in her eyes however and stopped what he was doing to look back into hers intensely.

"Really, no trouble."

He could tell she still dismissed what he said. He let it go and poured a cup of the now lukewarm tea.

"It will help your throat," he explained as he lifted it to her lips, her hands not bothering to try to guide it as they wouldn't be able to support any weight and the effort would have had them shaking, "it might also settle your stomach a bit… though, you might want to drink it slower this time." he added as an afterthought with a wry smile.

She only managed to drink half the cup, the few mouthfuls large enough to be tiring, though small enough not to exacerbate her stomach further. She slipped almost immediately back into sleep.

"We'll try eating again later," Sasuke muttered to himself, watching her slightly more restless sleep as her stomach pained her, causing her to wince every so often. Her breathing did the same. He spared a glance for her bandaged arm, noticing with no small amount of relief that despite the recent action her bandages had not come undone and that they wouldn't need replacing. He honestly hadn't realised how sick she really was. How fragile and breakable… how broken she seemed to be. It made his heart ache. He hadn't noticed. He had been completely oblivious to it all.

The thought made him wonder briefly if Naruto or Kakashi had any deep dark secrets of their own (that he didn't already know about). He guessed everyone did to an extent, he certainly had a few, but Sakura's was quite a bit more dangerous right now.

He replaced the cloth on her head with another, this time having placed his entire palm on her skin first to gauge its temperature and finding her only a little clammy. He hadn't wrung the cloth out as much as he thought and caught a stray drip as it trailed over her temple, down her cheek and finally down the soft skin of her neck. Brushing a cloth over the drip quickly, he was surprised to find a large amount of make-up come away from her skin with the fabric. He hadn't realised she was wearing any. Brushing the dampened cloth over her neck again and removing the last of the make-up he couldn't stifle the gasp that escaped him. The bruise in the exact shape of a large thumb print was unmistakable.

* * *

_please ignore any of sasuke's ooc-ness - i find it hard to make people sound cold for some reason, but i tried :) _

_i should feel bad for leaving it there shouldnt i? at least i'll update sooner than last time, especially considering i have most of the next chapter written already. i would love reviews from anyone who is still the least bit interested in this story :) - like ive said before, i will definitely finish it, it just might take me awhile - reviews will let me know how much harder i should be working on it though... and they make me happy :) _

_and even if its to tell me the chapter was horrible or they are going to hunt me down and kill me (and leave suspiciously placed oreos at the scene :) i would really love to hear from you :)_

_thanks so much for reading, have fun :) _


	21. Learning A Lesson

_Hello people :) - been awhile (though not as long as last time so yay :)_

_thankyou so much to _xteenuh102593, Night'sBullet, dailyangel, elfenknight, starlit.kiss7, nomanslandvicki, Merridaine, otaku-freak-16, YuKiOnA-Ga, Raynebow-NinjaChick, Ogami Ga-chan _and_ Lacuna Lily _for such lovely, gorgeous reviews that never fail to leave me grinning (or squealing) with sheer happiness :) you really do make his story because i think i would have stopped ages ago if not for the support :) thank you so much cookies for all! :)_

_i'll be finished school in a few weeks time for the year so hopefully i'll be updating much more often - until then..._

_recap:_

_He replaced the cloth on her head with another, this time having placed his entire palm on her skin first to gauge its temperature and finding her only a little clammy. He hadn't wrung the cloth out as much as he thought and caught a stray drip as it trailed over her temple, down her cheek and finally down the soft skin of her neck. Brushing a cloth over the drip quickly, he was surprised to find a large amount of make-up come away from her skin with the fabric. He hadn't realised she was wearing any. Brushing the dampened cloth over her neck again and removing the last of the make-up he couldn't stifle the gasp that escaped him. The bruise in the exact shape of a large thumb print was unmistakable._

* * *

**Masked Happiness**

Chapter 21: Learning a lesson

He saw red. Instantly he was filled with fury. Fury and the intense wish to murder whoever had left the almost black reflection of their thumb on her pale neck. He had to remind himself several times that it could merely be an injury sustained during practice to calm himself down, though it barely worked as he knew it wasn't – no ninja injured another like that in a fight; they were too fast-paced, and especially not in team seven's practice sessions or pathetic excuses for missions. Sasuke just needed a way to calm down and considering this possibility, no matter how improbable, enabled him to control his urge to hurl something at the nearest wall.

No, this mark was left behind as a reminder of some kind. A testament to torment. He knew this wasn't her doing because of the angle of the thumb print; she wouldn't have been able to position her thumb on her own neck at that angle, let alone apply enough pressure to make a bruise that bad. The fact that he had to consider the possibility, however briefly made him glance once, almost involuntarily at her bandaged arm before looking back to the bruise.

The possibilities of what could have happened to her brought all kinds of mental images to his mind and it was through no small amount of self-control that he remained expressionless on the surface as his mind was thrown into turmoil. Sakura had been strangled. He reassured himself that she was still very clearly alive, right in front of him, but it did little to abate his fury. Seconds later, when her breathing hitched and her chest seemed to clench slightly as she winced, he realised that the mark explained this too. Of course she wouldn't have been able to breathe whilst someone was pressing their fingers into her windpipe. He growled unconsciously. His teammate, one of his friends, one of his precious people had hurt herself, starved herself, made herself sick and had been strangled and he had missed it all.

He momentarily considered waking her back up, intent as he was to find answers as to who had done this (so he could hurl _something _at his wall), before remembering her exhaustion and the fact that she was the victim in this situation. He would get to the bottom of it, but not right now. So he sat beside the bed, watching her breathe softly and reminding himself that for the moment she was safe and that he had done all he could. He quietly sighed. He hated himself for how wrong he was.

* * *

After all the excitement during the day and again at dinnertime, it was little wonder that Sasuke was exhausted. He had planned to keep watch over Sakura through the night, just in case she had trouble breathing or got sick again and for his own peace of mind. He needed to reassure himself that whoever had left their thumb print on her neck hadn't succeeded in killing her. He had to know that one of his precious people, the one lying before him, wasn't dead, or about to die – the possibility to him was terrifying.

But at some point in the early hours of the morning Sasuke had given into his exhaustion without consciously deciding to.

When Sakura woke up the next morning, purely because of a routine that her body clock clearly wasn't able to ignore (despite her complete exhaustion) it was to find her hand locked in the grasp of Sasuke's and his head and upper body resting on the bed by her stomach. She looked at him for a long time, face as devoid of emotion as her thoughts while she considered the situation briefly before dismissing it. She was comfortable. Not happy exactly, she didn't know if she was quite capable of that anymore, but she was comfortable. Sasuke's bed was surprisingly soft and as she was lying there she watched Sasuke as he slept. He looked content in sleep, his features for once showing peace.

She studied his face expressionlessly for over an hour, though she didn't realise it, before his face twitched and he mumbled something as he slowly opened his eyes. He was usually so cold and controlled in everything he did that this very normal, everyday reaction to waking up surprised her slightly.

Without lifting his head he looked blearily ahead which, from his position on the bed, was somewhere by Sakura's shoulder before he remembered everything that had happened and realised he had fallen asleep. Sakura felt him squeeze her hand and saw as he lifted his head, his eyes searching somewhat frantically for hers. She saw his surprise when he registered her staring blankly back at him. She didn't expect his hand to reach out and tentatively touch her cheek, cupping it in his hand as if it were something extremely precious and breakable.

In that moment Sasuke had forgotten himself and remembered only the mark on her neck which, with the absence of the make-up could now be seen clearly, far too clearly. He was thankful that she seemed okay this morning. Withdrawing his hand, he continued to look at her as he sat up straighter.

"How are you feeling" he asked her so quietly that the sleep still evident in his voice made it low and husky as his eyes assessed her.

"Better" she answered just as quietly. After a moment of silence Sasuke thought he might spontaneously combust, he was just too curious and could feel the anger he had felt last night simmering under the surface of his concern. He couldn't ignore the livid bruise or the way he felt it was taunting him and tainting her.

"Sakura, how did you get that bruise" he asked seriously, bluntly, not bothering with subtlety.

She looked at him puzzled for a moment before realizing his eyes were on her neck. Her hand flew to the place where she knew her bruise to be. Before Sasuke could stop her she wiped hard across the surface of it, the pain not registering in her mind as she searched for the feel of make-up that simply wasn't there anymore.

Realizing he knew and there was nothing she could do she instantly turned cold and slightly sullen. She had come too far to tell anyone about this, and if Kakashi couldn't get it out of her she wouldn't let Sasuke either. She would deal with this herself, and she would _not_ open up to Sasuke of all people. She would not be called weak.

Sasuke saw her expression and it only served to anger him more. Did she not want help?

He was silently fuming whilst contemplating what to say next. Then in a quiet voice he asked one of the questions that had been bothering him the most. He was angered beyond reason by her apparent lack of self-preservation but still, this was the worst possible thing he could've done.

"Why didn't you fight back?"

Sakura's eyes flashed dangerously. Thoughts cascaded through her mind so fast they barely registered to her as she slowly lost control. _'Fight back? Fight back?! I TRIED!'_ She could feel the frustrated scream building in her throat against her will and her eyes clouded, _'How_ _is anyone supposed to fight against that monster anyway!' _She was becoming irrational, needing to justify her weakness, _'my mum's gone! She's in trouble somewhere and I can't reach her, let alone help her... He... _That_ held me against a wall by my throat after my own miserable attempt at escape which didn't work for the exact same reason it didn't for mum… because he… he terrifies me! And despite that, despite everything… I still fucking tried!'_

The moment the words were out, Sasuke saw his mistake in her eyes. She looked pissed, absolutely furious. And upset, though he couldn't tell from her face if it was entirely at him. And under it all, very very deep, a flickering shadow behind her eyes, was fear. He could tell that fear only pissed her off more. She was trembling, there was a fire in her like he hadn't seen for months but it was for the wrong reasons.

Sakura slid her legs off the bed and moved to stand, stopped only when she felt Sasuke's hand on her shoulder, trying to keep her down. She wanted to bite it off.

"Let go of me." she said in a dangerously soft, venomous voice. After inwardly debating for a moment, Sasuke released her shoulder. _'She shouldn't leave, she shouldn't, she cant, I can't let her, she can't go, she shouldn't leave...'_, it was a constant hopeless monologue in his head. He hadn't gotten his answers, she was injured, she was sick, and he had just driven her away. He could've kicked himself. Sakura pushed herself up until she was standing, shakily at first but through sheer force of will she pushed herself to stand steady before moving to the door.

"Where are you going?"

She shot him a look of angry disbelief before she left.

* * *

Once outside Sasuke's apartment, Sakura leant against the wall exhausted as she fought for breath. She had walked out with her head held high but it had sapped her strength quickly and she already needed a rest. _'Dammit! Where do I go now?_' she thought frustrated. _'I can't exactly go home. But what else can i do? As if i was really going to stay there... what day is it? What time is it? I can't let anyone see me like this anyway. Damn, I can't believe I let myself think… even for a second that I might be able to just stay there with… no. That can't happen. It wouldn't have anyway. He doesn't like me. He doesn't care. I'm so stupid!'_

More than a little miserable, Sakura made her way home. She knew it would be beyond stupid to actually go in through the front door so she slipped around the side of her house, looking to climb the through her window. A tree stood next to the house and with the ease of practice Sakura hefted herself quickly to the topmost branches before moving along one of the thickest ones to her window. With cold, weak hands she gripped the wooden window frame and at the last moment thought better of her current course of action, deciding to avoid the situation altogether as she used the frame to launch herself upwards, onto the roof instead.

Splaying her cold, white fingers against the equally cold, white concrete of the rooftop to keep her balance, Sakura slowly stood, surveying the view. Shuffling forward, her legs not entirely under her control as the cold and lack of use made her knees shake, Sakura made her way to the edge of the rooftop, moving forward until the tips of her toes were curling instinctively over the concrete edge, her eyes remaining fixed on the horizon and the many trees and buildings blocking her view of it. She looked down.

It wasn't a particularly long way to the ground and some part of her mind told her that, were she to jump, she would live, though not unscathed. That same part of her mind registered her disappointment in the face of this fact, and how twisted it was for her to be imagining herself mangled and bloody, the way she would look if she did it. Her hands, hanging loosely at her sides twitched and her fingers curled and uncurled reflexively.

She couldn't be sure how long she stood there, imagining what would happen if she took the easy way out. She was surprised that she wanted to. It would be so easy. Her problems hadn't started with his reappearance after all. She couldn't remember the last time she had been truly happy, or a period of time when it had lasted.

Before he came back she had found release from her shortcomings by drawing her own blood. Before that he had been around. She sighed. That was so long ago and yet it was the beginning of everything. He had been around between missions and looking back through the eyes of someone who knew better, she could see those times for what they really were. He had been a terrible father. He had beaten her and her mother and they had only been happy in his absence. That wasn't love. At least she knew that now. She smiled grimly. Brilliant. She had learnt a lesson. Had it been worth it all?

No.

But there was nothing she could do about that. He had disappeared and she had resorted to taking her emotional pain out on her body. Mistake. A stupid mistake. And it had cost her. It had made her weak. Weaker. And lost people's trust. Her mother's, Kakashi's... and Sasuke's. She wondered if Naruto would hate her too. She shuddered. She had come to think of her friendship with him as her last untainted tie with another human being, he was her brother in all ways other than blood. The last innocent tie she had to someone equally innocent in nature. If she lost that, if she lost his trust, his friendship... She didn't think she could stand Naruto hating her too. She wanted to thump him half the time but she loved him... what would she do if he hated her too? She looked down again and knew the answer.

She had to try, if only to hold onto the last fragile tie she had to the last human being left in her world. She had to work on getting the others back into her life, whether by gaining back lost trust or physically bringing them back. She had to avoid the fall.

She shuddered once again before taking a shaky step backwards. Exhausted, she sank down onto her knees before collapsing sideways until her head rested on the rough, frigid surface. Maybe she could just sleep up here? Live up here? It had to be better than down there, surely. She held her knees closely to her chest, curling into a shivering ball as she thought of how, somewhere beneath her, through the rooftop and possibly a few walls he was there. Waiting, no doubt. Some predatory monster waiting in the darkness for his prey, for a victim. _'No, I'm not a victim. Never a victim. That's not me. Just... temporarily… powerless.'_ She groaned, recognising her own unconvincing denial. She had no idea what to do about him. For all her plans to get around Kakashi's probing and her determination not to tell Sasuke, Sakura didn't know how to deal with the main problem.

Her hands balled into fists around her tightly held legs. She had been skirting the biggest problem by distracting herself with the smallest because she had no idea what to do. _'How childish.'_

How weak.

She let out a soft growl. She'd fix this. Somehow. She would find a way. Save her mum.

Save herself.

She just… didn't know how. Yet.

'I'll fix this.' Sakura told herself with no real conviction.

The thought did nothing to comfort her anyway.

* * *

She had fallen asleep. She had been sure she could stay awake. The sun had been high in the sky and her various aches and pains hurt enough to keep her from any level of relaxation but as she quickly discovered upon waking, relaxation didn't matter when her body was so exhausted it couldn't maintain consciousness.

She woke to the feel of cold, hard, unforgiving cement underneath her and a warm body sitting beside her. She barely resisted the urge to scream at this realization. _'He couldn't possibly have found me up here!'_

Fighting down her panic, Sakura realised that she was still somehow in the same position she had been sitting in, and that her muscles were horribly cramped and aching. Lifting her head carefully she looked to her side and saw red in the moonlight.

"Funny place to sleep."

He didn't look at her but Sakura could tell that Gaara didn't find anything in life particularly funny, let alone her makeshift bed. She chose to ignore the comment in favour of puzzling over how she had managed to sleep for so long. The sun had been up when she'd last checked.

"You weren't in school." She stated just as blankly as he had as soon as the thought entered her mind . He looked at her then; his expression was odd and unreadable.

"Yes I was, _you_ weren't." Sakura's mind, still hazy from sleep processed this piece of information before coming to the conclusion that she must have stayed at Sasuke's longer than she thought. Thinking back on it she reasoned it was fairly obvious, she should have realised sooner.

"Oh." Was all she said blankly.

Silence.

"I see you changed your bandage finally."

Looking down blearily she muttered, "Oh yeah, that happened too."

He took in her appearance carefully, briefly considering the idea that she might be drunk or drugged. He didn't think so but it wouldn't hurt to keep a closer eye on her, he reasoned. It defeated the purpose of his presence otherwise.

As though talking to herself Sakura muttered faintly, "What time is it?" Before she sighed and put her head back on the ground, not really caring about the answer.

The silence dragged and Gaara noticed that even in the brief time he had known her, Sakura had deteriorated. It was obvious she was physically weaker but what made him take notice was her emotional state which was much worse for wear. She often spoke – she was chatty by nature – even last time they had been on a rooftop together, his rooftop that time, she had spoken much more than she was now.

She was less alert. As though she was on autopilot. Numb. He wondered why she felt the need for detachment. He had been through plenty of ups and downs (more of the latter) and knew all about detachment. He also knew how easily it could be turned on and how hard it was to turn it off. How it takes work to numb oneself emotionally but it's near impossible to undo it. He wondered if she knew this yet. If not, she would soon.

He sat under the moon with her as she drifted in and out of consciousness and contemplated what her reaction might be when she discovered how hard it was to be happy again. Of course, he mused, they would have to wait for something to actually cause her to be happy before they found out. And that, he knew from recent events - both hers and his - could take forever.

* * *

Gaara seemed quite content to sit soundlessly, motionlessly through the night. She blearily wondered, in one of her more alert moments through the night, if it was because he had had a lot of time-outs whilst growing up and the childlike nostalgia it brought back for him was too good to pass up. The thought made her, quite uncharacteristically want to giggle. Either way she was glad of the company.

At some point in the night she had stretched her legs and groaned. The hard cement underneath her had frozen her limbs and offered no gentle transition for her legs when she straightened them. She also immediately shivered. As pitiful as the warmth had been when she was rigidly holding her frozen legs to her chest, it had been warmer than this as the cool air now assaulted her unprotected legs and chest and the quakes quickly took over her aching body. If she hadn't been miserable before, she was now. Of course she was always miserable lately so she found it kind of hard to differentiate.

She had no idea where he had pulled it from or if he had had it all along, but suddenly Gaara was draping a blanket around her shoulders. She looked down with wide eyes. It was hers. It wasn't because he had left her here alone, no matter how short a time it was. It wasn't because he had been so inhumanly quick that in her semi-conscious state she hadn't noticed.

It was because he had been in that house. The house below them. He had been in the same house that he was in. The thought went straight through her, piercing as an arrow, and made her tremble more than she had been without the blanket. She noticed Gaara turn his head to her, looking at her oddly again, but she didn't have the energy to offer any kind of reassurance. Mostly because as much as she would have liked to say the opposite, she was not okay.

If she had had the presence of mind in that moment to consider the situation, she would have realised that it was probably the strangest moment after all that had happened in the past week or two for her to go into hysterics over.

She was the furthest away from okay she had ever been. '_I'm so stupid!'_ she thought as she realised as if for the first time that she couldn't tell anyone about her situation. She could have no outside help. The thought made her shake with fear. She was afraid for so many different reasons. Her mother, where was she?! She would have to face her father to find out. To have any hope of rescuing her. And she was afraid for herself. She had no idea what lengths her father would go to, what he would do to her. And she had no idea why, why he was doing any of it. And not knowing why was worse because not knowing his motivations made him unpredictable.

The thoughts went through her mind and made her shake bodily; every part of her was trembling. Gaara's gaze assessed her quaking form. Her shoulders shook and she was unconsciously rocking backwards and forwards slightly, her hands were shaking like leaves in the wind and her face was pale and frozen in a nameless expression of blank fear as her hair shook around her trembling form in pink waves that shimmered in the moonlight.

Acting on instinct Gaara drew her close with one arm, tucking her small quivering body under it and wrapping it around her as if to shelter her and ward of the cold. He held her so that she was pressed to his side and could feel his warmth through the layers of fabric between them. Whether because of the added heat or the comfort of another person being so close, Sakura calmed a bit and pressed further into his side. He was slightly surprised when she clung to him but didn't pull away.

Through the rest of the night both of them were thankful for the added warmth the other offered as the early morning hours brought with them the coldest hours of the day. Sakura clung to his side even in sleep. Gaara could tell when she was dreaming and despite the obviously serious situation he found it amusing when she mumbled unintelligibly or wriggled slightly in her sleep. He found the sound of her calm breathing against his rib cage soothing and was quite relaxed by morning. It was together in this way that they watched the sun come up.

* * *

"I have to go."

It had been so long since either of them had spoken, since any sound besides the first call of the stirring birds had split the morning air that she jumped a little. School. Of course. Or were they training today? She couldn't remember anymore. She couldn't remember what day it was, let alone what she was supposed to be doing through it. Did it matter? She certainly couldn't have cared less. She wouldn't be going anyway so she didn't think it mattered which one she would be missing.

Going to school would be stupid - she was sick. Even she knew that. Even so, if it was training, well, that would just be ridiculous, she'd have to be insane to go. She needed to eat and wash and take a day to make herself look normal again, otherwise Kakashi and Sasuke would only be further encouraged to solve her 'mystery', to find out what was wrong. What was wrong. She also needed time to right what was wrong. She knew what her next move was. She finally had the beginnings of a plan. This thought made her feel somehow lighter, filled her with purpose. She was sure that without that motivation she wouldn't have been able to stand and face this new day.

She looked up at Gaara, even managing a small but real smile. He noticed. Of course.

"Are you coming to school today?" Oh, so it was school after all. Still...

She shook her head once, though it was unnecessary, he knew the answer would be no when he asked. With a slight nod he conveyed his understanding, clearly thinking that it was probably a good idea too - she looked fairly ill - and without another word he leapt into the air gracefully, disappearing from sight as he left the rooftop.

"Showoff." She muttered, smiling when she thought she heard a faint chuckle on the breeze.

* * *

She was only here for a moment. She wouldn't need to stay. She wanted to laugh at the stupidity. Of course she wouldn't stay, she couldn't. He'd find her if she did.

She shivered. She was tiptoeing her way across the floor of her bedroom, having stealthily slipped through the window. She wanted to cry when she saw it - it was only a few days since she'd been in here but it felt so much longer and it looked it as well. The way her belongings were sprawled around, the very very fine layer of dust on some things. It reminded her of when she had last been in here and at the same time she missed it enormously. Her eyes prickled. Why couldn't her mum just be here? Why couldn't her dad have just stayed missing. She hadn't been entirely happy before but compared to the way things were now she'd love to just go back in time.

But it wasn't possible and the reason she was here seemed to scream at the complete impossibility that was her life returning to normal. She was here to find and pack as many of her (essential) belongings as she could, because she couldn't stay here.

She moved to her wardrobe as quietly as she could manage. This, she supposed, made training worthwhile at least; though she doubted the reason behind so many shinobi's existence was because each of them were avoiding their fathers... if so then a lot of people had some major issues. Like her. Dammit.

She found what she was looking for without too much digging through the massive two door wardrobe, taking the extra painstaking minutes to make sure she didn't make a sound. It was nerve-wracking work. Eventually she got what she was looking for out from underneath items of clothing and precariously placed books that at the time she hadn't bothered to set right and now she berated herself for - she would never be messy again.

She opened the pack she had retrieved and started shoving bits and pieces of clothing, a blanket and her pillow inside, working quickly. She had to get out of here. Coming back at all was a risk but she needed the essentials. She stopped for a minute. She had thought of her mum earlier. But surely the way to get her back would be in this house. Her father would have had to have planned what he did to her. Her mum wouldn't have gone too quietly and she had grown since he disappeared - unless he had underestimated her he would have had to have planned for her capture - and he obviously hadn't underestimated her or she'd be back. Her fingers curled into a trembling fist.

Wherever she was, whatever that monster had done to her, she was alive. Sakura knew it, she just... did. She wasn't dead, and as long as she wasn't dead, Sakura could bring her back. She could save them. And she would.

But, as much as she really hated herself in the next moment of startling clarity, she knew that for now, she had to run. Not literally, no doubt that would provoke a chase from him, but she couldn't look for anything yet, any hint as to where her mum might be being held. She needed to plan for that. She needed to be able to defend herself for that . She needed time. She hated how pathetic that sounded but it was true, she couldn't do it yet. So, with regret so deep, so consuming that she felt its burden as physically as the pack slung over he shoulder, she left the way she had come.

And stopped. What would she do now? She really had no where to go and for a second a strange sense of displacement took over, making her sway. She decided to get herself back onto the rooftop. Whether it was her new home or a temporary pit stop she needed a break and some space to think. And the view was nice enough.

* * *

Sakura had spent the day thinking. At one point, after going through her pack - what she could now assume was the extent of her belongings until she got her mum back - she had taken out the blanket she had packed and set it down on the rooftop, over the one Gaara had brought to her last nigh, weighing them down with the rest of her belongings to stop them from blowing away on the breeze. She had jumped down the tree with an ease afforded by practice and the beginnings of habit and she had made for the main marketplace of Konoha.

She had precious little money, having removed every small amount she could remember stashing strategically in her bedroom, and knew that she could only afford essentials. She had no idea how long she would have to last on the small amount of money she had so she would just have to make do with staples.

Walking around the stalls of the outdoor market and soaking up the relaxed atmosphere of the lunchtime lull, when people had stopped to eat leaving the street itself relatively empty with very little foot traffic, Sakura made her way from stall to stall. She enjoyed looking around, remembering a time when she could (and would) have bought the nice silver ring at one stand, or the distinctive kunai with the decoratively engraved leaves and blossoms on the blade at another. She wasn't depressed whilst she remembered these things like she thought she would be. It filled her once more with that purpose, the one that propelled her to act, to ignore the emptiness of her stomach that she had really been feeling these past few days and the slight throbs and twinges of her arm.

She spent a little of her money instead on a small loaf of bread and a few apples. She had nothing to cook with, no way to make anything at all so she bought instead things that could be readily eaten and would last as long as possible. She was definitely glad of her training now too, she was keeping a level head despite, to all intents and purposes having just moved out of home, and she had a flask for water that she usually used in training and on missions. It would save her having to buy a new one at least.

Taking her meagre supplies back to the rooftop - her new, semi-permanent home for the time being - she spent the afternoon thinking and strategising - thinking of her mother's strengths and weaknesses, the ones her father would have known about and might have used against her and where he might have stashed any hints in the house below that would tell her where her mother was now.

When Gaara arrived she was hardly surprised. It was clear that he didn't sleep a lot. It was probably just nice for him to be able to talk to someone at night - something to do to pass the time. Knowing she had very little food and money as it was she handed him a chunk of bread regardless. She was hardly going to be rude after everything he'd done for her. He took it without comment.

"How was school?" Sakura asked, feeling very slightly like a mother welcoming her son home from school, the mental image lifting her mood slightly. He seemed to think the same thing as, for a moment, she could see the shadow of a smile at the very corner of his mouth.

"Not bad." At her sidelong look he added, "Not good either." She smirked. "How was your day?"

"Not bad." She echoed, not needing to say the rest as he took in her pack, contents spilling over the edge and the blanket they were sitting on. Not to mention the food - or lack thereof. He frowned slightly.

"Camping out?" He didn't mean for the slight hint of disapproval in his voice and her strange half-smile only served to worry him.

"Kinda... why, wanna join me?" He looked at her oddly for a moment, face inscrutable yet filled with some emotion she couldn't name. It looked a bit like shock. Or incredulity. Whatever it was she could tell he was surprised by the question itself, she just didn't quite know what his reaction to it was. She had asked without considering but she knew she'd rather spend the night with him there. She wasn't totally happy with the idea of staying up here on her own.

He didn't answer her question, choosing instead to lean back, bracing his weight on his arms as he watched the serene late afternoon sky. She supposed he would stay or not stay depending on what he felt like and she couldn't blame him - it was pretty much what she was doing anyway.

They sat and watched the sun sink slowly in the sky, Sakura's thoughts drifting between the house below them and all the places her mother might be, Gaara's thoughts following a surprisingly similar track, though neither of them knew it. The view became a night scene before them and they both sat. Eventually, under the blanket of their comfortable silence and without feeling the need for speech, Sakura drew the sleeping bag out of her pack and set it up next to Gaara's unmoving form on the blanket still beneath them.

Sitting, watching the stars as they sparkled into life one by one with Sakura asleep beside him, he thought that this had all the makings of a newly forming habit. He couldn't say he minded.

* * *

_i was aiming for cute and realistic... i think i got OOC and predictable... what do you reckon?_

_Im a bit naughty... i waited for an extra two days after this chapter was finished so that i could update on my birthday (im 19 now... well technically i guess im 19 in about 6 hours but same difference :) - so please please please review and make my birthday even happier :)_

_have fun and thanks for reading :) cookies cookies cookies_


	22. Later

_hello hello hello... one would have been ok but there you go :) and as always, sorry this update took so long... i might as well stop saying it really... :)_

_thanks so much to everyone who keeps reading despite my taking so (so, so, soooo) long. You're all so kind and sweet and all get hugs and cookies :) thankyou so much otaku-freak-16, dailyangel, Night'sBullet, 7, elfenknight, xteenuh102593, nomanslandvicki, Merridaine, chemical-romace-lover, Ogami Ga-chan, romantiscue, Saints amoung Angels, monikgrl and YuKiOnA-Ga for finding and reading and reviewing this fic (and for the birthday wishes :))_

_anyone who has me on their author alert thingy (technical term ;)) may want to read the notes at the end of the chapter._

_enjoy :)_

* * *

Masked Happiness

Chapter 22: Later

He remembered a time, recent enough that the memory was vivid in his mind, when he had sat, looking up at the stars; sleepless, restless and wishing that someone, anyone at all, would take the time to sit with him. He had been so... alone. He wouldn't have cared if they had taken the time to talk or listen or if they had just sat silently, he just wanted someone with him. Another human being who wouldn't find him so repulsive that they purposely went out of their way to avoid him.

Sitting here now, with Sakura curled up and sleeping next to him, Gaara felt like his loneliness which had felt so suffocatingly heavy for so long had been brushed to one side as easily as the lightest of curtains. Who knew it could be so easy? He had wanted company because he thought it might ease some of the awful tension that seemed perpetually coiled within him. He hadn't known it would, for a short time, erase it completely.

Gaara laid back, hands cradling his head to protect it from the cold hardness of the rooftop, feeling temporarily yet completely at ease and watching the sky change shades before his eyes. The inky black gave way to the silky grey of a moth's wing, continuing to lighten incrementally from minute to minute. The reflection of the colours shimmered in his unclosing eyes, never missing a second and when it was over and a new day had begun he felt more rested than he could remember. The ever changing colours of the sky mirrored his life, all life; nothing stayed the same and he'd confront the next stage as it came.

Looking down at Sakura, snuffling softly in her sleep and curled into an impossibly tight ball that Gaara knew she would regret before the hour was over, he knew he had to face the next stage, had to face what was coming. He just wished that stage would arrive faster because heads would roll if it didn't.

* * *

Her head ached beyond belief. It wasn't so much a head as a giant, throbbing mass of _heavy_ atop her shoulders. Her giant, throbbing mass of heavy ached beyond belief.

Sakura groaned as the sun warmed her face. The bright orange she could see that was the first rays of the day penetrating the thin skin of her lids made her head protest painfully. She heard a quiet chuckle from somewhere far over her head.

"Not a morning person?" Lifting her head slowly and squinting disdainfully at the obnoxiously bright red head obscuring the sun, she regarded him for a moment before putting her head back down and covering it with her pillow, half suffocating herself.

"What do you think?" Came her muffled reply, the venom leached out of her voice from exhaustion and the pillow she half swallowed as she spoke. The quiet chuckle came again and brought several trains of thought with it. '_Why's he in such a good mood? Too early to be in a good mood. He's never in a good mood. Don't think I've ever heard him laugh, not really. Wonder why. Oh, my head hurts...'_

Sakura removed the pillow from her face and slowly managed to sit up. "Maybe I should've grabbed two pillows." She muttered.

"That one taste bad?"

Sakura scowled up at Gaara and noticed that he was simply standing with his arms crossed, watching her and clearly very amused. She wasn't.

"Why are you so happy?" She growled rhetorically, feeling miserable. He was being far too happy, too much of a morning person - _'like mum' _- and it was annoying (and saddening) her to no end. She just wanted to go to sleep somewhere (comfortable) and here he was looking well-rested and happy and ready to face the day. She wanted to _sleep_.

She squinted up at him again and noticed for the first time that even though it was true, that he looked like all of those things to _her_; his smile was faint and the only indication of his drive was the flash of determination in his eyes, both of which she was sure most others would miss. She was already so used to him.

For a moment she wondered whether that was such a good idea. She had no concrete reason to trust him and even though she wanted to earn her friend's trust back she didn't particularly want to go all out to make new ones, she didn't have the headspace to try or the energy to see it through right now. Then again, looking at him, he seemed just like her. They were both the same in that moment. Both unsure of where they were going and what they were doing and just wishing for a friend who wouldn't ask questions. She knew she was, and he clearly had many things he wouldn't or couldn't tell her. She didn't care, she welcomed the company, and she supposed that everything else that came with it - the lack of any good reason to trust him - was irrelevant in the end, she didn't need it.

The thought made her smile for the briefest of moments before realising that this was just one of many traits, one of her many personality flaws that made her a terrible ninja.

Levering herself up with a moan she stood, swaying slightly on the spot and rubbing her eyes. Gaara couldn't help his smirk; she looked so much younger with her hair a large, frizzy, pink mop and her balled up hands rubbing her eyes like that. It was so easy to forget for a moment just how many problems the girl had. His smirk faded long before her bleary eyes returned to his face.

"You coming to school today?" Gaara asked. It was an honest question; she looked better than she had yesterday but not so much that her appearance wouldn't raise questions if anyone bothered to notice her. Though, from past experience there was a good chance that wouldn't happen and he knew it. The situation was complicated and he didn't know what course of action she would take, not knowing himself which he would choose and feeling like he couldn't blame her for either.

"How do I look?" She asked instead. He hesitated, unsure of how to answer.

"Fine...?" He said after a moment, his unsureness over the question turning his answer into another one. This conversation was getting nowhere fast.

"Guess I'm going to school then." She said it with a sigh. It was obvious that she didn't want to go and yet it was equally obvious she didn't want to stay. As much as Gaara was in a tough spot himself at the moment, he didn't envy her or her life at all.

* * *

She was so not looking forward to this. As Sakura walked towards the double doors that would lead her into the school she tried to think of all the things that might make this easier. She would be disappearing into the nearest room she could find at lunchtime and there was no way she was sticking around at the end of the day no matter what anyone said or did. Even so, she was so not looking forward to this.

She knew she had to tone down her anxiety, her hands kept wringing together and Gaara was casting her strange, sidelong glances as they made their way to the large and needlessly imposing double doors. She hated those doors. Walking through them she looked around, noticing that though everything was obviously familiar, there were little differences here and there. Graffiti - probably Naruto caused or inspired... he had fans like that Konohamaru kid and she wouldn't have put it past him to do some hero-worshipping with a spray-can - one of the bins had moved positions and there was a small hole in the wall. They were minute differences, ones that on their own no one else would notice, whether they had been there for the events or not. But together they changed the look of this particular space of corridor and Sakura knew the rest of the school would be the same.

Tiny differences that made her feel like it had been years not days since she had last come here. Like she no longer belonged here. Like while she had been fighting her inner demons in order to fight her outer ones the world had moved on and forgotten about her. She couldn't understand the sadness that seemed to seep from the floor upwards, sinking into her, making her feel alone despite the fact that Gaara was still standing beside her. She unconsciously wished, for a moment, that she had been remembered.

Unfortunately she found her wish coming true as Naruto rounded the corner at the end of the hall, saw pink and ran the length of it to tackle her. Gaara didn't look impressed from his own position on the floor next to Sakura. Evidently he had been standing a little too close. In truth it had been an absent-mindedly protective stance he had adopted. One he regretted now. He looked over Sakura's fuzzy pink head and glared at Naruto. Sitting between them and slightly shorter than both, Sakura looked up to her left and her right repeatedly, from pissed-off-Gaara to the blissfully unaware Naruto and back again. This was really not her day.

She learnt to look on the bright side quickly as Sasuke came into view and she realised that now she had a good excuse for looking like a complete mess. The ever-friendly Naruto reached a hand over Sakura's head, shoving it into Gaara's face.

"Hi! You're new aren't you? I'm Naruto." He spoke a little too loudly and Sakura felt her head spin for a moment at the onslaught. She hadn't eaten breakfast. Though she had a very very good reason. She didn't have any to eat. She doubted she should tell any of her friends that; she didn't think they would see that as a 'good' reason. Gaara's vigilant eyes narrowed as he saw Sakura lose focus for a moment, secretly steadying her with his left hand which he had braced himself on before and now, having regained composure and balance, he didn't need. With his right he reached slowly upwards to the hand in his face and awkwardly shook it once, narrowed eyes shifting to Naruto. He said nothing but that had never put Naruto off before and it didn't now. "So where are you from?"

Sasuke, who had been standing close enough to hear the conversation - despite half the school being able to - and far enough away to pretend he knew none of those included in the brightly haired mess on the floor, hit Naruto lightly upside the head. "Shut up Dobe, you're giving me a headache."

Naruto looked up at him and, despite the grin, Sasuke could tell he was about to whine. He didn't when he noticed that the corridor was almost empty and that Sasuke's glare had intensified a little. He swallowed the words but continued to grin and stood quickly with a little too much energy, bouncing on his toes to regain balance. Gaara stood slowly and surreptitiously moved his left hand from Sakura's back to her side, holding it out a little to help her up. She took a moment to steady herself before taking the offered hand carefully, both of their hands dropping simultaneously as soon as she was on her feet.

Naruto was oblivious, looking at each face with a broad grin that wasn't returned. Sasuke had noticed it all. He had noticed Sakura's pale skin, her messier than usual hair, the way she looked somehow thinner than she had two days ago, obviously still malnourished, and the moment she had lost focus because of said malnourishment (and Naruto's loudness). Sasuke didn't know why he decided to pretend he hadn't. He had gone to school yesterday and she hadn't been there and he had felt... well, bad. And confused. She wouldn't tell him what was wrong.

She wouldn't get help despite very clearly being hurt and half-starved. Her mother hadn't been seen for awhile (he hadn't asked, he had just happened to be in the right place at the right time to hear talk in the markets about Sakura's mum... and it had taken hours of mindless traipsing in the cold evening air with his freezing hands shoved deep in his pockets for that right moment to come along, he remembered bitterly).

She was in trouble. Obviously. So why wasn't she asking for help?

_'Why didn't you fight back?'_

The question, his question, _his voice_ seemed to float in the air between them, an invisible barrier that stopped either of them from making eye contact. She was still angry and annoyed and resentful... and pitiful and pathetic and weak. He was confused. And guilty. Very guilty. But the question seemed a fair one to him and she had run away - despite the state she had been in - instead of answering. He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer, but he knew he needed it. He couldn't help if he didn't know what the problem was.

* * *

Sakura kept her head down and was glad Gaara got the hint as he walked away in the direction of their lockers and she followed, watching his shoes thud softly on the old, greying linoleum. She didn't feel comfortable around Sasuke. She felt like she owed him for helping her the other day and at the same time she was so frustrated. The anger was bleeding away with time but his words stung, especially since he didn't know why or how much.

Gaara didn't say a word as they each quickly got ready for their class, rushing to get there before their teacher. Which basically meant that they had all the time in the world. Moving into the room, Gaara took his usual seat and Sakura walked carefully across the room to hers, painfully bumping a desk with her hip on the way as she struggled to remain in control of her shaky limbs.

She stifled the sound that tried to claw its way out of her throat as the pain shot through her a second after she had apologised to the person sitting behind it. She almost ran the rest of the way to her desk, flopping down into it and holding in a groan. She might as well have thrown herself at the desk. Her hip throbbed and she knew she'd have a bruise. Fantastic, her day kept getting better and better.

She didn't notice Gaara's eyes or the flicker of worry in them as he saw every tiny detail of the incident and the way she stared fixedly at her desk afterwards, concentrating on the pain. She also didn't noticed Sasuke, facing away from her until he picked up the sound of her hip bone hitting the desk, her mumbled apology and her sharp intake of breath. He watched her out of the corner of his eye until she moved behind him and to his other side. He glanced at her to see her watching her desk, concentration etched into the slight frown line in the centre of her forehead. He wondered with a depth of sadness he didn't completely understand if there was now another mark on her skin to go with the others.

It was hard for him not to notice in the next hours just how avidly she was ignoring him. Kakashi was surprisingly early - for him, which meant that they only had to wait half an hour - and as they discussed and were lectured about mission tactics in specific situations and weather conditions, Sakura concentrated just a little too much on his words and her desk and Sasuke concentrated just a little too much on Sakura.

When the bell rang out, deafening them all and bringing a fogginess to Sakura's vision for a moment as it bounced around her head, making it throb together with her hip; everyone in the room stood, stretching muscles sore from lack of use and slowly making their way to food and a break that, at this moment, seemed well-deserved.

"Sakura."

Her own promise reverberated in her head over and over, taking the place of the prolonged ring of the school bell. She had only been able to enter the school building that morning because she had told herself, reassured herself that no matter what she wouldn't have to deal with this. She was going to disappear between classes. Three hours later and that promise came to nothing. Her name was all that needed to be said and Sakura's eyes shut tight, trying to block the world out.

When it didn't work she tried to pass it off as an especially long blink and sighed quietly as she collected her books as slowly as she could. Kakashi would wait and she wasn't about to have whatever conversation he thought was necessary with an audience.

Eventually everyone had left the room, Gaara, Sasuke and Naruto taking their time but eventually getting the hint and closing the door behind them. Before Naruto, the last one to leave, closed the door he looked at Sakura and somehow she caught the glance. The look he gave her made her want to cry because in that instant she knew that he knew. Or suspected. He suspected that something was wrong. She hadn't protected that last fragile, innocent bond of friendship she thought she had done so well to shield from the mess that was her life. It had been affected, tainted. Just like everything else. Her hip throbbed in unison with her head and she wanted to curl into a miserable ball.

Instead she swallowed the emotion, promising '_later, I'll deal with you later' _and pushing it away to a different corner of her mind. She approached Kakashi's desk cautiously and he sat behind it and ignored her as he continued to pore over paperwork. She couldn't fight the smile, despite everything. She waited patiently with an eyebrow raised, he was getting old; re-using tactics like this. If this was the type of mood Kakashi was in she figured it would be pretty easy to sidestep the drama this time. He took longer than he had last time and when she saw him open his mouth to speak she pre-empted him. Just because she was going to do this didn't mean she had to take her time. Or be subtle.

"_You _called _me _over Kakashi-sensei, and I'm fine."

She could just make out the smirk behind the mask.

"I see you've been practising your precognition, but believe it or not that wasn't actually what I wanted to talk to you about." He said it all with a smile and Sakura smiled back thinking, _'Like hell it wasn't.'_

He decided he didn't need to expand on his previous statement and Sakura felt her patience fraying at the edges. "Um, what did you want to talk to me about then?" She said eventually, hoping the waver in her voice sounded like timidity and not impatience. _'Alright, I'll bite, what are you up to?'_

"Hmm? Oh, I'd like a good reason as to why you thought you could skip out of school yesterday."

She tried to bite back the annoyance, she really did, but he was better at noticing the tiny details in a person's face than she was at hiding them and he couldn't have missed the flash of annoyance - almost anger - as it sizzled like lightening in her eyes for a brief moment before disappearing again. He knew he would get a reaction out of her by approaching the situation like an uncaring, objective teacher when they both knew he wasn't and _she _knew he had angled it that way to get a reaction. Why disappoint?

Through the annoyance Sakura tried to think of a response as he was clearly expecting one. She tried not to smirk.

"I was feeling a little under the weather."

She saw his frown at those tiny details on her face, once again silently giving her away. The slight curve to her lip that told him he had missed a joke. Given her recent behaviour he wasn't entirely sure that she even found the joke funny, which was worrying. He didn't want to consider that her state of mind was really that bad. More secrets, he realised, disappointed. He was puzzled at how much truth he could see there was in her statement and a little worried at what that meant. Had she been very sick? Had it been intentional?

Sakura didn't even realise the path Kakashi's thoughts might take him down, thinking too logically and seeing the funny side to a miserable situation. _'He can't get me for lying 'cos I wasn't_' she thought triumphantly, _'no roof over my head... believe me, I definitely felt the weather last night.'_

"Are you feeling alright now?" He asked in all seriousness. She absently wondered if she was becoming hysterical as she tried not to giggle, freely giving away details about her new rooftop home to someone who would never get their relevance.

"Fine, 'top of the world." He gave her a strange, worried look and she kept a straight face. Somehow. "I think I need to have a break and some lunch though," she continued, knowing when she was pushing her luck, "so..."

She trailed off as she lifted her belongings a little higher against her chest and started towards the door, only mildly surprised that Kakashi said and did nothing to stop her. Her semi-good mood vanished. She was too alone to feel optimistic.

* * *

Optimism seemed to agree that Sakura didn't deserve any. No sooner had she left the room before she heard her name spoken behind her. '_Oh, for crying out loud!' _She whirled on Sasuke, clearly not too happy. To his credit he didn't flinch away. Much.

"Sakura," he said again, "are you ok?"

Too many violent and bloody images accompanied her anger and flashed through her mind for her to form a rational sentence within its maelstrom, let alone say it aloud (without swearing), so instead she composed herself quickly and spared him a single nod before walking in the opposite direction. She was furious. She'd be 'ok' when she had her life back. Considering none of them could help her with that, was it too much to ask for them to leave her alone? She hated that she seemed to be at war with herself. One minute she hated the loneliness, the next she craved it. She was a mess.

She went straight for the girl's bathroom, nudging it open with her hip because her hands were full of books still, before biting her lip hard against the forgotten pain that had just surged through her once again. She swore, hoping that no one would be in the room. Noticing the cubicles were empty she moved to the sink and dumped her belongings on the bench beside it.

She placed both hands, palms down on the cool surface and leant forward, braced on her forearms. Looking in the mirror had lately been a horrifying daily activity she couldn't escape from. With wisps of pink in her face and other bits sticking up haphazardly around her head, somehow highlighting her paleness and the rings beneath her eyes, she found she didn't care so much anymore. '_Damn,' _she thought_, 'I'm getting used to this, I don't want to get used to this!' _

She closed her eyes for a moment, breathing deeply, before standing back from the bench, lifting the red fabric of her dress and lowering the top of her black shorts to get a good look at her hip. She groaned. She hadn't felt the blood. She spared a glance at her other hip and realised the bone was becoming much more pronounced. She was getting too thin. For some reason she didn't find that thought too horrifying, but she pushed it aside. She released her hold on her clothes, the material brushing the bloodied area and making her groan again, from both the renewed fire it sent through her skin and the knowledge that she had just bloodied up one of the few outfits she had for the moment - she could hardly grab more whenever she wanted and she couldn't exactly sneak back into the house to use the washing machine.

Sakura grabbed some toilet paper, dampened it and rushed back to the mirror, once again exposing the slight wound and with the damp tissue she cleaned it up. She noticed as she did so that it was because the bone was becoming more pronounced that it had been as bad as it was. Her skin was almost translucent and stretched taut, too thinly over the bone, easily tearing when it should simply have bruised. She cleaned it as best she could and with some clean toilet paper she covered the area and let her clothes cover it again.

It hurt, and she knew it would be worse when she tried to take the makeshift dressing back off again but she needed to stop any bleeding and keep it covered for now. _'Later, I'll deal with it later.'_ But the mental cupboard she was holding her emotions in was beginning to burst at the seams.

The afternoon passed slowly. Particularly the forty long minutes she had spent hiding out in the bathroom. She had promised herself she would stay away from people, escape when she could. And she was. When the bell rang for the beginning of afternoon classes she left, feeling slightly relieved to be away from the impending claustrophobia the small room threatened and more than a little disheartened that she had to stay for the long afternoon hours.

They passed uneventfully. Slowly. The weather was worsening, going from cold to cloudy. The lack of rain made the air humid as it hung heavily in the air above. Sakura was not looking forward to tonight. She didn't want to be out in what looked to be turning into quite a storm. As it was, the weather made the afternoon bad enough, making the heavy air stifling and everything seem too slow. She was so bored that for a lot of the time she doodled on her desk and spare pages of books and the looks from Kakashi went unnoticed. It was only his voice, slightly louder and more authoritive that broke her out of her state of mental hibernation.

"And remember everyone, that tomorrow is a training day. I know some of you forget," His eyes passed over Sakura, "so no excuses for missing tomorrow, as I have so graciously just reminded you all." The bell rang as if on cue and he stood with the air of someone who wanted to leave just as desperately as his students, "Ok, dismissed, get out, go." Evidently, the afternoon hadn't just been slow for Sakura.

She slowly stood whilst most others ran as fast as they could out the door. She watched, a little amused, as everyone tried to crowd out at once and they jammed in the doorway, hands in faces and accidentally kicked legs making people protest loudly. Sasuke, Naruto and Kakashi stayed out of the fray like Sakura. Gaara had disappeared somehow, she assumed into the crowd, eager to get away from all the people he had thrown himself amongst.

Eventually four people somehow managed to cram their way out of the doorframe at once and the flow of students went a lot smoother. Sakura was surprised to see Naruto still in the room. He was usually first out the door. No, he was usually the one with his hand in someone's face and his foot in someone's shin.

"Hey Naruto," Sakura said as she passed, "see you tomorrow?" Sasuke, who always took his time, was behind them as she spoke and noticed her tone of voice. There was a tinge of hope in it. That just made his curiosity burn more.

Naruto looked at Sakura a moment too long without answering, before he smiled his usual smile and gathered his books in a big messy heap, barely able to hang on to it all. "Yeah, 'course. Oh hey! We should all go to Ichiraku for lunch! Kakashi can pay." He said with a grin.

"He can not." Kakashi muttered with a secret smile they all knew was there as he slipped out the door with a wave and a wink.

"He will, don't worry." Naruto whispered conspirationally. "Hey, Sakura-chan, are you ok?"

Sakura knew Sasuke was waiting for her to hit Naruto for asking; waiting for her to explode. He had seen her annoyance... her anger when he had asked. But she didn't feel that toward Naruto. She felt a wave of stifling sadness that she hadn't kept her secrets better and had tainted their friendship, whether Naruto knew it or not.

"Yeah," She murmured, trying to sound happy, or at least not sad and coming off as neither. She sounded dead and knew she was making it worse so she smiled. "I'm fine Naruto. See you tomorrow at training 'k?"

"Yup, and Ichiraku afterwards too, don't forget." She smiled at how happy he was, at how easily he brushed aside her mood. That's exactly what she needed right now. Someone to treat her normally and let her believe she was for a little while before she had to face a night out in the open on her rooftop in the coming storm. Nothing could deflate Naruto's mood and she drew strength from that. Her smile grew and his did in response.

She moved to the door and still smiling turned to Naruto and behind him Sasuke. "See ya." She turned again, feeling some shadow of her old self stir in her heart as she stifled a laugh at how shocked Sasuke had just looked.

* * *

Sasuke was baffled. So, she was just angry with him then. Either that or she was incredibly happy with Naruto at the moment. He sighed. She must be really pissed. He hated that he only had himself to blame.

* * *

"You're late."

"Ha! For what?"

Gaara gave Sakura a look as she finished half-stumbling, half-climbing onto the rooftop. She smirked at his silence.

"I didn't know we had plans tonight." She continued to tease with a lighter heart despite how physically she felt tired and weak and like absolute crap. There was a very small part of her mind that wondered at her mood-swings. At how easily she seemed to go from miserable to angry to happy these days. At how happy she seemed now despite the situation. At how far she would fall when that happiness dissipated like the insubstantial fog it was.

Sakura brushed the thoughts aside, the mental cupboard of hers groaning as she tried to hold all of those suppressed emotions inside it. _'Later...'_

"Are you staying out here again?" She asked Gaara, looking at the bruised sky. The black and blue effect of the clouds made her think of her neck. And her hip. She didn't want to look at it now in case it looked too gruesome. One more thing to do at some other time. She wondered if she would actually find time for it or just leave it to solve itself on its own. Or to fester, as wounds tend to do.

Gaara gave her a different look; whatever he was deciding, it involved running his eyes over her small form. Assessing her.

"Yeah." He said with quiet seriousness.

"Well that's stupid." Sakura said frankly. His eyes widened ever so slightly and he raised one eyebrow. "You have a house right? A roof? Wouldn't it be smarter to stay there tonight?" She said, indicating the heavy, rain-filled clouds. He looked at her for a long moment, so many things he could say, so many things she was expecting. So many questions it would raise if he asked what she just had. Instead he flicked a cursory glance at the sky, saying;

"The rain won't fall tonight, shouldn't 'til tomorrow morning." She smiled and pulled her blankets and pillow towards her, curling up and trying to get warm as quickly as possible.

"Well. That's alright then."

Gaara smirked.

* * *

_If anyone doesnt get the reference at the beginning of the conversation with Kakashi, its in chapter 15 - re-reading the beginning of that conversation will make this one make more sense.... its getting late so I'm not sure if that made sense :)_

_Oh, and I've noticed I've been swearing a little bit... sorry if that offends anyone, but I figure it would be unrealistic with everything Sakura's going through to not have her swearing about it - and lets face it, there are worse things in this fic to be offended about ;) - speaking of which, next chapter should be a bit heavy (the 'storm' isnt just literal... although it is that too... they're gonna get soaked) - so count this as a warning if anything so far has offended you... its gonna get worse... sorry :)_

_hope you liked the chapter, will update again around christmas (im trying to finish this fic before new years... probably wont happen but hey, faster updates :) - and sorry in advance for the next 12 days to anyone who has me on **author alert** who doesnt like the show criminal minds... i hope i dont lose any readers because of the twelve annoying emails you're gonna get (cos you all rock so much... if i dont update soon enough merry christmas people and thanks so much for reading, next chapter should get interesting!!! :)_

_have fun x_


	23. Riding Out The Storm

_Hi all. Ok, wasn't as quick as I said I'd be but still quicker than usual… heh… that's bad isn't it._

_Thank you so much __romantiscue__, __nomanslandvicki__, __Night'sBullet__, __xteenuh102593__, __Saints amoung Angels__, __dailyangel__ and __Lacuna Lily__, you're all fantastic and deserve much love, hugs and cookies. _

_Hope everyone had a good Christmas and New Years and that '09 brings much good stuff to all :)_

_Now, on to the beginning of the end… (ominous? :)) _

Masked Happiness

Chapter 23: Riding Out the Storm

Sakura woke with a start as a fat raindrop broke apart on her nose, ricocheting onto her cheeks and splashing her face with the surprisingly large amount of freezing water. Looking up from the ball she'd curled into for warmth she could see that the clouds had finally started to unleash the rain they had somehow held onto through the night. Sakura was grateful for it; she didn't need a sleepless night in the rain on top of everything else... especially on top of a roof.

Gaara was still sitting next to her in the same position he'd been in when she fell asleep. She thought it interesting that he never complained about aches and pains, even though his must be worse than hers. At least she'd slept through hers. And was paying for it now. She popped her shoulder as she rolled it in its socket, trying to relieve the persistent pain that stubbornly refused to be rubbed away.

Standing and stretching her legs she thought about how she was going to tackle today's activities. Training. Just what she needed, heavy exercise. Then again, sarcasm aside, she knew she would need to be prepared before she could take on her demons. One demon in particular. It was then, in the darkness of a sunless morning that Sakura realised she had dehumanised her father to the point of making him like any other enemy. And with every other enemy she had faced it had been her or them and they had fought it out to the death, or at least until there was a retreat of some kind with someone coming out more than a little worse for wear. She had assumed that that would be the only way to fix this mess. She had assumed that she would have to defeat him. Kill him.

But he was her father. Despite the memories, the bitter emotional baggage she had always had to carry around with her whether he was there or not, presumed dead or not, he was still her father. She was sickened that she could feel nothing. Or was she being naive? Should she be assuming the worst? Should she take him out like any other enemy for her mother's sake? Should it really be that simple?

Her head was reeling as she absent-mindedly packed all of her belongings into the small mass of blankets and pillows and bundled it into a corner of the rooftop for later. The rain was barely falling, it couldn't even be considered a light shower as it was too sparse still, but Sakura knew it would pick up through the day and her bedding would be soaked by the time she needed it again. She looked down miserably at her belongings. She was not looking forward to tonight. There was a very good chance the rain would last for days and she had nowhere else to go. She refused to go to Kakashi for help. She wouldn't go to Naruto. Sasuke wasn't worth considering. It would just be a very cold, wet night. After a very long day at training. She sighed. '_I've done this before,' _she reminded herself miserably_, 'all those times, all those missions... but... at least I'd had a tent'._

"Morning." She turned her head to look at Gaara. She figured she must have been getting too used to his company; she hadn't really paid much attention to him since she woke up. She looked up at the darkened sky.

"Really?" She asked dully. Gaara looked at her and then her small bundle of belongings.

"They're going to be saturated by tonight." Sakura huffed. He could be extremely unhelpful at times.

"I know."

"So why are you leaving them there?" They were getting into dangerous territory now. She couldn't answer that question because she didn't have an answer that wouldn't give too much away. And if she wasn't going to accept help from Naruto, Sasuke or Kakashi, she definitely wasn't going to accept it from Gaara. She may trust him enough to allow herself to fall asleep beside him but she wasn't about to let him into her past - anything private enough that she hadn't told her team she wouldn't be telling him either.

She simply looked at him expressionlessly for a long moment, before picking up the items she had set aside from the rest of her bundled up things – her four kunai and her water flask. The rain was already getting heavier, now able to be classified as a light shower and small darkening spots decorated the top layer of her blanket.

She moved to the edge of the rooftop and looked down, ready to jump. "What are you doing today?" Sakura asked absently as she stared at the ground, her back to Gaara. It was because of this that she missed the strange look he was giving her.

He could somehow tell that a small part of her mind wanted her to jump, but not just to leave the rooftop. To leave everything. It was in her stance. And the way she hesitated. _Deciding_. However, he chose to give her the benefit of the doubt. Whatever it was she was going through, she had put up with it this long and she had had plenty of opportunity to do that already. She'd have to know by now that had she decided to jump with no intention of living through it, he would stop her. If only to find out why. So he stood and watched her hair toss in the wind, wisps of pink in the air as he looked for any signs that might give away what she was thinking.

"Training, just like you." He answered quietly, easily. He wasn't, but it didn't matter as long as she thought he was.

She hummed though he couldn't tell whether she accepted his answer or not, before jumping. He almost reacted - _almost _- before noticing the muscles in her calves tense imperceptibly. She would land and she would be alright. He frowned ever so slightly. Things were taking too long, plans moving too slowly. She needed help and he could do nothing. For the moment he could do nothing. He wouldn't go against orders, no matter how much he wished he could. There was too much at stake.

He was about to leave before noticing Sakura's little bundle of blankets with her things - all of her worldly possessions as far as he could tell - wrapped inside. The corner of the blanket was already dripping. Rolling his eyes, Gaara leant and scooped up the bundle, working a short detour into his plans for the day.

She had been right the night before. He had a house, an apartment where he was staying. It would be stupid to leave her things out here to get wet. He was vaguely curious as to whether or not he would extend to her the same courtesy after a day of training in the rain. Or if she would take him up on the offer. Such interesting developments.

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Sakura walked slowly behind Sasuke and Kakashi as Naruto ran ahead. They were on their way to lunch at Ichiraku. And they were all extremely thankful for it. The morning had been horrible. They had all, by some strange quirk of fate, managed to get to the bridge on time - even Kakashi - and because of the somber mood the weather had set, they had walked to the clearing they usually used in silence. The morning had consisted of Kakashi giving them an activity - sit-ups, push-ups, target practice and anything else Kakashi could think of whilst simultaneously reading - and a number of times to do said activity.

It had been awhile since they had last trained and Kakashi clearly felt the need to reacquaint them with the term 'hard work'. This meant that the morning mainly consisted of roughly four hours of slipping and sliding in the mud whilst trying to support themselves on limbs shaking with fatigue after only half that time. Surprisingly Kakashi had stayed on the ground with them, instead of up in a tree, though his nose never left his orange book. So, not so different than usual really.

Naruto had, as always, beaten them to the ramen stand and was halfway through a bowl by the time Sakura, Sasuke and Kakashi had caught up, the three of them wearily taking their seats beside him and ordering.

They were all exhausted, mud-smeared, sweating despite the coolness of the rain they were drenched in and the weather was making them all feel miserable. It didn't help that they all received dirty looks for the mud they were dripping on the stools and bench top. It was one of those days, Sakura thought, that was just supposed to be horrible in every sense of the word. The type of day that just has to be ridden out.

The ramen was hot and spicy and warmed them all considerably. Especially Naruto, who had three bowls to everyone else's one. Sitting next to Sakura, Sasuke noticed that underneath the mud and sweat and rain, she seemed pale and clammy and that her cheeks were flushed. He hoped it was just the exertion and not a fever.

He remembered looking after her too vividly. Remembered her being sick. Remembered her tiny, breakable frame draped around his toilet bowl and knew that he never wanted to see that again. It seemed stupid because of its sheer impossibility, but he still held onto the hope that she would never get sick again. Nevertheless it haunted him. It was an image he saw all the time, he couldn't seem to see Sakura the way she was now. He only saw the way she had looked that night. He knew he had to do something.

He glanced at Kakashi who was on the other side of Sakura. Sasuke's eyes continued roaming but when he registered the expression on the older ninja's face Sasuke looked again, staring at him. Kakashi was watching Sakura. Feeling Sasuke's eyes on him Kakashi looked over the pink head between them and there was a question in his eyes. He wanted to know why Sasuke was unabashedly staring at him, his eyes asking _'what's wrong?' _It wasn't hard for the copy-nin to sense something was.

Sasuke didn't have an answer he thought was sane so he shook his head slightly and shot a quick glance down at Sakura before returning to his ramen, his message clear enough to the copy-nin. _'Later.' _

They finished their meal in peace, none of them in the mood to openly talk. Sasuke thought about what Kakashi may or may not know about Sakura and her recent state of mind. Kakashi wondered what was wrong with his raven-haired student and worried about his pink-haired one, wondering where he went wrong to have two of his three become so withdrawn - wondering why they felt the need to turn away from him and not to him. Sakura considered the finer points of her plans for the evening, the train of thought stemming from something as innocent as needing a change of clothes. Naruto sat, downing his fourth bowl, and considered what flavour to have next.

Each of the three genin had to hold in a groan when Kakashi decided they needed to get back to training. Naruto was unsuccessful. Evidently Kakashi had had enough of torturing them, so the afternoon was spent sparring - more enjoyable than drills at least.

Kakashi also seemed a bit tired, taking some time to get back into old habits. He 'watched' the alternating one-on-one matches from above, from behind an orange cover. Sakura fought Naruto, slipping and sliding in the mud and trying to use it instead of letting herself be hindered by it just as Kakashi had taught them the day before. She was glad now that she had paid attention, though at the time it had seemed like her focus was a little excessive as she blocked the rest of the world out while studying tactics.

As Naruto fought Sasuke, Sakura watched from the sidelines and took notice of the things she should and shouldn't do if she ever found an answer to the questions she had posed herself earlier that morning. Could she really go that far? Did she think of him as her father enough to stop herself from killing him? Should she? Where was the line between personal weakness and becoming a monster? She knew she needed those answers before she could do anything, she needed to know where she stood, or else it would be a chink in her armor and he would destroy her.

When Sasuke came at her, slower than usual to give her a chance to focus, Sakura met him kunai for kunai and they picked up where he and Naruto had left off seamlessly. Sasuke and Sakura fought mechanically, both using textbook moves, nothing varied and neither trying to win or outdo the other.

Between the whirling movements of their bodies, in the flash of their kunai Sasuke could see Sakura covered in blood, Sakura shaking on his bathroom floor, Sakura in his bed, Sakura not waking up. The last thing Sasuke wanted to do right now was fight Sakura - he had been trying to get her to see that for days - and Sakura was too far away, cornered in her mind as she planned for her evening and tried to find answers to the unanswerable.

If Kakashi noticed their lack of imagination he didn't mention it. After a time, Naruto picked up the fight, giving Sasuke a break. Standing to one side and watching as Naruto did the same thing he had - not going easy on Sakura but not pushing her either - he wondered if they had all noticed. If they were all worried.

He shot a glance up at Kakashi and found the copy-nin's piercing eyes already on him. Kakashi and Sasuke would be having a talk later and they both knew it.

The sparring continued until they all felt drained and Sakura felt irritated. She had forgotten, while she had been fighting, that she would be tired afterwards. She wasn't sure whether she could risk her plans anymore, not feeling as fatigued as she did. Looking down at her mud spattered clothes and thinking of training the next day she knew she didn't really have any choice. She just hoped that maybe he wouldn't be there and she could postpone whatever encounter they would end up having.

She knew it was unavoidable, inevitable, but surely it didn't have to happen _today_? She hoped she could get lucky. Maybe he wouldn't be there tonight? Her face stayed fixed but inside she scoffed. Since when had she been lucky?

The term 'life sucks' didn't really sum it up well enough in her opinion.

With a few words - none very imaginative - Kakashi dismissed her and Naruto, keeping Sasuke back to 'discuss his use of tactics'. Sakura was too tired to care about why the simple statement sounded so full of meaning. She wasn't too tired to notice the way Sasuke stepped in front of her, stopping her from leaving.

"What?" Sakura asked bluntly. She was more than a little preoccupied and didn't feel like taking the time to be polite. Sasuke ignored the lack of manners, he'd been ignoring his own for years.

"Are-" Sasuke began then hesitated. He realised the stupidity of his unspoken question as much as Sakura did. _'Are you okay?' _seemed a little redundant whichever way the situation was looked at. Sakura arched an eyebrow. "Are you still angry with me?" He asked quietly instead.

Both of Sakura's eyebrows shot up. She hadn't given her emotions much thought. Especially her emotions towards Sasuke. Then again, his question reminded her that she should be. _"Why didn't you fight back?" _Honestly. She pondered for a moment and Sasuke looked a little confused. He'd thought it was a fairly straight-forward question.

"Yes and no." She said eventually. Now he looked more confused.

"What kind of answer is that? Are you or not?"

"I should be." And suddenly he looked almost... sorry. She hadn't meant to lay a guilt trip on him. Not too much. "More no than yes." She added and while he stood looking vaguely baffled she stepped around him and walked away.

______________________________________________________________________________________

The rain had let up a little but it was still steady and Sakura was dripping wet, the mud that had dried and started flaking during the sparring sessions was once again wet and mushy. It felt disgusting.

She didn't know why she had wanted to take some of the apology out of Sasuke's eyes. She didn't really even want an apology from him. When she considered everything in her life, all the good and bad, what he'd said seemed irrelevant. She was trying to make sure he never found out why his statement had affected her so much, she could hardly then be angry with him for it.

The anger had run its course anyway. She had been furious - and miserable - because of the memories it had brought up, because of her weakness in them, but now she had more important things to worry about. She had to focus. Her resolve was strengthened by the mud covering her in large splatter patterns from head to toe. She was making another trip to her house in a few hours. She needed a plan, possibly one involving a little more detail than last time. _Be quick _may not work twice.

______________________________________________________________________________________

"You're worried?"

Kakashi's voice startled Sasuke but he didn't let it show. He was still looking at where Sakura had walked away and hadn't been expecting Kakashi to be right behind him moments later. Sasuke turned his head, casting one eye over Kakashi but staying silent.

"About Sakura." Kakashi needlessly elaborated. Sasuke didn't even bother to nod but Kakashi knew the answer. It seemed they were all worried. He knew Naruto was worried as well. He doubted anyone else knew that, but he was the copy-nin, nothing got past him.

"Do you know what's wrong with her?" Sasuke asked after a moment as he turned to face Kakashi fully. It took Kakashi a long moment to answer. As much as he wanted to help Sakura, as much as they all wanted to, he wasn't sure how much to tell Sasuke. They were a team but that didn't mean they shouldn't be able to keep their private lives private. Kakashi had been in many teams in his lifetime and already he knew almost as much about the lives - past and present - of team 7 as he did his first team.

On the other hand, Sakura was in trouble and he didn't know how much he could do alone. Not since she had closed herself off from him. He didn't know how much Sasuke knew either.

"No. Not really. Do you?" Sasuke could tell Kakashi wasn't telling him the truth - not completely - but that his question was serious. It required the truth. Sasuke wished he had a better answer.

"No, I don't. She..."

"She what?"

Sasuke wasn't sure what the best thing to do was any more. What the right thing was. Did Sakura's need for help surpass the trust she had clearly placed in him by letting him take care of her. Letting him see her arm. Her neck. Her vulnerability. How much did Kakashi know? Did it matter? Sasuke took a deep breath, hoping Sakura wouldn't hate him for this. Wouldn't hate him more.

"She hurt herself. The other day. I took her home with me and patched her up, but it's not just that. She hasn't been okay for a while. Has she talked to you?"

Kakashi sighed. He knew Sakura was lying to him - it had become kind of hard to believe her when she said she was fine lately - but he hadn't thought it was bad enough for Sasuke to have looked after her. It reminded Kakashi of when he had needed to patch her up. He wondered how long they had before she wasn't able to simply be 'patched up' anymore. Before she was too broken to repair. No matter how much Sasuke may have played down the situation, he had told Kakashi the truth. He supposed he owed it to Sasuke and to Sakura to do the same.

"She has. Not willingly, but we've talked. A while ago something similar happened, it sounds a lot like what you did for her. I suppose you've seen her arm?"

Sasuke paled a shade but nodded resolutely as he replied. "I suppose you've seen her neck?" Kakashi looked confused and Sasuke closed his eyes for a brief moment. Sakura would kill him.

"What's on her neck?" Kakashi's tone was sharp and left no room for anything but an honest answer. So Sasuke gave him one.

"I can't say. Really. If you haven't seen it, if she hasn't told you, then it's not my place to either." Kakashi was about to object but Sasuke continued, "I only saw it by accident and I still don't know how much she hates me right now for it. It's obvious she needs help with something and if I tell you anything more then she won't be able to trust either of us. What's more important?"

Kakashi was both irritated and impressed by Sasuke's answer. For all his curiosity and guilt, he had to admit that Sasuke was right; Sakura's trust would help them resolve the situation far more than the answers to those questions would. And if they were right, they would find them out eventually anyway but they needed Sakura's trust, otherwise they couldn't do anything.

"Does Naruto know?" Sasuke asked after a long moment.

"I think he suspects. Hard not to."

"It is Naruto." Sasuke muttered, rolling his eyes. Kakashi looked reproving but there was an amused sparkle in his eyes.

"I think Sakura needs to have someone who doesn't know as much as we do. She knows how much we know about her but I doubt Naruto is able to do more than speculate and Sakura knows that too. It might help her talk to him if she needs the help that badly."

As much as Sasuke wished he could be the one Sakura would go to, he knew Kakashi was right. Then again, it didn't mean Sasuke couldn't be there for her anyway.

Sasuke moved to walk away but paused, "Was there anything else?"

"No," Kakashi said as he walked past Sasuke. Before Sasuke lost sight of him, he called over his shoulder, "like I said, tactics."

Sasuke smirked and decided to head into the village for dinner - the rain was stopping and it was a fairly nice night - but was interrupted halfway there.

"Hey Teme!" Naruto's voice carried through the still evening air and Sasuke wanted to hit the blonde. It wasn't too crowded on this particular street but an audience of one person was too many, let alone the dozen people who had heard that. Sasuke debated walking away like he hadn't heard but he knew Naruto's voice could get louder so he ground his teeth together and turned. Naruto quailed slightly at his furious expression but it didn't stop him. "Hey," he said when he was within acceptable conversation distance, "what did you talk to Kakashi-sensei about?"

"Why's it any of your business?" Sasuke said as he continued walking with Naruto now beside him. There wasn't any venom in the words, they weren't even particularly cold. Sasuke was going soft. Naruto fought the smirk off his face.

"Its not I guess. Just interested." There was a long silence as they walked companionably through Konoha's streets towards the busier part of the village looking for some food. It was a comfortable silence and Naruto felt a little euphoric at the thought of having such good friends, of being such good friends with Sasuke. Of having so many precious people who, amazingly enough, found him precious too. It was a silly thought, and he wondered why it made him feel so happy in its simplicity but he knew he could never take any of his friends for granted. These moments - he thought to himself as he looked up at the brief patches of stars amidst the obscuring, marble clouds - comfortable evening walks with a friend; that's what it was all about. Sasuke noticed Naruto's grin.

"What?" Sasuke noticed that Naruto's curiosity was rubbing off on him and he wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

"Hmm? Oh, just a nice night, that's all."

"Uh huh." Sasuke murmured. As they passed each house and storefront windows were being lit and doors closed and locked, evening turned into night and the darkness descended. Sasuke watched, curiosity mounting, as Naruto's face fell a little while he stared fixedly at a door that had just been slammed shut. "What now?"

Naruto looked distracted for a moment, like he hadn't heard the question. In truth his train of thought had led him somewhere else, to a memory.

He hadn't fixed Sakura's door.

His first thought was that she would kill him. Then he realised that she hadn't asked him about it for days, that's why he hadn't thought about it for days. But surely she couldn't have forgotten. It was the front door to her house after all. Naruto wondered what that meant. Of course he had noticed her behaviour lately. This put a new spin on the situation.

The only conclusions he could come up with after a long moment were either that she had gotten the door fixed without him - unlikely, because she would still be angry with him about it whether it was fixed or not - or that it no longer mattered. She wasn't staying in her house anymore. It was the only possible conclusion. Given her appearance recently he wasn't all that surprised, but it made him wonder where she was staying if that was the case. And why she hadn't just asked to stay with one of them. Sasuke's voice sliced through the heavy fog of contemplation and Naruto blinked, coming back to reality.

"Huh? Oh, just... thinking about food. Dinner. What do you want?" Sasuke didn't seem to believe him but after a moment he spoke;

"I was just going to see what was on offer. What were you thinking?" Naruto looked at Sasuke for a moment, seeing and hearing the double meaning in the words and the steady gaze trying to pry answers from him.

"I don't know, couldn't come to a decision. Guess we'll see how things play out."

"Hn."

So they walked through the streets and around the market stalls, both thinking and pondering and trying to find through their own memories what the other might know, what all the others knew. How much they knew. It was a losing battle.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Sakura spent half an hour standing against the tree beside her house, feeling the cool roughness of the trunk against her back through her mud-covered clothes. She wasn't planning. She had a plan. She was convincing herself to go through with it.

Her plan was simple. Don't get caught. Of course it had been the same last time and so she'd decided to go in better prepared tonight. That's why she was also going to count. She would time how long it took her to go in and get what she needed so that she could hopefully minimise that time and give herself something to work with next time, holding in a groan at the thought of having to do this again.

She was also going to keep her weapons in more strategic places - instead of keeping the four she had in their holsters, two on her hip and two in her thigh straps, she had placed one down the front of her top, thankful that the knives were flat enough not to be noticeable; and one in her boot, equally thankful that they were short enough to not poke out the top when she walked - this way, if she was unlucky, at least he wouldn't expect the extra weaponry. She hoped he wouldn't. She had also thought back to the last time she'd been in the house, thinking of every single noise she had inadvertently made and the placement of every item she would need to retrieve to reduce her time in there.

It was all she could do. She felt as unprepared as she had been last time but at least she'd tried to cover her bases. She sighed, resting her head back against the bark. 'Tried' wasn't good enough. 'Tried' could get her killed. But it was all she had. As she fought to find the resolve somewhere inside herself to follow through with what appeared to be a fairly threadbare plan, she wondered absently when she had come to the revelation that he really would be aiming to kill her.

She wondered if it was true. Then again, just the possibility was enough. If she wasn't prepared for the possibility, she was as good as dead. She was grateful now that she was one of the smartest at school. If she wasn't, Sakura knew she'd be going in there without a plan. As it was, she had a chance. She hoped that would be enough.

Deciding that her resolve didn't matter as much as the rain which was steadily getting heavier again, Sakura moved to the window to her bedroom with no small amount of trepidation. She needed clothes. That's all. She just needed clothes and then she'd be back out here, safe again and wondering what the big deal had been. Sure.

It was harder than it should have been to open the window, the wood not wanting to budge. When it creaked a protest at her continued pushing and pulling she closed her eyes involuntarily as though to mute the sound. Of course it didn't work, but it made her feel better. Eventually she got it to open and immediately had to hold it still so that it didn't unexpectedly close again or open too fast and creak. All it took was a window to shoot down her plan, she thought bitterly. Be quick, be prepared and be careful. She'd blown them all already and she wasn't even inside yet. She was so screwed.

Sakura shook the thoughts from her head, they weren't helping her focus. Or her resolve, which was a little too non-existent for her liking. Very, very carefully, Sakura slipped one leg through the small gap she had created between the window and the sill, sliding herself through as quietly and as fluidly as possible. She was suddenly quite happy with her recent accidental weight-loss, it made a lot of things harder as she felt physically weaker, but it let her into smaller spaces and she was able to do things much less noticeably. It was probably more helpful to her now than her four kunai.

Her feet landed softly on the floor with a quiet thud and she padded slowly to her wardrobe, counting under her breath the entire time. It took her thirty four careful seconds to get to the wardrobe, twelve to open it all the way without it creaking, only six to find the particular items of clothing she wanted as she had thought ahead to where each one would be, twenty four to take each one out - only two changes of outfit, she had to be quick but she didn't want to have to come back again tomorrow - and nine to carefully close the door again with the clothes hanging over one arm.

It only took a second for her to register the sound of a footfall directly behind her. She didn't register the pain as something heavy was brought down on her head.

The previous eighty six seconds ceased to mean anything.

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_Like I said, beginning of the end... or is it?... bum bum bum... hehe, i like reviews, they taste like chocolate... _

_thanks for reading and let me know if you want a faster update this time ;)_

_have fun x_


	24. When It Rains

_AN – I'm back, and I brought fics! :) It was my 20__th__ last Monday and I figured I'd update as a present to all those people who have stuck around, and it's a nice long one too so hopefully you'll like it :). I know I left it at an awful spot last time too (sorry!) so hopefully this will also make up for it a bit -crosses fingers- :). There's some graphic stuff in this one too so you may want to keep that in mind and decide whether you want to read it or not, it's not an scene of anything, only the aftermath but it is a bit... well, graphic... if you don't want to read it the most full-on stuff ends at the first liney thing, from there it's better... sort of... you'll know what I mean :). If after reading it you're concerned at all let me know but I can assure you I don't know of anyone this is happening to and if you do you should tell someone who can help (like an adult... or a ninja :))._

_And as for the note on my profile, it's still true and this story's updates will be slower because of it (although hopefully not as slow as it was this time :)) but I'm at a better place in life right now so it will be finished as I always meant it to be. _

_I can't remember if I responded to all the reviews for last chapter or not, if I didn't I'm really sorry. I love every one and I know for a fact that they help all the time, whether it's encouraging me to write the next one or reminding me of something I've forgotten (which I would love people to continue doing if you think of anything :)) or giving me new ideas. They always make my day :)_

_I hope everyone I've missed in the last few months is well and happy and smiling heaps, please let me know :) _

_Last chapter:_

_Her feet landed softly on the floor with a quiet thud and she padded slowly to her wardrobe, counting under her breath the entire time. It took her thirty four careful seconds to get to the wardrobe, twelve to open it all the way without it creaking, only six to find the particular items of clothing she wanted as she had thought ahead to where each one would be, twenty four to take each one out - only two changes of outfit, she had to be quick but she didn't want to have to come back again tomorrow - and nine to close the door again with the clothes hanging over one arm. It only took a second for her to register the sound of a footfall directly behind her. She didn't register the pain as something heavy was brought down on her head. The previous eighty six seconds ceased to mean anything. _

_And now, enjoy :)_

* * *

Masked Happiness

Chapter 24: When It Rains

Everything was a blur. Colours bled into each other in a horrifyingly dizzy mess that made her head pound uncomfortably. Sakura thought she was physically unable to bear the sickening pressure for even a second longer until she tried to focus and lift her head at the same time. The pounding became a vicious stabbing that pierced from the back of her neck through to her forehead like a white-hot poker again and again and again. Evidently she was able to bear it; or at least her body thought so, as she was still conscious. She really missed the black nothingness she had just left behind. She wanted to scream from the pain but all that came out was a gurgling moan. It took her a long moment to hear anything through the rushing noise in her ears that accompanied the pain in her head, but when she did she wished more fervently for unconsciousness. She could hear faint chuckling from somewhere off to her left.

She opened her eyes again, not realising she'd closed them, keeping completely still for fear of the pain becoming impossibly worse, and tried to see past the technicolour nightmare the world had become. Her eyes took a moment to clear and clouds seemed to linger at the edges of her vision but eventually instead of a messy, pain-filled rainbow, her eyes showed her a room - _my mother's room_, her brain belatedly supplied - and when she very slowly and very carefully turned her head an inch to the left, she saw her father leaning against the doorframe. The sight of him was enough to make her stomach churn but she wasn't able to tell if it was fear or revulsion, knowing it was more than likely both. She hated the way he leant against it casually, normally, like there was nothing wrong. She hated the self-satisfied smirk - so close to the fatherly smile she had loved once - that distorted his features. She hated him. And herself. Less than two minutes inside this house and all of her training, experience, and (admittedly meagre) planning had come to nothing. She came to nothing in less than two minutes in the face of this man. His voice made her stomach twist into tense little knots.

"'Bout time you woke up. You've been out for ages dear and I just couldn't wait." The smirk never left his face and that, more than anything else - more than his presence or his alarming words - left her frozen with fear.

Then the words broke through the haze properly, penetrating her mind and she shot up to a sitting position, having to fight to stay that way. She instantly regretted the movement, the pain was unbearable, but the fact that it wasn't confined to her head left her reeling so she desperately tried to see past the white that had once again engulfed her vision. She couldn't afford to lose any of her senses, especially not sight. Not with him in the room. She didn't take her eyes off of the man who stayed unmoving in the doorway, trying to keep him in focus despite the futility of the action. Keeping him in focus, keeping her eyes on him, wouldn't prevent what he had already done and probably wouldn't stop him from doing more if he decided to either. She didn't want to look at the new source of pain. Instead, she used her peripheral vision and focused her attention on the feel beneath her palms where they rested at her sides, taking in the fact that she was sitting in the middle of her mother's bed.

It sickened her to think that he had knocked her out and brought her to the bed of his wife, the woman he had kidnapped. She refused to consider the possibility that she might not still be alive. The fact that the situation was so much worse than that was beyond sickening and she tried not to consider the wetness she could feel for as long as possible, but eventually looking into her father's eyes became too hard and she could see quite clearly in them that he wasn't going to try anything for the moment; he was too confident to fight her now. He thought he'd won. As she looked down, Sakura had a hard time not believing it herself.

She was wrapped in a sheet. One he must have brought from the linen cupboard in the hallway because her mother's bed seemed relatively undisturbed beneath her. She was wrapped in a thin white sheet, and nothing else. Beneath it she was naked and she had never felt more vulnerable in her life. It took one long, endless moment for her suddenly stinging eyes to actually register the large stain of glistening crimson soaking through the white. Between her legs. Her legs were spread before her and in the middle was a large patch of red. Everything seemed to be taking too long, moving too slowly. Life had slowed. Her eyes moved over the area in a lingering, disconnected way. She couldn't quite comprehend the scene literally spread before her. The white seemed to make the bright red brighter, too bright. The scene tattooed itself behind her eyes and refused to go away no matter where she looked. Too red.

It wasn't until she shivered that she realised she'd been putting on a show. She didn't know how long she'd been sitting and trying to understand the situation but the entire time her father had stood quietly, contentedly, in the doorway, watching. The smirk had turned into a smile of genuine happiness - the kind that made her skin crawl - as he just watched, a solitary witness to the pain he had caused. She shivered again, barely covered as she was, and realised absently that she was freezing. Goosebumps rose all over her skin, arms, chest, legs, making them burn. Her legs were burning. Sakura winced, trying not to give her audience any satisfaction from her pain, and looked down. The blood must not have had time to clot because the patch on the sheet had grown in the short time she had been watching. Red spreading across white like a plague, tainting as it went.

Sakura felt entirely disconnected, far away, as though she wasn't really in this room with him watching, and so it was with an almost clinical purpose that she lifted the sheet from her legs with a steady hand - a steadiness she wasn't sure how she achieved - pulling it up to the top of her legs to reveal the deep gashes high on her inner thighs. Both of her legs were a bloody mess, many long, deep cuts littering the area, crisscrossing in long lines. A shiver ran through her, rocking her entire body like a cold autumn breeze through tall grass and raising the goosebumps further which in turn irritated the wounded, bloody flesh on her legs as it was automatically manipulated into the tiny pale bumps.

She didn't understand the point. The gashes weren't deep enough, they hadn't killed her. Wouldn't kill her. Probably. It wasn't his purpose for doing it. So why had he? And did that mean he hadn't...?

"Y-you... you didn't...?" Sakura said quietly. Her mouth was dry and she found it hard to speak for many obvious reasons, so the words came out stilted and with difficulty, yet somehow utterly emotionless. She couldn't finish the question. She couldn't say it aloud. She couldn't make the possibility any more real than it already was. He chuckled, a deep sound of sheer happiness that normally sent a thrill of terror or disgust or _something _through her and this time failed to. She was in sensory overload. A part of her was surprised she was still conscious.

"You'll never know for sure will you?"

He spoke quietly, seriously despite the lingering smile, and his tone reminded her of that which a doctor might use when speaking to a patient. She stared at him, entirely emotionless, face blank and eyes glassy as he continued to find joy in the scene before him. When his amusement began to dwindle he stood straight, pushing leisurely away from the doorway and moving a step toward the bed. She didn't recoil and didn't have the headspace to wonder why.

"I'm done with you for today. You should probably leave before I change my mind."

He sounded as though he was imparting some great wisdom, as though he was helping her the way a friend might. She wondered why it didn't break through the defences her mind had automatically put up to preserve her sanity from the shock, from the impossibly deep hatred and sadness welling inside her, just beyond reach. The emotionlessness, the blank face and mind. There was nothing there in that moment, and she was fine with that. She was fine. _Fine, fine, fine_.

She had to get out.

She pushed herself with difficulty to the edge of the bed. It was painful, but still in that disconnected sort of way, as though someone else was experiencing it. Numbness seemed to have spread through her body to match her mind, but her limbs shook and no part of her body seemed to want to obey her. She tried to stand on trembling legs and crumpled to her knees. The painful jolt it sent through her body reminded her oddly of Sasuke.

_(flashback)_

_Everything had abruptly become too much to handle. _

_Fear, fatigue and lack of food made her knees hit the ground with a thud and more pain registered in her mind sharply because of it._

'_Sakura?!' _

_(end flashback)_

But Sasuke wasn't here now. He couldn't help her. No one could help her, except her, and at that moment she was just too far away. Her father's laughter rang out around the room and she was certain the disgusting sound was echoing, though she was unsure of whether it was really rebounding off of the white walls or merely resonating in the confines of her head. She felt dizzy again. He'd moved back to the door and was leaning against it, watching her fall.

"Your clothes are where you left them." He said through his amusement. She could hear the smile in his voice.

She was completely detached, eyes downcast, looking at the floor as she moved past him. She had no choice if she wanted the clothes she had come here for in the first place - still in her room where she had dropped them - and she didn't want to go against him when he seemed as though he was in a rare good mood. She ignored what it took to get him there.

She wasn't in any shape to defend herself and if it came down to it right now she wasn't sure she'd want to. He knew that. That's why he wouldn't attack. He wouldn't need to bother. For the moment she was as broken as he could make her and he was satisfied. It didn't necessarily mean he wouldn't do more to her to prove a point though, so she wanted to leave quickly. She had to get out.

As she passed through the doorway, not feeling anything as her body moved on its own, she unavoidably brushed his arms which were folded against his chest, obstructing the narrow exit; and though her mind recoiled, her body didn't respond. She heard his foot move. She was looking down, she saw it, but she didn't react when he tripped her. There was no point. She fell to the floor and he laughed as she tried, failed, and tried again to stand back up using trembling limbs.

The kick seemed to come from nowhere and she simply went limp as her father's foot pummelled her stomach. Not once but twice, though that seemed enough for him. The vicious stabbing sensation she hadn't noticed before pierced her chest and she somehow knew she had been feeling it the entire time, she just hadn't noticed. It was too insistent to ignore any longer however and she coughed, spraying blood on the carpet beneath her cheek. She could feel a sickening _swish _in her stomach and several small creaks in her chest as she tried to move. She noticed absently that he was standing against the wall again, watching with that damn smile as she squirmed painfully at his feet. It took her a long time to move without the world going momentarily dark.

She used the wall to support herself. Sliding down the hallway with her shoulder against the cool smoothness as though someone were dragging her there with a magnet on the opposite side, she saw small, random smears of drying blood on the floor. No wonder her head hurt. He wouldn't have cut her - _or done anything else to me,_ her mind absently supplied - in _her _bedroom, he would have waited until she was on the bed in her mother's room. He would have wanted to draw it out, enjoy himself. He would have liked the mess. No doubt he thought it artistic.

He had dragged her from her bedroom by her feet, her head left to trail on the carpet leaving blood behind from the head wound she could feel from where he'd hit her. She wondered if it was disgust, fear or blood she could now feel running down her spine. She fell to the floor again once she got to her room, crawling to the pile of clothes she had dropped. Gathering them up in a bundle, Sakura used her bed and her shaking arms to stand again, taking a moment to move to the window.

She had numbly climbed halfway through the gap she had made earlier with one leg in and one outside, hanging in the now heavy rain, when she looked back and saw him watching her, this time from her doorway. She stopped and his face remained unchanging, a small smile lingering at the edges of his mouth; his amusement– his euphoria – clear. They watched each other for a long moment, neither of their expressions changing. Then Sakura slipped the rest of the way through the window. She looked back again through the glass. Any other time she might have screamed upon seeing his face so close, looking back at her from less than a foot away, equally emotionless with weirdly vacant eyes. Not a hint of amusement left. It wasn't a warning, it wasn't a threat, it wasn't an order and it wasn't a question. Just words.

"Come back soon, let's do this again sometime."

Sakura turned and walked away, hearing the glass pane in the window rattle and the wood creak. A loud _bang _shattered the night around her like a gunshot but was quickly muted by the heavy moisture still smothering the air and she wondered if the glass broke when he slammed the window. It wouldn't be locked. He wanted her to go back. Sakura shuddered and fell in a heap once she'd reached the tree.

She was sitting in a deep patch of mud, though she suspected absently that after a full day of rain everywhere would be this muddy. The rain had her drenched in minutes and rolled off of her white skin and dripped from her hair unnoticed. She pulled the sheet tighter around herself - the only reason the white wasn't completely see-through was because she was small enough to be able to have wrapped it around herself several times. She couldn't deny that it had been more an effort to make herself as small as possible in the hopes of disappearing. Holding her knees to her chest and unconsciously rocking back and forth she stared blankly ahead at nothing. All of it, everything, who she was, it had all come down to nothing. One tear was all she had in her. The rest stayed inside her, a burning miasma in her chest that refused to be released. The tear blended with the rain and soon she sat, drenched and frozen to the bone but miles away, somewhere where she was still capable of crying, deep inside herself and out of herself altogether. Gone.

* * *

Sasuke walked slowly home that night. It didn't matter that it was raining; he didn't really mind the rain. It was actually helping to rinse off some of the mud that had been an unavoidable part of training. His stomach was full - uncomfortably so, Naruto had far too much of an appetite and it was hardly Sasuke's fault that a competition had begun. He was exhausted, too-full and covered in mud, but content for the most part. Other than the rain which he and Naruto had tried to wait out and had eventually realised was only getting heavier, he realised Naruto had been right, the night was quite nice.

He was in no hurry, it wasn't too late and he needed to wind down and clear his head. He was already drenched and he didn't see how he could possibly get any wetter so he didn't bother hurrying for that reason. It was nice to empty his mind and remember his goals, his ultimate goal. It had taken a back seat lately and he needed to stay focused. He hadn't taken the detour on purpose, hadn't meant to go so far out of his way that he found himself walking past Sakura's house. And he didn't notice when he did. He was focused entirely upon his thoughts, his plans, his future. He only had room for those thoughts in his head, his legs automatically taking him the longest way home he knew and his sight and hearing reduced only to what he absolutely needed to continue walking safely. He didn't notice any sounds - out of the ordinary or not - and didn't see even the faintest glimmer of white amidst the rain.

When he reached his front door he regained awareness and turned, scanning the darkness behind him, though he wasn't sure why. He put it down to over-sensitive shinobi perception and stepped through the door, closing it behind him and relishing the dryness of the room. He really needed a shower and his bed.

* * *

Naruto couldn't stop grinning as he walked home from his dinner - eating contest - with Sasuke. It had been nice. It would have been nicer if Sakura and Kakashi had been there. He may not have had to pay if they had been there. Then again, Kakashi... maybe it was better that it had just been Sasuke and Naruto.

His stomach felt comfortably full and his heart light as he meandered home. He didn't mind the rain. It was nice and refreshing to Naruto, like he was being washed clean of any negativity he'd felt earlier that night. Of course nothing had changed except his outlook on the situation but that made the world of difference. It was like his outlook on his own life. He had had no one and now he had a team, three people who were precious to him and who found him precious. Three people he had saved and who had saved him on more than one occasion. And they would again, he was sure of it. That was why he wasn't worried. Everything was looking up, becoming clearer with the rain as it washed away the negativity surrounding him and gave him hope.

He grinned and then scrunched his nose up and his eyes shut. _Everything may be looking up, but I probably shouldn't, _he thought as more of the fat raindrops followed the first into his eyes, blinding him and making him laugh at his own stupidity whilst simultaneously smiling up at the sky, enjoying the cleansing, invigorating effect that the water had on his face. Everything would be fine. He'd do his best to make sure of it.

* * *

Kakashi looked up at the obscured sky from his window, enjoying the quiet patters of the rain as it impacted and trailed down the glass, each drop choosing its own separate journey, some following the paths of others, some making their own. He realised just how long he had been standing there staring and contemplating and smiled beneath his mask. Nostalgia. _Must be getting old, _he thought to himself with a chuckle.

He sat heavily in an arm chair nearest to the window and continued to stare at the window and beyond it, seeing both and neither. Eventually he reached to the coffee table and picked up his book again. His thoughts and emotions stayed locked in his head, nothing except his small smile showing on his face and that was hidden by the mask. It was too early to speculate on anything. _Anything at all in life really_, he reflected contemplatively, _long- or short-term_. Too early to decide on anything. Too early to see the end. So he sat at the window and continued to watch the many separate, similar journeys the rain took as each drop found its way and he wondered when his students would do the same and what it would lead them to.

* * *

Sakura was lost to the world as she fell in and out of consciousness, nightmares plaguing her waking mind just as often as when she dozed. She sat numbly when she was awake and unknown tears, lost to the rain, ran unchecked as she slept; unstoppable but unknown. She couldn't feel her body anymore. The detachment had worn off - she felt the horror, the disgust, the pain, the fear, she felt it all - but the air was freezing and on her wet skin it was somehow unimaginably colder, numbing her entire body. She was a mass of broken emotion in a cold, disconnected shell.

The rain hadn't let up at all; just a long relentless shower and Sakura vaguely remembered her conversation with Gaara which seemed like centuries ago now. She had thought, just that morning about how she would spend tonight. Naive enough to think that returning to the house would be simple. In and out and it would be done.

'It would just be a cold, wet night'.

She knew better now.

She had spent so long trying to decipher her own thoughts and motivations. Her own limits. She had been asking herself; should she kill him? Was it wrong?

She knew better now, she had no answers but now she knew the question she should have been asking.

Had she really thought...?

Did she really think she could win?

It wasn't down to her at all. She had no choice in any of this. This had happened - probably would have done - whether she existed or not. Her mother still probably would have been kidnapped or perhaps might have taken her place tonight, or her parents would have had a different daughter who would have suffered the same thing. None of it would be any different. She was nothing. Her skills, her personality, her experiences, her life came down to nothing. Nothing at all. It was a truth she simply hadn't acknowledged before now and tonight had stripped her of any remaining doubt. Any remaining worth. She didn't even need to know what had happened while she had been unconscious. If he really had done anything or was simply trying to make her believe he had with the gashes on her legs. It didn't matter.

She rocked back and forth. She had never stopped, whether awake or asleep, needing to move, needing the movement. The semblance of action. She felt like all her ties to life were slipping away. Slowly but inevitably slipping from her, tickling her fingertips as they passed beyond them and there was absolutely nothing she could do to retrieve them. As her thoughts spiralled out of control, her doubts eating away at her more and more viciously, her personality - the parts of herself that made her Sakura - falling to pieces, ripped, torn and bleeding; she rocked back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster.

The numbness had returned. She couldn't feel anything again. Or maybe she was feeling too much. She wasn't sure; she just knew that the rocking was keeping her sane. She just couldn't stop rocking.

Out of nowhere, memories plagued her. Memories of the last few hours playing again and again, as if on repeat in her mind's eye. She cringed away from them, from herself, curling tighter into herself for protection, wanting to get away from herself to put some distance between the memories and her fragile mind. She wanted to disappear, or rip herself open and remove the contaminated parts. She was too far gone to realise that this was what he had planned all along. He wanted her to doubt what had happened. To invent the worst case scenario for herself in her mind and convince herself through doubt that that was what happened. But she couldn't think straight. Thoughts of cutting herself open sounded appealing for a second too long and she shrank away from the idea after a vivid imagining of it. But the thoughts of cutting triggered something else. For the first time she remembered that she had lost the clothes she had been wearing when she entered the house and that in them had been her kunai knives. All of them. She was completely defenceless and she would be until she got them back.

The thought made her shiver, irritating the skin of her thighs and setting them on fire again. Somehow the pain warmed her up, helped her think. It cleared her mind momentarily, slicing through the haze as the pain separated the concept of feeling from her emotions, allowing Sakura to think logically again. It was enough to convince her of one thing. She needed to find somewhere to stay before she lost her rationality... again. She needed to go somewhere. Somewhere she could think... or not think. She didn't want to think. Thinking brought back bad memories. But then they were back and she was helpless in the face of them. She curled tighter into herself and resumed rocking. She needed to think, but not think. She did the only thing she could think of. The only thing which had worked so far.

Sakura spread her legs out in front of her, ignoring the mud that sucked at her skin and squelched loudly with her movements and the rain which now had more skin to pound against like thousands of stinging, freezing darts. Slowly, putting as much pressure and what was left of her failing strength behind the movement as she could, Sakura dragged her fingernails over the gashes on her thighs. The blood which had been flowing sluggishly before began to pool and gush once again, mixing with the rain and spreading easily to cover her more completely in a new layer of red and to stain the ground she sat on.

She ignored the feeling of having her torn flesh and dried blood beneath her fingernails. The pain came in an excruciating wave seconds later that stung all the more for the rain beating down on the inflamed skin, but the pain brought with it another small piece of clarity. The haze was sliced and shattered and she felt cold and the sharp rush of adrenaline and sensation, she _felt_. Felt without feeling.

Ignoring the pain, pushing the distraction of the physical feeling to one side, Sakura used the brief reprieve from her fear of insanity and leant against the tree trunk she had been huddled against, using it to stand and wrapping the sopping wet sheet tighter around herself, grateful that she had thought to slip her underwear back on at some point. The soft, worn, slightly threadbare fabric was heavy with rain but she gripped it tightly until her knuckles were white; the ridges over her shaking fingers somehow becoming whiter than her pallid skin, an eerie, almost-green colour. She started walking, one painful step at a time as the newly irritated skin on the insides of her thighs rubbed against each other with the movement. She could feel the warm, stickiness streaming down her legs. It made her feel sick but it wasn't as bad as other things she had faced that night so she kept walking. Walking away from the house, her house. Her home. It wasn't now.

* * *

Sakura didn't know where she was going, her feet taking her down the street and picking a new direction on their own. She didn't actually care where she was going. She was on autopilot, thrilled that walking was even better than rocking had been. She walked faster, eager to get to her unknown destination and despite the pain that flamed through her legs and the new flow of blood that ran between them, she smiled. Then giggled. Her head felt light and the pain was reducing her ability to think of anything other than the feeling of it coursing through her body like blood, intoxicating as alcohol, setting all of her nerves on fire. The pain was no longer cutting through the haze in her mind, it was adding to it, making her delirious.

She tried to keep to the grass, some part of her turbulent mind in its complete loss of rationality somehow remembering not to leave a trail of blood too noticeably. She didn't want anyone hunting her down. She giggled again, losing her footing as her head swam and she fell into the mud. Her hands shot out to break her fall and the sheet nearly fell from her body. Suddenly she was terrified and held the sheet to her body so tight the fabric was digging into her skin, making a red line bloom on the pale skin of her chest as her shaking hands fisted the fabric. _He'd_ already seen, no one else could see. She couldn't let anyone else see her.

She kept walking, carefully now. Each step tentative. She didn't know it, having lost any perception of time and its passing, but it took her twice as long to get to where she was going as it should have. It wasn't until she stood outside the door that she realised where she had been heading all along and she faltered. She couldn't ask him for help. She couldn't. She had plenty of good reasons why she couldn't, she knew she did. At some point she had. She couldn't remember them now but they were very good reasons.

But then, she had nowhere else to go and she couldn't stand here all night - if she wasn't walking or rocking or _something _she might lose this last piece of sanity she'd clung onto so tightly, tighter than the sheet she held to her body. The two things her world was reduced to; stay sane, keep covered. She couldn't let go, not know. Some part of her refused to give up. It was that part of her that forced her fisted hand to the door. It was the rest of her - the larger, dominant part that no longer felt human, simply... _used _- that made the fist simply drag across the wood instead of knocking. Her stinging, burning skin felt the coarse grainy wood against her knuckles and she swallowed hard, forcing herself with the last of her resolve - she had some after all, she simply hadn't been looking hard enough - to knock. Just once, that's all she could manage. If it took any more than that then this was well and truly beyond her.

As soon as the sound of her knuckles hitting the wood split the air around her - though it was immediately muted as all others were by the rain - her resolve shattered into too many pieces for her to possibly salvage and she turned and started walking away. Running away. That made her stop. She never ran away. The thought brought with it a little tiny bit of _Sakura, _more than all the pain in the world could have done and she thought clearly for a moment. A moment was all she needed. She didn't have to be afraid. Not of Sasuke. It took an effort to think and believe that, but it was true. And she really couldn't stand having her back to the door. Not when he might appear there soon. Her paranoia failed to worry her as it was a small part of the mounting hysteria that she'd lost track of awhile ago.

She stood in the tiny amount of cover that Sasuke's narrow veranda afforded, forgetting where she was as time passed, eyes vacant and glazing over as she fought. She was at war with herself. The ultimate war. She had been for awhile now but at that moment she was equal parts determination and cowardice. She wanted to leave, to leave everything, to not concern anyone else with her and her life. To leave the job of finding her mum, of facing her father, of life. She wanted just as badly to talk to Sasuke. To Kakashi, Naruto or Sasuke. But especially Sasuke. He... _understood_... somehow...

She wanted... _help_.

Unnoticed tears squeezed from the corners of her eyes and made their way quietly down her cheeks. She felt... she didn't know anymore. Nothing seemed to fit properly in her head and she couldn't force them to. She stood on Sasuke's doorstep in the middle of the night, benumbed by the cold as the rain fell like a thousand stinging bullets from above and she felt... defeated. She'd lost.

* * *

Sasuke was in the middle of a very long, too-hot shower when he heard a tapping sound, a knock that wasn't part of the noises he had been contentedly listening to, created by the rain. He blamed his over-sensitive hearing and what must be a stray branch in the wind and continued his shower. Once dressed and on his way to bed the thought niggled at him. If it hadn't been so short and quiet he would have thought it had been a knock at the door. But it was the middle of the night and he'd heard it just the once. Who would it be at this time of night and if they wanted to see him badly enough to come over so late, why only knock once? He sighed as his training took over and he went to the door anyway, the kunai always located on the small table near the door in reaching distance, just in case. He opened it somewhat cautiously and looked out through the small crack, opening it a little wider when he couldn't make sense of what he was seeing.

He saw the outline of her, he saw pink gleaming dully in the faint moonlight and he flung the door wide. He was momentarily frozen in that moment as he took in the sight of her. He couldn't quite comprehend what he was seeing and it rendered him speechless. Useless. He was unable to do anything except stand and stare at her, his mouth uncharacteristically falling open.

She didn't look... _real_. He felt as though he was intruding on something other-worldly as Sakura stood, clothed entirely in white, luminous and shining from the rain in the faint light given by the crescent moon. Her thin, white arms wrapped around her body tightly, as though she was desperately holding herself in one piece, and smears and flecks of mud blocked her brilliance, large dark smudges obstructing her luminescence and melding her with the night. Her hair, darker in the gloom of the hour and streaked with mud seemed almost red, a rusty colour that made her skin seem paler, and it struck Sasuke how macabre the scene looked. Everything paled in comparison to her; she shone amongst the darkness of midnight and the rain that was still falling. It was such a surreal sight that Sasuke soon felt light-headed having not realised he'd been holding his breath. It was amazing, beautiful and it made his heart ache. For all its beauty it was... wrong.

The white sheet she was wrapped in offered little modesty no matter how many times it had been wound around her too-thin body. Her fingers, clutching each other and the sheet underneath her chin, were clenching spasmodically in the fabric and their tremors were noticeable. Her fingers were white. Sasuke's eyes roamed over her slowly, still widened in shock. She was white. Deathly so. The sheet, the white on white made her look luminous. Inhumanly beautiful. Sasuke felt sick.

He noticed that the weather had no effect on Sakura. She didn't flinch as each stinging drop fell on her frail body, her head, dripping from the ends of her hair. He wondered how long she had been outside to be so immune to the cold. He could see she wasn't though, only her lack of expression made her seem so. She was swaying on the spot, shifting her weight from foot to foot, listing one way then the other. She looked as though she would fall with every soft breath she took. Then his eyes caught on hers. They were empty, utterly hollow and his heart broke that little bit more as he came back to himself. Sakura was drenched and on his doorstep in nothing but mud, a soaked sheet and her own too-white skin. Her stare was vacant and was trained on something beyond Sasuke. Stepping forward, just passed the dry warmth and illumination that tried to stretch from his house into the night and failed, Sasuke extended an unusually hesitant hand, denying the tremor in it and his voice when it was breathed into the cool air.

"Sakura?" It was a question. He wanted to know if she was really there, though not physically. He wanted to know if she was still there, in that body she wore so loosely. Her eyes flickered in recognition and he inhaled sharply – the frigid air prickling his nose and throat. "What are you doing here?" he breathed, his voice full of the disbelief he'd held in earlier. He wondered if she would answer at all and waited patiently as she opened her mouth a little, breathing in so much that her pale shoulders rose beneath her dripping hair. But then her eyelashes were fluttering and she was teetering, not shifting her weight but losing it and he lunged forward fast enough to catch her body as it crumpled in on itself.

In his arms in a heap, Sasuke could finally see just how small Sakura had become and he leant over her, covering her completely as his back bore the brunt of the harsh deluge showering him for a second time that night. He looked down into her face, so close now, and felt a sharp spike of concern in his chest at how immobile her face looked. As though it had never worn emotion or life of any kind. As though her eyes had never opened and never would again. She was so pale...

Lifting her with a hand at her back – the ridges of her spine digging into his palm – and the other behind her knees, he stopped when he felt warmth and lifted his hand from her legs to support them with his elbow so he could see his fingers over her. He saw red, literally this time. His fingers were coated in blood and it streamed down his upheld palm, over his wrist and down his arm in pink rivulets as the rain washed it away. But not from her. Fear spiked in his chest now and he lifted his precious, muddy, frozen bundle into his arms and stood, backing into the house and elbowing the door closed.

He was suddenly aware, in the harsher lights of his living room, that Sakura wore very, _very_ little. The sheet was thin and even wrapped around her three or four times it was still thin enough to cling to her like a second skin, mud and blood plastering it to her body. Even with the extra padding of the fabric Sasuke could feel things he wasn't supposed to – ribs and spine and various other nubs of bone that should have been protected by flesh and were instead felt and even seen through the sheet. There was a niggling thought in the back of Sasuke's brain that refused to be quieted and for just a moment he allowed himself to stand with her cradled in his arms as he wonder why, of all things, why would she be wrapped in a bed sheet? The obvious answer was battered into submission and he pushed it away violently in favour of moving to take Sakura into his bedroom and lay her down once more on the bed. He rethought this when he felt the stickiness beneath his hand once more and changed direction mid-step, taking her instead to the bathroom.

Laying her down gently in the bath and cradling her head in his hand until he could slip a towel behind it to protect it from the unforgiving porcelain, Sasuke took a moment to prepare himself. No matter what he had seen before he somehow knew this would be worse and he wasn't sure for a moment if he could handle this. This was Sakura. Their Sakura – his and Naruto's and Kakashi's. His. What had happened? Was he actually able to see for himself? Berating himself as the worse kind of coward he took a deep breath and focussed on his hands as they steadied, plugged the bath and turned on the taps. He filled the water with soothing salts he sometimes had to use when he returned from missions and watched as the warm, cloudy water rose, covering Sakura slowly and making the ends of the sheet and her hair wave lazily in the water. It would have been a beautiful image if she hadn't been so pale. As it was she looked like a corpse. But she _wasn't_. and Sasuke had to tell himself that over and over and over again, frequently stopping what he was doing to check her breathing, her pulse; to convince himself she was still there and alive and _breathing_.

When Sakura was lying in a warm, soothing bath that covered her to her neck, Sasuke braced himself and set his shoulders – so focussed that he didn't have room to be surprised at his own hesitancy – and reached into the water, finding the edges of the sheet and pulling it away. He looked at it a moment, sparing it a brief disdainful examination and seeing the large stain of what had to be blood almost completely covering the saturated fabric at the back before flinging the sodden mess into the corner of the bathroom, content if he never had to see it again. Finding a soft sponge in the cupboard beneath the sink he brushed the milky water in small, soft circles over Sakura's cheeks and across her forehead, catching drips that came too close to her ears as he cleaned her face with a gentleness he had never used before or known himself capable of.

Any hesitancy he had still possessed was lost when Sakura moaned and shifted restlessly and he spoke softly, soothingly to her to quiet her, forgetting all of his previous nervousness as he cleaned the blood, rain and mud from her body beneath the cloudy water. It was with a sharp curse that managed not to wake Sakura that Sasuke realised the patch of discoloured skin on her neck that he had been gently washing wasn't mud but another large thumbprint and that the dark red and black splotches continued around her neck.

Lifting her carefully once her pale skin was free of grime, he wrapped her in a soft, blue towel and went to his room, setting her on the bed and retrieving the items he thought he might need. Sitting himself on the side of the bed next to her, he couldn't help comparing the small Sakura he had helped not long ago to the positively tiny one he watched over now. She still looked awfully white and the bruised neck was like a black collar, standing out starkly against her pallor, but there was a flush to her cheeks from the warm bath and her skin was pinker than it had been.

Though he felt a surge of hope at the sight of blood in her cheeks that proved that she would be okay eventually, he couldn't help feeling a little resigned as he reached for her arms and checked her wrists. The resignation turned to confusion, where had the blood come from then? Whoever had left the bruises, had they made her bleed too? He gritted his teeth and thoroughly checked her arms, shoulders, feet and legs and would have stayed confused if he hadn't seen the end of a deep gash reaching down to the middle of her thigh.

Lifting the towel he couldn't stop his sharp inhalation or the quiet string of furious expletives that followed. Blood was already pouring sluggishly down her legs from the wounds on her thighs and the skin around them was swollen and bruised and angrily red. It turned his stomach as he couldn't help but add that to his suspicions with the bed sheet she'd been wearing. It took a great force of will to push these thoughts aside for later when he didn't have an unconscious, still-bleeding Sakura on his bed. Taking up the roll of bandages and salve he had brought in with him, he set to work once more, fervently hoping this would be the last time he would have to see his friend this way. No, it _would_ be. No more hoping. He'd make sure it was.

* * *

_Are you all appeased? -Tentatively hides behind my big orange birthday balloon- please be appeased? :)_

_Like I said, this story may take me longer than I anticipated and updates will be... well, take them as pleasant surprises, especially since they will be pleasanter from here on, looking up now after all 'cos we have Sasuke :) (not to mention Gaara. Naruto and Kakashi who will not be happy when they find out as you can probably imagine)_

_Please let me know if you think of something I've forgotten or you think is important and let me know what you think! I feed off of opinions and the more anticipation from you for the next chapter, the more anticipation from myself and since I'll write it, hey presto! New chapter! (did I spell that right? Hey presto? Isn't that a kind of pasta? Damn, now I'm hungry... TT... Never mind :D)_

_I really want to thank every since person who has taken the time to leave a review for this fic and especially the wonderful people I've met who have encouraged me since I dipped my toes in the fanfic waters in - can you believe? – 2007 (yes, I take my time with stories... clearly lol :)) Thank you, so much. There is so much I owe to so many people on here, not least of which is the fact that I'm still writing at all. There have been so many times I would have thrown in the towel and stopped writing for good and you made sure I didn't, there aren't words for how grateful I am for those who have read what I've written and encouraged me despite that (even if they say 'because of' :)) Orange balloons filled with the best wishes in the world for everyone, you deserve them :) _

_My most heartfelt thanks to Daily-chan who takes the time to remind me I'm human as often as possible and somehow forces me to believe it :) *huggles!* :)_

_And now that the mush is over (for the moment :)) please leave a review and let me know what you think... even if it's that you're going to hide in my room and attack me with oreos the second I go in there :D (the oreos weren't my idea! I prefer blueberry muffins... hint hint :))_

_(By the way... nearly finished I promise :) – is anyone opposed to me uploading my harry potter fics from P&S on here? Some people seem to have author alerted me because of Naruto fics and I would hate to inundate you with alerts from those if you don't like them... I have another Naruto fic I'll be uploading soon if it helps? – I'm finishing it first to ensure regular updates, wont that make for happy little chappies? Okay, now I'm definitely done :))_

_Have fun x _


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